There seems to a "bipolar" syndrome of sorts amongst spouses/SOs when it comes to us. They are either a) the very first to tell you we have a significant problem with alcohol and are begging (or threatening) us to stop, or b) behaving like the most agile and adept of ostriches and pretending like there's no problem at all. Mine is of the former variety, so I'm not terribly familiar with the latter. Are they truly oblivious and frankly just that naive? Or, do they know the truth, but are scared to admit it to you, themselves, or both of you that they know the truth?

But, you know what? It doesn't matter. What matters is you know the truth. You came to this discussion forum because you know the truth. You have a problem with alcohol, you can't control it and you want to control it. This is what is important. It helps, of course, to have a spouse that supports you in your quest to become sober, but ultimately, it's you that has to live through the cravings, deal with the anxiety and generally cope with all of the assorted emotions this journey will bring.

Like you, most of us would be considered "closet alcoholics." It's our own 'dirty little secret' that we have done such a good job of concealing from the world. In most cases our dearest friends would go slack jawed if someone suggested we have "a drinking problem." Such is the stigma of this problem that we feel such an intense need to dutifully and painstakingly hide it. We stash our beer and wine bottles under soda and water bottles in the recycling bin to hide it. We have a few 'extra' drinks before we go out so we can look like moderate drinkers when we're with friends to hide it. We chew a lot of gum to mask the smell of alcohol on our breath to hide it. We do anything to hide it.

I've flirted with the idea of writing a book called "The Alcoholic Next Door" because like the 'girl next door' we are as seemingly normal and well adjusted as the rest of the world. But, we're not, and we give off the signals we're not if someone is willing to pick them up. And if you pick them up, you can begin to help them, even if they aren't ready to quit, and even in the subtlest of ways.

I have a friend who is a problem drinker. I know because being one myself I am picking up the signals. She is jealously guarded about it, so we don't talk about it. But she is also an older athlete and osteoporosis runs in her family. I told her I was taking Iso-Soy to support bone mass and suggested she should try it. But the purpose of my suggestion was twofold. Not only will the Iso-Soy help her maintain bone mass, but also the daidzin in it may unknowingly cut back her desire for alcohol. Sneaky, I grant you, but just waking up with a greater than 500 batting average without a hangover may help her realize just how great not drinking (or at least drinking less) is. If it works, great, if not, at least she's supporting her bone structure.

Problem drinkers are a little bit like jigsaw puzzles. We are individual pieces with our own shapes, but when you put it all together, we form the same picture. You've come to a good place quasicon. We share and empathize with what you are going through.

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HadEnough