OK - a warning - this gets a bit graphic.
I think, being brutally honest - I'm one of those people who had to hit rock bottom. My drinking was out of control - and by that I mean flat-out insane levels: a quiet night for me was drinking around 3 litres of the strongest cider or beer that I could find, most often topped off with some shorts or maybe some wine. At weekends, I'd really cut loose (which is mind-boggling, in retrospect).
I had tried every way possible to moderate for nearly 15 years - because in all honesty, I didn't really want to give up. I liked the buzz that it gave me, and I was going to get that buzz, regardless of what the impact was on my life. I looked like hell - a red faced, bloated, angry, panic-stricken, weeping, vomiting mess.
One morning I woke up for my daily puke, when I saw blood - dark coloured blood, not the "usual" bright red blood that I normally saw. My head and more worryingly, my heart were pounding (I had already been dignosed with high-blood pressure and had been told to stop drinking several times by my doctor). And I couldn't stop being sick....it just kept going, even though I was by that time just dry-heaving. Not pretty.
After several hours of feeling like hell...the feelings of nausea subsided slowly - I think it took maybe three or four days to recover enough to go to work.
That was the point where I made the commitment to give up completely. I knew, inside, that I was genuinely killing myself. I knew I couldn't moderate. Moderation for me, was just another name for binge-drinking - it had to be all or nothing.
I didn't follow a programme, or use supps, aside from Valerian to help me sleep (I thoroughly recommend it, for any insomniacs out there). I didn't really have any choice, as I was broke, basically. Please note - I don't advocate the cold-turkey method for everyone - for me it was Hobson's Choice, as I couldn't afford even the most basic of programmes. So I white-knuckled it.
My motivation was to not die - I knew, inside, that I had run out of options, and it was a case of change my ways or die a stupid death.
The key, for me, was keeping busy - ANYTHING to stay off the booze. I painted fences, worked on computer programs, played guitar, walked, did a bunch of overtime at work (my boss was in a state of shock!).....whatever it took. It was a month-to-six-weeks of hell, with all the classic symptoms - shaking, sleeplessness, all the good stuff
But then it started getting better, very slowly...and piece by piece, you really do start to live again. As our dearly missed Bear said - never give up. That's the important thing. To get to the stage where I could commit to total abstinence, I had to go down every possibly route which avoided it. I did that for the best part of a 15 years of problem drinking.
But sometimes you have to go down the wrong routes to know which one is the right one.
I'm genuinely humbled by it all - I really appreciate the messages of congratulations above - many of them have moved me to tears - but to be honest, I feel that I've body-swerved certain death, and I'm very VERY aware that one drink, for me, will put me on the track to certain disaster. I'm aware that over-confidence on my part, or taking sobriety for granted - could ruin it all. When you're ready to do whatever it takes to get sober and take control of your life back - that's the turning point.
One day, I'll write a book about it, LOL
So that's where I am today - grateful to be alive, and grateful for my family and loved ones, and also grateful for the people on this forum - you guys inspire me to keep going every day.
Peace & strength,
ZM