Dear Beth - please don't give up even if that feels like the way to go. The fact that you are online and have asked for help tells me that you are still fighting... a little weak at the moment, but fighting back. An article that has helped me a lot is at
Shambhala Sun - How We Get Hooked and How We Get Unhooked
This past week for me has been such an eye opener. After many, many years of severe but functional drinking I realized that my health was going fast. A few months of chemotherapy will do that to you, added to 10 months of "chemo light" that damaged my heart. I 'suddenly' realized in just the past few weeks that if I didn't curb my drinking seriously I would not live another year... I am quite serious. I know in my heart (literally) that if I don't stop/moderate I will not be here next year at this time. I am on two medications for my blood pressure, I am seriously overweight (despite being a former athlete) and am pre-diabetic.
What did it for me?
I stopped looking back. I stopped blaming my father for my unhappy and abused childhood. I stopped blaming my mother for abandoning me at 18 months to a chronic alcoholic. I stopped blaming the universe for being raised by aging grandparents, including my very depressed grandmother. I started "living in the now" (read Eckhart Tolle and Dr. Wayne Dyer) and seeing a new future for myself. I am now starting to feel much more inspired and hopeful... and exercising and eating properly and limiting alcohol big time... and read the MWO book and have ordered the full program - supplements and CDs... even without them I feel SO DIFFERENT already!
I was so depressed in February - May that I actively considered suicide. To have come this far back from that abyss is nothing short of a miracle. I now believe in miracles... you can too. Today may seem black and soggy... tomorrow could be your miracle. Open up to that possibility... dare to dream... we are all with you.
BIG HUGs, Mary