[Rachelita]

Hi, I'm new at this, but here goes. I have a serious drinking problem. I'm 28 and I've been drinking since I was 15. I used a lot of drugs too, mostly pot, but also x, coke, lsd, pain pills, mushrooms, even cough syrup! I quit using drugs after I graduated college, which was a miracle due to all the drinking and drugging on a pretty much daily basis. I have a failed marriage, my alcohol consumption was and issue, but mostly our cultural differences and money issues drove me to have an affair. After that I cleaned up my act and although I was still drinking every night, I was working and getting my master's degree. Functioning. I took a job in El Salvador teaching English to be with my now I'm pretty sure ex boyfriend (I have a thing for foriegners). I have dealt with depression and an eating disorder my whole life and being in a third world country pretty much did me in. I was caught stealing food and subsequently fired from the job. I had to move back in with my parents to get treatment for my eating disorder and the shame and boredom (not much to do where my parents live) combined with the fact that I have only one friend from my hometown who I still keep in touch with had me drinking all the time. I was broke and stealing from my parents to get wine and food until they got fed up and kicked me out after AA did not work for me. I had nowhere to go and was going to be homeless until I called an old friend from college who took me in. Eventually he also got fed up with my drinking and joblessness and the fact that I stole $20 from his best friend while blacked out. I finally got a job and was able to convince my parents to help me rent an apartment in the capital city, where I was before going to El Salvador. I lost the other job about a month ago for being too hung over to go and and afraid to call in and admit that fact. No call no shows are automatic firing. So my hung over ass called and told them my grandfather passed away. How low can you get? A couple of weeks ago I landed in the er for detox, they put me in a backless gown and a bed in the hallway for the first 24 hours. Then I was moved to a padded room with a four inch mat on the floor, a blanket and a pillow. I had to be accompanied everywhere but the bathroom. Due to the joblessness factor, I have no insurance and the health care systems here screws people with no healthcare. Especially alcoholic bulimics who have noone to blame but themselves. I already hate myself, hence all the self destructive behavior, so let's treat me with less humanity please. I have gotten to the point where I need detox, but almost everything is 12 steps. And those that aren't are way too expensive. I've found a place in Tennessee for women that I'm currently begging my parents to pay for. I feel pathetic that at 28 I still have to run to mom and dad for help. I also really like this site and want to try working this program, getting on the anticraving drugs which sound like heaven. I can't take the withdrawl symptoms; I've never been good with pain. Which doesn't make much sense seeing as how I've done this to myself. I'm just in so much mental anguish and tired of living like this. I don't know how to cope with life and up until now everyone just yells at me. I did send my parents this website, but right now they only agree with rehab. Which I do need, I'll be honest. But if they send me, when I get out this site will be the first place I go for support. No one else understands and you all are so supportive of one another, which is what I need bigtime. Sorry this is so long and you probably don't want to hear about an eating disorder since this is for alcohol abuse, but that's my story. For the time being I have to keep drinking until I can detox, which is sad to me, but a reality I have to face. I can't wait until this ends. I'm going to try to get the books before (knock on wood) I am sent to rehab. Maybe I can even share this with some of the other women? I don't think moderation is an option for me, but who knows? I know that idea won't fly with my family, but AA has been the only thing people seem to have heard about and really believe in. Well, at least I have come to terms with my problems and am ready and willing for help. Why it took me so long I don't know. No one wants to admit they're a failure. Ok, I'm done. That's me. Sorry so long and sorry not published in the Stories forum but I'm new.