[Rachelita]

hank you all for the words of encouragement.
Hart,
It is difficult not to beat myself up when I feel the way I do. I'm not sure what's wrong with me mentally, I'm beginning to think it's something besides depression. I have a lot of pent up anger and a hard time keeping my patience. I just hate that it takes so long to find out what the real problem is and how to fix it. Hopefully, fingers crossed my parents will send me to this place. They still haven't responded and the wait is killing me (that patience issue again). Right now I have a lot of guilt about not only everything I've done, but also how it affected everyone around me that I love. It's taken me a while to sink in, but I realize how much repressed guilt I have on top of all the obvious guilt. I didn't go into specifics with my friend's suicide but I pretty much ignored his calls for help because, well, I couldn't help him and no one else would. All the people he was close to before he committed suicide were drug users and alcohol abusers themselves, none intent on quitting because, well, they could afford to and some still functioning (he was a man who was gay living in Sarasota, Florida, a very rich city) He came back to me in Ohio to escape his meth addiction and had trouble finding work. I gave him money, a place to live, emotional support, and love. He was so deep in self loathing that he drank himself to a DUI in my car which ended up getting impounded (I was out of town). He called me after the jail let him out bawling to tell me the news. I got furious because of my own ability to deal with stress and got drunk myself, pissing off my family. I was stuck states away on a family vacation with no way to get my car out of impound and to make matters worse my friend stopped answering the phone and I had no idea what was going on. He finally answered the phone and told me he had tried unsuccessfully to commit suicide three times. I could not deal with the stress of my job, my school work and his problems and told him to get out. He was able to find refuge at his grandfather's but tried again to commit suicide. They put him on a bus back to Florida and I only saw him once after that. He was diagnosed bipolar but could not afford his medication. I lost contact despite attempt to reach him. I figured that he was just angry with me and let it go for over a year. I found out later he shot himself in the head in front of his other best friend. If I only knew then what I know now.

Savon 19,
Don't be jealous, I think I have an unfair advantage of being born into the information highway era of humanity. What would I do without the internet? I have no idea. Find the nearest library? I actually do have a library card, I love to read.
My screen name was given to me by my (ex? I don't know I just stopped calling him a couple of weeks ago due to my shame and I know he'll freak, his father's alcohol abuse ended his parent's marriage). It's a play on my name and the Spanish slang for white people.

To everyone else who wrote back, thanks for the support! I love this place.