I don't know what my goals are anymore. I thought moderating, but I am not even sure that's going to be possible. I am so new to all of this...last week was the first time I even admitted that I have a problem (and that was to all of you.) I read the book and ordered everything but nothing has come yet.
I didn't really embarass myself in front of coworkers...I guess I will write it out. Shit, maybe seeing it in black in white will scare me straight.
I drank so much that I blacked out - and this has only happened to me 2-3 times in my life (I'm 34.) Now, I have passed out (fallen asleep) but black outs are very uncommon for me - where I continue to walk/talk but retain no memory of it. NONE.
My social function was at a hotel, and my boyfriend was supposed to come down and spend the evening with me once I had finished around 10 pm. Well...he didn't have a key to the room or anything, and I woke up fully clothed on my bed at 4:30 in the morning. No boyfriend.
I couldn't remember how I got to my room, or what I had done prior to getting there. I figured I must have just stumbled back to the room and immediately fallen asleep, forgetting about my plans with my boyfriend. I was horrified when I listened to my voicemails on my cell phone and room phone and heard my sweet wonderful boyfriend calling, wondering what he should do, and where was I? Was I okay?
I sent him two text messages immediately (it was too early to call) telling him I had fallen asleep and that I was so sorry I had missed him and left him hanging. By the time we spoke, I was again apologizing profusely...feeling so terrible for not calling him or telling him what was going on. He said, "Why are you apologizing? Don't you remember we had a 20 minute conversation about this last night?"
He dropped the subject quickly and reallly didn't seem that upset about it. But I hate myself for choosing to get wasted drunk instead of be with a man that loves me. What kind of person does that?
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