Hi Sassy. My 2pence worth.
I have done similar things more times than I can remember and hated myself over and over again. Like Popeye said, self esteem or lack of it doesn't help. Alcohol made my self esteem even lower and made me more insecure than usual. Once I was able to get a grip and admit my problem and start dealing with it, things have started to get better. It is hard but I find that remembering my bad times (remembering and NOT beating myself up about it) helps me stick to an AF life - 6 weeks so far. It's not easy always but it is always rewarding.
You are NOT hopeless but you must be frightened. The more you are able to control this the less frightened you will feel.
I wish you well my friend.
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