The "I love you Mom/Dad, but this is stressing me out!" Thread

[ready2change]

Hi DG, Janice, Mary and WIP....it's an odd comfort to know your not alone on the aging and ill parent front.

DG...great news about your Dad..I hope he contiues to improve and is able to go home. He will do so much better in his own enviornment. DG, I have to say that I just had to step in and stick my nose in my dad's medical issues. Twice now I have traveled quite a distance to go to doctors appts with him and my stepmom, simply because they are so overwhelmed with all the information they have a difficult time keeping it straight. The last time I went I had to interrupt/question the information my dad was giving the doctor, because it was completely different from the things we had been discussing in the previous weeks. He had the doctor believing he was improving and all was well, when that clearly was not the case. We saw two doctors that day actually, and the process was the same with both. I think on one hand my dad wants to believe he is better, but clearly he is not and they need to know that. I know my dad was not happy with me at the time, but by the next day, he was calling me and telling me how grateful he was that I was looking after him and taking the time to get involved.

I'm not sure if that helps at all, but I just figure, if I sit back at this point, there might not be another time for me to get involved. And I have no regrets, it was OK that he was not too happy with me that day, for in the long run, I know I did him a service.

I also wanted to add on a positive note, how please I am with the "system". This isn't the first illness Dad has had, he has had several, including Hairy Cell Leukemia for which he was in the hospital in ICU for 30 days being treated with interferon (sp?) and believe me that aint cheap. He NEVER pays for anything, other than some meds. He does have supplemental insurance, but even still, I am impressed with our medical system here for the elderly. It clearly has worked for my dad. Hope the same is true for the rest of you.

Thanks again DG for starting this thread, it really does feel better to get this out, especially when you have a dysfunctional family such as mine, and I can't hardly discuss this with any of them.

Bless you all with your lovely parents, were pretty darn good kids I think. Have a wonderful day.

R2C

[LVT25]

Gosh, I really feel for all of you guys. It's so hard to watch our parents age and lose their dignity. The role reversal is a hard one also.
My parents would have both been 80 this year. They were married a VERY log time, and pretty much got sick (cancer) at the same time. Dad had prostate cancer that he managed to survive for almost 20 years until it went into his bones, and my mom had some kind of "undetermined" cancer cells that ended up in her lungs (she also had COPD from smoking) and then went to her bran. Talk about a couple of strong people! I am still so proud of my mom--she had to feel like crap, but she never gave up until the end. (Farmers!)
Anyway, they took care of each other with the help of my brother and wonderful SIL who lived near by, until my mom passed away. Then all of us kids (3) took turns staying with dad on the farm, cooking for him, and keeping him company. He as so sad, he was so sure he would go before my mom. OK. DG to the maybe useful information:

He had a "LIfe Alert" so we could leave him alone for short periods, if he fell, he could use that.
My brothers built ramps so my mom mostly could have access to the house in a wheelchair.

We basically did EVERYthing we could so they could stay in their home. It was hard at times, but we also knew it wouldn't be for long. When my dad got worse, he was in the hospital for 3 weeks, then he had to go to a nursing home. He was there 5 days before he fell out of bed and broke his hip. I wish he never had to go there--of course the same thing could have happened anywhere.

My parents were fortunate they never lost their faculties--it was their biggest fear---I feel for all of you going through that!

Hang in there, pray about it, and be patient even when it's hard!

[Jules]

Doggygirl

You talked about so many meds. Our Dr. had a habit of not really paying attention to what he has already given us with something new. Pharmacist should give you a warning if there is a problem But....Go to ( sorry I cant figure out how to do a link)

drugstore.com Online Pharmacy - Prescription Drugs, Health and Beauty, plus more click the pharmacy tab on the top and on the left it will say
Drug Interaction Checker

Enter information and it will flag possible problems. I used this for myself and was actually quite shocked. Get a list of your dads meds and try it .

Julie

[Jules]

Dang it made the link for me..how cool!!!!!!!!

[A Work in Progress]

Very good point, Jules, old people typically have several docs and maybe one (sometimes forgetful) primary care provider... making sure all the meds are OK is one of the GREAT things that the geriatric care manager is doing for us (and another reason I wanted ours to be a nurse, and not a social worker).

wip

[Doggygirl]

R2C, my folks have been fortunate in the financial regard too - with all Dad's various ailments and treatments we have had no problems at all with Medicare or the supplemental insurance company. Don't even get me started on my thoughts about the health care system for the rest of the population in the US!

LVT I'm very sorry for your loss of your parents. I can't even imagine how difficult that time is going to be. It's wonderful that you and your sibs were able to contribute so much and make it possible for them both to stay in their home until the end. While my Mom and Dad never farmed full time themselves, they both come from multi-generations of farming families, and the influence from that is very evident in both of them. It would be great if both of my brothers lived closer so that sharing a helping workload would be possible. My Big Anger at my middle brother (the one who is supposedly so religious!) has to do with the fact that he WAS looking to move back to this area after his step daughter graduated from college and launched successfully into the career phase of her life. I will give my brother a couple brownie points for honesty, but he point blank told me that he and his wife decided to stay in Florida because they would rather not deal with elderly parent issues. (her parents are in the same town as mine and about the same age as mine - and she has siblings who are "local" to her parents as I am to mine) WIP - maybe I DO need your wise counsel after all - I have a hard time getting past that one. It's one thing to have family and career stuff going on (as my other brother does) but to SPECIFICALLY stay away for that reason....... I need to work on letting go of that issue...seriously.

Jules, thank you SO SO much for that web link!! I had no idea that was out there. I know my Mom is working on getting together a complete list of Dad's meds, and that will come in very handy. (my Dad has always been very private about his meds - kept them in a private place and never shared info with my Mom or anyone else - not very handy when an emergency occurs when he can't get his meds himself.....)

WIP it's good to know that the service you have for your Mom also monitors the meds. I like the idea of a 3rd party - NOT the prescribing doctor(s) - giving input. I hope you Mom meeting goes (or went?) well...

DG

[Doggygirl]

Jules, thank you again for that Drug interaction link. It looks awesome. They are supposed to be giving Mom an updated list of Dad's medications tomorrow, and she's going to fax it to me so I can see what comes up. I can already tell this is going to REALLY give us some good, 3rd party information so we can form intelligent questions for doc.

DG

[Jules]

You are very welcome!!!!!!!!!

[A Work in Progress]

Now, my mother has "fired" her night-time caregivers, and is telling everyone she is "firing" ALL her caregivers, or has already done so... her story changes... I spoke with my mother and later with the care manager, yesterday. We agree that she is not in imminent danger of harm, but that she just can't live totally on her own. Two choices: one is that the care manager could have her placed in a psychiatric hospital to see if there are any other medication choices that might make her a bit less unreasonable and aggressive... or let her stay at home with minimal in-home care, just so she gets her meds and gets food in her house, and is eating and staying clean, etc. And then when/if something that seems dangerous or near-dangerous happens, we get her to the psychiatric hospital. I voted for the latter, because I want her to have as much freedom as possible, and locking her up in another new facility will once again throw her into a total tailspin.

This is just awful, but I feel reasonably calm and resolved about it... not frantic, which is how I think I would be feeling if I had been drinking ("frantic" is how I felt the whole time she was in hospital and then in the nursing home, and I was drinking, then).

wip

[Doggygirl]

WIP I admire you for remaining calm in the face of two less than wonderful choices. And also for going with the choice for your mother's freedom as long as possible - when I'm sure that presents some additional challenges and unpredictability for you.

Where are all those people in the advertisements for the lovely beach side, golf course laden retirement communities? Something like that is always what I thought of when I thought of my Dad retiring. (well, he would never be that extravagent but still....a nice leisurly (sp) retirement...) I remember his retirement party so well. He really hated his job for the last many years of it, and was SO happy. His work friends gave him a BBQ grill and his siblings gave him a set of golf clubs and things looked good - the time he had been waiting for all those years. He didn't get much time to enjoy that before the problems started up.... Thank you for just letting me vent that. He's a good man and it seems so unfair. (but who said life is fair blah blah)

Mom is buying Dad a new bed today. It's made by Sealy and has some of the features like a hospital bed - can raise/lower the head / feet and I think change the softness/firmness. She did not get Dad's "permission" as he would never approve of that sort of expense. I encouraged her to go for it, as I think Dad deserves maximum comfort here in his elder years. (as far as the "permission" and Mom doing it anyway thing goes, that's how it always goes between them so that's nothing new.)

My fingers are firmly crossed that there are no set backs between now and Tuesday so the homecoming can happen. I guess there will be a "trial run" on Monday where they physical therapists or somebody supervises Dad getting into the car, traveling home, getting out of the car and into the house and up the stairs and around the house where he will at least need to go for basic needs. I sure hope that goes smoothly too.

I sure feel better just writing about this - like getting it out of my system. I'm so glad we have this place to express ourselves without dragging unsuspecting people into it on other threads.

Happy Friday, and may all of our elderly parents have the best possible day.
DG