The "I love you Mom/Dad, but this is stressing me out!" Thread

[retteacher]

DG: I'm leaving for my parents on Thurs., & frankly I've been discouraged. My mother is making her own choices, & absolutely doesn't take any suggestions either my brother or I have to offer. My (very wise) husband just reminded me that I am powerless over what my mother does. I'll be there for her in terms of what she feels she wants me to do. When I asked if we would be meeting w/the soc. worker, she said "we'll see" (read: probably not). Keep your fingers crossed for me.

I actually thought about asking the doc for a prescription for Valium, but I've never taken anything like that & don't know how I would react. I'm going to have to do this on my own...no AL, no drugs.

Mary

[A Work in Progress]

DG, I hope the "trial run" tomorrow goes well, and RET, best wishes on what sounds likely to be a verrrrry stressful "visit." Be strong. I think you are right to nix the valium, it just isn't good stuff to use as a sort of "substitute" in situations when we would otherwise drink, or want to drink. I avoid that stuff like the plague. Seen too many people get hooked.

My mother is getting kinda worse, very angry with everyone, now including the care manager (who was yesterday her "best friend"). Laughs when Care Manager asks her if she has taken her meds. Says she does not need to be taken to the dentist (her teeth are falling out and she has refused to cooperate with dental care, firing dentists, refusing to pay them, accusing them of malpractice) this week, she will "make her own arrangements." Whatever that means. She refused to go on the outing I had planned to take her on today.

I am back to feeling a wee bit frantic and stressed out again over this, not knowing what she will do next, and what our next move should be, to try to keep her healthy and safe. I am afraid I will have to petition for guardianship, which usually takes 6 months, is very expensive, and will make my mother MUCH angrier than she already is...

awww, damn.

thanks for listening, this is a good place to share all this...

wip

[SKendall]

DG and all of us who have aging parents. DG I hope when your dad gets home and once your mom has to deal with the stairs, etc. she will want to modify her lifestyle and hopefully will have some influence. My father is 85, in diapers and in a nursing home with demntia too, it's a very nice nursing home, but, it's awful to see him. Luckily he is a very compliant gentleman who chose the nursing home to being a burden on his family.

I would also encourage you to find the financial status, it was easy for us, because my dad was compliant, but perhaps your mom can appeal to him out of fairness for BOTH of them going forward.

If your brother is out of town, the social workers have names for them SOTS - sons out of town and DOTs, daughters out of town, who often have completely unrealistic ideas than the DIT's and the SIT's, who are there.

Good Luck to you and everyone who is facing this sad situation.

[Doggygirl]

Hi all. SKendall, thank you for your words of encouragement. I'm glad that your Dad is at least in a nice nursing home - I suppose at some point I better figure out what one of those looks like so I will know the difference - just in case I ever need to know that. (hope not...but I'm realizing that you never know!). When we had the bed pan disaster at this current lousy excuse for a "nursing" home, the gals asked where Dad's "diapers" were. He has not lost control of that function - the issue was them giving him 1) "if needed" instruction laxatives on a continual basis and 2) not wiping when they pulled the bed pan away. My poor Dad and the look on his face when these nasty girls were asking where his diapers were..... Anyway, I suppose it's good that your Dad is accepting of the circumstances. I'm sure that doesn't make it any easier for you to watch your Dad slowly deteriorate......

Mary, my thoughts will be with you this week. It is so tough. I'm with WIP on the valium. I don't think it serves us well to switch one substance to another. Valium scares me. I don't know what others might think, but I have found both GABA and L-Tryptophan very helpful when I'm in stressful situations that prompt my brain to drinking thinking. Have you ever tried either of those? Will you be able to log in once in awhile during your trip? We will be sending you vibes whether you can log in or not. Few more days...

WIP, your situation sounds SO stressful. Are you still thinking about the psychiatric hospital for a few days? Guardianship sounds unappealing....but might be something in your mother's best interest at this point??? Boy..talk about uncharted waters (for me personally...)

I am SO hoping this "trial run" goes smoothly. I thought about going down there, but I doubt they would allow me to actually help with anything since I would not be there to help on a regular day. And I suspect having "on-lookers" (even me) would just add to what I'm sure will be stressful for Mom and Dad anyway. It sounds like Dad is doing good - LOL yesterday he made it all the way to the nurses station to b*tch about something without his walker....he forgot it. What will really be to me is if things go well, and they actually follow through taking him BACK to that god awful place for the night and then do it all again tomorrow. I'm sure my Mom would be more than happy to make a quick trip into town to get his stuff and sign some paperwork and just leave Dad be at home where he wants to be. Funny...I've thought several times that it seems as though he's in jail. I'm sure my Mom could just walker him right out of there and take him home without their permission. But I suspect there might be medicare repurcussions or future treatment problems or something.

Anyway...will be on pins and needles until I hear how it went. I'm sending positive vibes to everyone dealing with aging parent issues today.

DG

[A Work in Progress]

What will really be to me is if things go well, and they actually follow through taking him BACK to that god awful place for the night and then do it all again tomorrow. I'm sure my Mom would be more than happy to make a quick trip into town to get his stuff and sign some paperwork and just leave Dad be at home where he wants to be. Funny...I've thought several times that it seems as though he's in jail. I'm sure my Mom could just walker him right out of there and take him home without their permission. But I suspect there might be medicare repurcussions or future treatment problems or something.

DG, it very much felt to me (and to my mother!) as if my mother were in a jail when she was in the "very nice" nursing home. She was/is not a "wanderer" but was locked in, could not go outside without an escort...

I inquired once, while she was there, about the medicare repercussions if I were to just want to take her home... they told me there would be none... But I ended up keeping her there until we had a diagnosis and treatment plan, and caregivers in place (although of course she has now sabotaged nearly all of that). BUT I think it is a different story about "future treatment options." If the elderly parent OR the family members are considered too much trouble, or uncooperative, or whatever, they can just make the decision that they "cannot meet [your] needs," if you ever try to get the parent admitted again. And if you try to go to another facility, they will insist on seeing the records from all other previous facilities... And that scared me considerably, because odds are very high that I will be in a situation once again, sometime down the road, of needing a nursing home for my mother.

I do hope it goes well today.

wip

[Doggygirl]

WIP you are the voice of reason. I KNEW there was a good reason why Dadnapping was not a good idea! Makes sense. We probably already DO have a bad reputation around there for insisting on making sure Dad's butt was wiped while he was still having to use a bedpan. No need to push it further with a little Dadnapping.

DG

[retteacher]

Everyone w/aged parents: My husband & I have been doing outdoor chores which has kept my mind & body busy. This is a good thing, as I think I would be very down about the parent situation. I feel thankful that I have the apartment upstairs & am not staying right in theirs w/them. 24/7 would be too much. I won't be doing any kind of drug or drinking. Today, I stocked up on a whole bunch of paperbacks: mostly mysteries. That should keep my mind occupied. Mary

[LVT25]

I got this e-mail this morning and it reminded me of you all, so I thought I'd share.

When an old man died in the geriatric ward of a nursing home in North Platte , Nebraska , it was believed that he had nothing left of any value

Later, when the nurses were going through his meager possessions, They found this poem . Its quality and content so impressed the staff that copies were made and distributed to every nurse in the hospital

One nurse took her copy to Missouri . The old man's sole bequest to posterity has since appeared in the Christmas edition of the News Magazine of the St . Louis Association for Mental Health . A slide presentation h as also been made based on his simple, but eloquent, poem.
And this little old man, with nothing left to give to the world, is now the author of this " anonymous" poem winging across the Internet.
Crabby Old Man

What do you see nurse?. . . . What do you see?
What are you thinking . . . . . when you're looking at me?
A crabby old man,. . . . . not very wise,
Uncertain of habit . . . . . . with faraway eyes?

Who dribbles his food . . . . . .. . and makes no reply .
When you say in loud voice . . . . . "I do wish you'd try!"
Who seems not to notice . . . the things that you do
And forever is losing ... . . . . . . A sock or shoe?

Who, resisting or not . . . . . . lets you do as you will,
With bathing and feeding. . . . The long day to fill?
Is that what you're thinking?. . . . Is that what you see?
Then open your eyes, nurse . . . . you're not looking at me .

See who I am . . . . . . As I sit here so still,
As I do at your bidding. . . . . . as I eat at your will .
I'm a small child of Ten . . . . . with a father and mother,
Brothers and sisters . . . . . . who love one another

A young boy of Sixteen . . . . with wings on his feet
Dreaming that soon now . . . . . . a lover he'll meet ..
A groom soon at Twenty. . . . . my heart gives a leap
Remembering vows . . . . . . that I promised to keep

[Janice]

I love you mam, I love you Dad but this is killing me.

[Doggygirl]

LVT, thank you for sharing that poem.

Janice - I know you are hurting and I wish I could help. All you can do is your best - the choices in front of you are not easy or pretty.

WIP I hope you survived another day of Mom. It doesn't sound like the situation is going to get better - hope I'm wrong.

Well, Dad is home. He sounds exhausted so I hope the "trial run" yesterday and big day today don't tip his balance in some bad way. Sometimes I'm just at these facilities and doctors. Dad has been sitting in that nursing home about 2 blocks away from the hospital and outpatient facilities for THREE WEEKS. His primary care doctor NEVER checked on him in person - NOT ONCE. Now he went home (miles away out in the country) and what does the doctor do?? NOW he schedules all kinds of tests and procedures and appointments for the next three days. WHAT THE F*%^%!!!!! All my Dad wants to do is just enjoy being home and get some rest. Geez. I have a sad feeling this situation isn't going to be improving much either. With Diabetes it's an up and down thing with the trend line going down. I hope my mother doesn't run herself into the ground.

Mary I will be thinking of you too - I hope you get some nice relaxation in before you leave on Thursday. Since you are bringing mystery books along - please let us know if there are some good recommendations. Sounds like a great way to sort of loose yourself during your 'off' time.

Take care everyone. Wouldn't it be nice if there was a magic want that could make this all go away.

DG