Thoughts On 30 Days AF

[NetMarketer]

I recently did a 30 day stretch with no alcohol. Wednesday August the 6th was the last day. This weekend I drank...ok more like binged, but it was all planned. Today I'm slightly hungover but have a different attitude and this past weekend served as a sort of 'test' or 'experiment'.

I went about it like I used to, bought a case of beer-coors light and started drinking Saturday afternoon. Woke up Sunday, went to the in-laws pool and started at about noon. Got a good buzz both days, I've never been one to get $hit faced regularly.

Nothing changed as far as waking up at 2 am with heartburn and that disgusting pasty alcohol breath, I felt like crap and the same feelings of shame, guilt, regret, and general disgust arose once again.

However, what is different is that I feel a sort of detachment from the alcohol, beer in my case. Whereas before thinking of my persona, I identified or viewed myself as a drinker. I don't feel that way anymore (Forgive me if this sounds convoluted). I am not yearning that next drink like I used to. Everything doesn't remind me of drinking like it used to. The obsession and planning of virtually all my activities around drinking are also gone.

Is this what normal people experience in relation to drinking? Viewing it as an 'activity for the day' and then go back to living a normal life once the party is over and not really thinking of drinking until the next social event?

I learned a lot about myself, these past 30 days. I tapped energy reserves I didn't know I had. After the first 2 weeks my thinking really crystallized and my memory improved tremendously, I'm shocked at how well I remember things now and I've lost 13 lbs. Blood pressure has also dropped about 10 points.

I know now, that I don't want to be a slave to alcohol. I also know that I do want to drink on occasion. Neither abstinence nor moderation is for me (I never saw the point in having just 1 beer anyway ) rather, I think I'll drink what I normally drink (6-10 beers) on special occasions, for example, I'm going on vacation in late September, I'll probably drink, but only if I want to, not to feed a craving.

It's very liberating to not constantly be thinking about booze. If you are wanting to stop, just do it now, don't wait till Monday, don't wait until you've drank what's left, don't wait for the perfect time, because their isn't any. Keep yourself busy if you get a craving, it wasn't all smooth sailing for me in the 30 days. Some days I thought I was gonna break , so I went out and ran until I tired myself out.

Some may disagree with my method for future drinking, but I think everyone has to have a plan that suits them. I'm not claiming victory just yet, but the first battle has been won.

[Cinders]

Net,

This is a poignant post for me because of my husband remarking on my drinking.

He said "Normal people can't drink that much, EVER."

I think I finally got it.

Normal people don't throw down 6-10 beers, 1 - 2 bottles of wine, a pint of whiskey, whatever.

Because normal people simply do not want or LIKE (this was really hard for me) to get sh*t-faced. "Normal" people like a glass or two of wine, or a couple beers, or a couple mixed drinkes. The rest of us want more. Much more. (In my case, enough to be blacked out and gone.)

Depends on how far down the road you have gone.

Sorry. This is not the answer you were looking for and I completely understand the slant you are coming from. Not drinking unless it is a "special" occasion and then you can do what you want. So, like New Year's Eve, Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, Easter, Thanksgiving (depending on what country), Independence Day (diff for countries), Holiday this, holiday that, vacation this, vacation that. So and so's birthday, or bar mitvah, (bat mitvah?), communion, consecration, umm, whatever religion, whatever circumstance.

I am not saying that is where you are. I am saying that that is the road you can go down if you are not careful. Extremely careful.

I am not putting down "modders" at all because those who have just found themselves in a rut and not truly alcoholics can moderate. It takes work, but it is doable.

For the many of us on this site that are truly alcoholics (however you want to define that term, not going there and NOT doing that) moderation is not possible. Several of us have found that out after many months of sobriety, and even more have found that out after many YEARS of sobriety. Once "we" start drinking again, it is only a matter of time, that time not being long enough to get us to really old age, where we are back in the saddle, drinking hard and killing ourselves.

Darn. I didn't mean to post such a long post here and usually don't to those who are trying to mod. I usually have a "hands off" and let them figure it out approach. Unlike AA where they say "do or die." No, it is not do or die. Many can mod. Many more cannot.

Why? We don't know for sure yet. Until we do, those who are testing the waters are playing with fire. Some get burned and some get great marshmallows. I wish I could tell everyone which one they are...

Love,
Cindi

[Doggygirl]

Hi Netmarketer. I wish you the best with your plan. I have to say I agree with what Cindi posted. My husband has become my standard for what a "normal" drinker does / does not do. He would pass out if he drank 4 beers much less 6 - 10 beers. He doesn't like the taste enough, and definitely not "being drunk" enough to WANT to ever drink that much.

For him, special occassions (however you define those) are NOT "OK!! Time to celebrate by drinking!!" They are about celebrating whatever the occassion is about, and if alcohol is or isn't part of it, that doesn't matter and it's definitely not something he thinks about in advance. And if alcohol IS present, he may or may not have any, and if he does it would only be one or two....MAX....the occassion, length of the party, etc. would not matter.

I can never be like that. It took me awhile on the slippery slope to finally just accept it, but I can't. Maybe you can, or maybe your idea of "normal" is something else. The only reason I write this stuff out is just in case someone reads it who looks into their own heart - in a way I couldn't (had to learn the hard way) - and stays AF if they need to rather than go for another round or 10 with the Beast.

I'm totally with you on LOVING the freedom of alcohol not controling my life. For me, I cannot have the freedom and drink under any circumstances. Maybe you can.

DG