anger and the seed of regret

[HealerHealing]

I am not sure I want to stop drinking, but then why do I find myself here day after day. I have so much respect for those of you that have gone AF. I frankly enjoy numbing myself out...my "love" life is troubled I have a ton of responsibility and at night it is so nice to just feel numb, happy in that strange way and nothing quite affects me the same way. I don't feel very at home in my home these days. Turmoil seems to be our constant state. While my partner is working on her issues (truley taking real visable steps) I am still here in this present moment trying to see what the future may hold. I am afraid of letting go of this vice. I mean I still go to work everyday, still take care of my children and animals. I always remember putting them to bed, I do spen tons of time with them, I keep my house clean, I have friends, I take care of the things I need to take care of.....so is the AL really messing with my life? I do know that at times I have overdone it, but generally I feel I am in control of the amount I consume and I can stop when I feel I have a buzz. There is a part of me that knows it is not good to "self medicate" I know that it ages me and is not healthy. AARGGGGGGGHHHHHHH! I just feel so frustrated, confused, alone. I wonder if I am just thinking about all this stuff too much, if all my attention to it is really necessary. I don't really know what anyone can say to help with this, I know none of you have the answers, and that you dont know me, but sometimes it just feels nice to bklow off some steam.
PS
I still haven't bought another bottle of rum, even though I did the shopping today and tonight it will be gone.....

[Popeye]

I wonder if I am just thinking about all this stuff too much, if all my attention to it is really necessary

This is an excellent observation.
I find myself thinking about it constantly on occasion. I think it's the addiction telling you what's right for you and not your true self. Many times I have listened to that little voice telling me that it will be alright tonight and just caved. It's a weakness that is my major problem. I know what I need to do, but the addiction knows better. I'll have to work on that.
I find a little meditation often helps calm my racing mind, if I can get myself to meditate before the decision is made.

[tlrgs]

wel first you know that you are not alone and wehave ll been there and done that but if you say you can handle it i wish you all the best .. but if you are having problem in life genral there might be something that you want to change and al might not be the good thing to be adding to it ..and have you try to take a month off of al .. just because you came here for a reason and you must be thinking there is a problem with al so deal with it now rather then later before it too late .. good luck stay strong and think positive

[Nurseindistress]

Just wanted to say that I can relate to your feeling of not being sure you want to stop drinking. I have felt that way for a long time, and was content to numb away the stress every night. All of a sudden, though, my drinking spiraled way, way out of control, and I know that I am going to really hurt myself and others if I don't stop. Everything has gotten so out of control. I do believe, and now know, that it is so not worth it. I hope you don't let yourself get to where I am now. It is not a good place to be.

[Doggygirl]

Healer, I think what you describe about your conflicting feelings - wanting to drink, and wanting to NOT drink - are very normal when confronting an addiction. I assume addiction might be an issue since you are concerned and it doesn't sound like it's easy for you to truly take it or leave it. (addiction or call it whatever - the label is not significant - the symtoms are...)

I have dealt with two major addictions - first nicotine and now alcohol - and these conflicting feelings came with both. For YEARS I wanted to quit smoking, but wanted to smoke. Same with drinking. Because I AM addicted to these substances, and could NOT just casually take them or leave them, way too much of my life was spent like this:

1. Do I have enough cigarettes / alcohol to get me through until I can buy more?
2. When can I smoke / drink?
3. Where can I smoke / drink?
4. How can I work around the barriers to my smoking / drinking? (i.e. non-smoking places or situations where more than one or two drinks would have been problematic - like in front of the boss)
5. How fast can I get away from the barriers to my smoking / drinking so I can get HOME where I can smoke / drink as much as I want to in PEACE?
6. Hey!! Smoking / Drinking is legal!!! I can do it if I want to!!! Leave me alone!!
7. Sunday is coming up - can't buy booze 'til noon - better re-check the supply.
Repeat list.

Smoking was easy to accept as an addiction because let's face it - 99.9% of people who smoke ARE addicted to nicotine. Drinking was harder for me to accept as an addiction becuase the lines are fuzzier - some people can take it or leave it, some people can't, and there seems to be a huge grey area in the middle. But....when I finally faced the facts that I was going through the EXACT SAME PROCESS to feed my alcohol addiction that I used to do for my nicotine addiction, the alarm bells went off.

People who are not addicted to alcohol do not plan drinking and execute drinking in the same way that problem drinkers do.

I don't know if you are addicted to alcohol or not. Or a problem drinker or whatever you like to call it. I am only suggesting as food for thought that "planning and executing" part in case it is a warning signal to you like it was to me.

It's been hard to give up the addictions, but I don't regret it AT ALL. It is wonderful to be free of the ball and chain of all that planning - and the ANGER when I was in situations where I COULDN'T get a fix when I wanted.

Best wishes to you - I do understand the conflict you feel.

DG
Day 86 Alcohol & Hangover Free

[mwo2]

Healer, I can hear the frustration and confusion in your post, hence the anger...your title also said "the seed of regret" I am wondering about that...regret is a huge part of letting al take control of your life, or for al to be so important in your life, in my case at least and I have heard from others about this. I didnt get the what you regret part so much from your post but it is there in the title so thinking that you do have some regret from al ? and if so then al is something that you need to perhaps stop doing... better to end with a seed of regret than to have that seed become a tree of regret.

[Isolde]

Doggygirl, I think you make an excellent point about the planning. I started analyzing whether or not I wanted to attend events/functions based on whether or not I would be able to drink there. And if not, would I be able to drink before? After? Heck, I took a small bottle into the movies a couple of weeks ago and mixed it into my Coke. I started thinking about how handy keeping a flask would be. I'd be out at dinner and have enough to drink to feel really good, and yet would continue to drink when I got home.
Um, can we say problem drinker? Yeah...

When my plans started to revolve around alcohol, I started to realize that I might have some issues! One good thing about that realization is that I found all of you guys, and I know that I'm not alone.

[A Work in Progress]

Healer, DG's post is fantastic. She really lays it out. I'm going to read it again, and I hope you will, too. It is a really clear way of clearing away all the other side issues and getting to the real question of how dependent are you, really, on alcohol... If you decide you are dependent, and you want to get it out of your life, you can do that here...

best wishes,

wip

[vera-b]

Hi Healer,

I echo everyone in that you are not alone with your conflicting feelings. We all have felt that way to one extent or another. It's the pleasure part of al that makes it so difficult to give it up. And even after we suffer physically or emotionally from it, the beast of addiction whispers in our ear to remember the pleasure part. When my Dr. prescribed Campral, she made a point of saying that medications (and supplements) that help curb cravings often work on our brain chemistry (the pleasure zones) in a way similar to booze so that we get the feel good without drinking. It's hard to turn our backs on pleasure. But so many of us have to, because the pleasure comes at excrutiating cost.

But I think your slippery slope (when I say "you" I really mean "all of us") is that you're using booze to achieve numbness. When we can't take the everyday stresses of our lives, what does that say about us? That maybe we need to change a few things? Perhaps it's time to try the AF route for 30 days and see if things are indeed better. At least then you'd have the first hand knowledge and would be able to make an intelligent decision. Whatever you decide, know that you will be encouraged along the journey.

V.