Giant F-Up

[SassyGirl]

And by the way...thank you all for holding me up right now.

[lil.michelle]

Hey hun!
It'll past. Give it a week or so and you'll feel better. I've had MANY nights like that, it's a horrible feeling. I'm soooo sorry you're feeling they way you do. I know it sounds horrible but what's done is done so you just need to move on from it. Easier said then done i know but trust me, it WILL get better. Try doing something fun to take your mind off it. Sorry i can't help anymore!
I hope you feel better soon!

[Popeye]

Hey Sassy,
The self-loathing does go away, but only if you don't allow it an oppertunity to get back in.
I spent many years hating myself and not caring if I woke up next day or not. I really did not like what I had become. I wasn't a bad man, or have evil thoughts or anything like that. I simply could not control myself around alcohol.
I would wake in the morning and go to work still drunk from the night before, conducting my day with the usual efficiency; having a laugh with my colleagues (the construction industry allows for this), go home, have my dinner and then start on the vodka. The next day was often the same, and social events were just excuses to get totally legless. I have woke up in fields, strange houses and different towns with no recollection of how I got there. Your boyfriend seems to be OK with what happened, but maybe not if it keeps happening again and again.
A lot of us here have great self-esteem issues. I know I do. I've never been confident and consider myself unworthy of most of the good things in life, but since getting a better grip of myself, I find that I'm not the waster that I always believed I was. I still have problems with feelings of inadequacy.
It's all a matter of balance. Most people who drink overdo it occasionally. I overdid it usually. Now I'm getting to the place where I only overdo it now and then....not great, but not too bad either. It will take most of us a while to find our balance. Don't feel too bad. Take what you can from the experience and use it the next time you need it. It will take time to get where you want to be, but you can get there; never forget that.
Take care.

[SassyGirl]

Thanks Popeye & Michy..

You know what is killing me the most? Well, it's two things really.

One, I finally ADMIT to myself that I have a problem, and then turn around and have one of the worst drunks I've ever had in my life. Doesn't fill me with a lot of hope about what I can do moving forward, kwim? I know I will get past this, just feeling hopeless for the moment. I WILL keep trying, and I know with time I will be okay.

Two, I really just realized that I am head-over-heels in love with bf more then I thought. And that's not something I want to screw up and lose, and I know I will if I keep this up. You're exactly right, Pop. He's not going to stick around if it keeps happening. I have texted him twice today and he hasn't responded, so now I am more insecure then usual that maybe he already has decided he's had enough. Mind playing tricks on me (I hope.)

Just feeling hopeless and scared...and need to snap out of it. I really want to go shopping or go get a massage, but I feel like I deserve to just sit here and be miserable.

[Popeye]

Go shopping AND get a massage.
There are too many chances to sit and be miserable....screw that

[startingover]

Hi Sassy. My 2pence worth.
I have done similar things more times than I can remember and hated myself over and over again. Like Popeye said, self esteem or lack of it doesn't help. Alcohol made my self esteem even lower and made me more insecure than usual. Once I was able to get a grip and admit my problem and start dealing with it, things have started to get better. It is hard but I find that remembering my bad times (remembering and NOT beating myself up about it) helps me stick to an AF life - 6 weeks so far. It's not easy always but it is always rewarding.
You are NOT hopeless but you must be frightened. The more you are able to control this the less frightened you will feel.
I wish you well my friend.

[Frogzter]

I think self loathing is just a part of our make up. I do it all the time, but I know that it accomplishes nothing. I drank yesterday and made a post that was nothing but self loathing, but today is a new day.

Quit beating yourself up. You are AF today right? Be proud of that! Starting over is just that and some of us do it often. We are all here for you!

Heres hoping you feel better!

[nanlovesdogs]

Hey Sass,

I am in a very similar situation as you. After another "lost" Saturday night (20 beers, in public) my husband of 15 years told me I had to do something about my daily drinking. While not an ultimatum, the message was clear. I told him I'd "work on it" and not another word was said. Monday I found this website.
Sunday night I had 7 beers, almost half of my daily 16-20. Same thing Monday and Tuesday. I will probably stay at this point for a few more days, then keep trying to reduce.

If you really love him, you will do this for yourself. You obviously don't love yourself at this time, but that will come with learning what your issues are and dealing with them.

The slogan "One Day at A Time" means just that. It does not have to mean total sobriety yet. It means that you are not trying to conquer everything at once. That is a recipe for disaster! Seriously trying is (to me) almost as good as doing on this third day of my effort.

If you are not able to acknowledge you problem out loud (I am not), just keep in mind that you are doing this for yourself. You can fool people and make false comittments, but you cannot fool yourself. Don't even try. That's when the bad feelings come in.

We may not get there today, we may not get there tomorrow.
We will not get there in a straight line, but....WE WILL GET THERE!

Best of luck.

[SassyGirl]

Good Grief, I am an emotional mess. Nan, your post made me cry (again...I've been like this all day). So many things I don't want to acknowledge. You are right. I really do love him, but do I love myself...not so much. And I don't know why. (That's something I probably need to get to the bottom of.)
And no...I am not able to acknowledge my problem out loud, to anyone except all of you.

Frogz, I missed your self-loathing period yesterday. It's bittersweet to know that I am not alone with that feeling.

Starting, I am frightened. I am desperate for some control...I have a lot to prove, mainly to myself.

[nanlovesdogs]

Don't cry Sass,

Be comforted that there is a place to vent to folks just like us. This is the time to set goals. Myself, I am going to "titrate" down every few days. This way, no one will notice that I am conciously trying to cut down/out. I do not think think this is generally recommended, but It's what I need to do for me right now. I am waiting for book and supps and may change my mind at that point.

Pick one positive thing to think about. Nothing dramatic or serious. Nice weather, new shoes, chocolate cream pie...anything. Dry your eyes and set a goal.

Best of luck. You will do it!