New and scared to death

[Rachelita]

Hi, I'm new at this, but here goes. I have a serious drinking problem. I'm 28 and I've been drinking since I was 15. I used a lot of drugs too, mostly pot, but also x, coke, lsd, pain pills, mushrooms, even cough syrup! I quit using drugs after I graduated college, which was a miracle due to all the drinking and drugging on a pretty much daily basis. I have a failed marriage, my alcohol consumption was and issue, but mostly our cultural differences and money issues drove me to have an affair. After that I cleaned up my act and although I was still drinking every night, I was working and getting my master's degree. Functioning. I took a job in El Salvador teaching English to be with my now I'm pretty sure ex boyfriend (I have a thing for foriegners). I have dealt with depression and an eating disorder my whole life and being in a third world country pretty much did me in. I was caught stealing food and subsequently fired from the job. I had to move back in with my parents to get treatment for my eating disorder and the shame and boredom (not much to do where my parents live) combined with the fact that I have only one friend from my hometown who I still keep in touch with had me drinking all the time. I was broke and stealing from my parents to get wine and food until they got fed up and kicked me out after AA did not work for me. I had nowhere to go and was going to be homeless until I called an old friend from college who took me in. Eventually he also got fed up with my drinking and joblessness and the fact that I stole $20 from his best friend while blacked out. I finally got a job and was able to convince my parents to help me rent an apartment in the capital city, where I was before going to El Salvador. I lost the other job about a month ago for being too hung over to go and and afraid to call in and admit that fact. No call no shows are automatic firing. So my hung over ass called and told them my grandfather passed away. How low can you get? A couple of weeks ago I landed in the er for detox, they put me in a backless gown and a bed in the hallway for the first 24 hours. Then I was moved to a padded room with a four inch mat on the floor, a blanket and a pillow. I had to be accompanied everywhere but the bathroom. Due to the joblessness factor, I have no insurance and the health care systems here screws people with no healthcare. Especially alcoholic bulimics who have noone to blame but themselves. I already hate myself, hence all the self destructive behavior, so let's treat me with less humanity please. I have gotten to the point where I need detox, but almost everything is 12 steps. And those that aren't are way too expensive. I've found a place in Tennessee for women that I'm currently begging my parents to pay for. I feel pathetic that at 28 I still have to run to mom and dad for help. I also really like this site and want to try working this program, getting on the anticraving drugs which sound like heaven. I can't take the withdrawl symptoms; I've never been good with pain. Which doesn't make much sense seeing as how I've done this to myself. I'm just in so much mental anguish and tired of living like this. I don't know how to cope with life and up until now everyone just yells at me. I did send my parents this website, but right now they only agree with rehab. Which I do need, I'll be honest. But if they send me, when I get out this site will be the first place I go for support. No one else understands and you all are so supportive of one another, which is what I need bigtime. Sorry this is so long and you probably don't want to hear about an eating disorder since this is for alcohol abuse, but that's my story. For the time being I have to keep drinking until I can detox, which is sad to me, but a reality I have to face. I can't wait until this ends. I'm going to try to get the books before (knock on wood) I am sent to rehab. Maybe I can even share this with some of the other women? I don't think moderation is an option for me, but who knows? I know that idea won't fly with my family, but AA has been the only thing people seem to have heard about and really believe in. Well, at least I have come to terms with my problems and am ready and willing for help. Why it took me so long I don't know. No one wants to admit they're a failure. Ok, I'm done. That's me. Sorry so long and sorry not published in the Stories forum but I'm new.

[hart]

((((Rachelita)))

First of all That took guts spilling it all like that. Know you will be heard here and NOTHING you have done, felt, said, experienced, has not been shared with many at MWO. Bulimia is a coping mechanism as is alcohol for blotting out the pain. We all have done things while drunk that we would take back in a New York minute if we could. Beating yourself up for it will get you nowhere.

I truly hope you will get to rehab. it sounds like you are at rock bottom and there's only one way to go up hon! Do stick around, you will find amazingly supportive people here, we ask that you be honest, be open and be respectful, and it would be best if you started with respecting yourself. You will have to learn to forgive yourself too.

[tlrgs]

just know that you are not alone ..we are here for you .. just do your best ..stay strong and think positive

[universal]

Rach,

What a heartfelt post. I'm so glad you came to MWO. I hope your parents will help you pay for rehab. It does sound like you have hit your rock bottom but good on you for looking for help so young.

Best of luck, stick around, you'll find lots of support here. Keep us informed of your progress.

Love and hugs,
Uni

[savon19]

Hi Rachelita (pretty name!) - It sounds like you're ready for a change.

I can't remember now how I found this site, but it really is great due to wonderful people. I've read a lot and haven't found anyone to be judgmental!! Most have "been there" and understand.

I am 55 and it took me MANY years to get to the point where I got serious about quitting. I'm actually jealous that you're going to get your life together so much sooner than I did (actually, I'm in process, of course - doesn't happen overnight!). I have wasted so much time and have broken relationships.

Try not to dwell on past (which is not easy!). At your young age, you have so much to look forward to!!

Good luck & hug!

[Gyco]

hi rach,i wish you well,its gonna be a long journey,theres a lot of fortunate people here, that have been where you are now,take lots of advice,you aint seen nothin yet,you just have to say NO , LISTEN GYCO

[Resolute]

Welcome!! Keep checking in...excellent people here on this site that truly want to see you get better. Know that you're NOT alone in this...

[SKendall]

Please follow RJ's recommendations in her book, etc. and keep checking in.

[Rachelita]

hank you all for the words of encouragement.
Hart,
It is difficult not to beat myself up when I feel the way I do. I'm not sure what's wrong with me mentally, I'm beginning to think it's something besides depression. I have a lot of pent up anger and a hard time keeping my patience. I just hate that it takes so long to find out what the real problem is and how to fix it. Hopefully, fingers crossed my parents will send me to this place. They still haven't responded and the wait is killing me (that patience issue again). Right now I have a lot of guilt about not only everything I've done, but also how it affected everyone around me that I love. It's taken me a while to sink in, but I realize how much repressed guilt I have on top of all the obvious guilt. I didn't go into specifics with my friend's suicide but I pretty much ignored his calls for help because, well, I couldn't help him and no one else would. All the people he was close to before he committed suicide were drug users and alcohol abusers themselves, none intent on quitting because, well, they could afford to and some still functioning (he was a man who was gay living in Sarasota, Florida, a very rich city) He came back to me in Ohio to escape his meth addiction and had trouble finding work. I gave him money, a place to live, emotional support, and love. He was so deep in self loathing that he drank himself to a DUI in my car which ended up getting impounded (I was out of town). He called me after the jail let him out bawling to tell me the news. I got furious because of my own ability to deal with stress and got drunk myself, pissing off my family. I was stuck states away on a family vacation with no way to get my car out of impound and to make matters worse my friend stopped answering the phone and I had no idea what was going on. He finally answered the phone and told me he had tried unsuccessfully to commit suicide three times. I could not deal with the stress of my job, my school work and his problems and told him to get out. He was able to find refuge at his grandfather's but tried again to commit suicide. They put him on a bus back to Florida and I only saw him once after that. He was diagnosed bipolar but could not afford his medication. I lost contact despite attempt to reach him. I figured that he was just angry with me and let it go for over a year. I found out later he shot himself in the head in front of his other best friend. If I only knew then what I know now.

Savon 19,
Don't be jealous, I think I have an unfair advantage of being born into the information highway era of humanity. What would I do without the internet? I have no idea. Find the nearest library? I actually do have a library card, I love to read.
My screen name was given to me by my (ex? I don't know I just stopped calling him a couple of weeks ago due to my shame and I know he'll freak, his father's alcohol abuse ended his parent's marriage). It's a play on my name and the Spanish slang for white people.

To everyone else who wrote back, thanks for the support! I love this place.

[Dolly Sunshine]

It is a beautiful name. You won't make any forward progress till you can stop beating yourself up just a bit . You are at a crossroads. Withdrawl is scary but trust nowhere near as scary as your life will be a few years from now if you don't do something now. You are here. Read EVERYTHING. There is so much knowledge and so many tools here. Stay.