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  #1 (permalink)  
Old 08-11-2008, 05:04 PM
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Default Suicide and the stay at home mom.

There is one word that sums up the last 4 weeks of my life: BENDER. There were some sober days in there but in general, that word has been my noun and verb. And do you know what? I like it. I am sick of being told no and of telling myself no. Do you know why? Because shit stinks whether I'm sober or drunk. And pain hurts, fear scares, insults scar. Life is a business. Profit and loss. I am a slip though the cracks kinda girl. And I don't mind that so much but I'm afraid I might drag others through those cracks with me. Two little future men. Two little boys who (god help them) seem to need me and want me. To them I am great. No matter what. It's black and white. In their eyes, I am white, not black. In my eyes, I am oozing, spreading black. Are children crazy or are they able to see beauty in the grotesque. Two days ago I tried to make a list detailing why I shouldn't kill myself. The only reason I could come up with was that my little boys would be immersed in fear, pain and insults. To soon it seems when they have an entire lifetime to soak in that bath. So that is why I'm here. I resent it but I accept it. I suppose that is why we have kids - so that we have an excuse NOT to .... whatever, something... who has the guts to say it. Not me. That's cruel. Putting my life or death on the shoulders of innocent little kids. So, what to do? Hold on and postpone the inevitable? What's the most humane? Are they better equiped to handle it now or later?
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Old 08-11-2008, 05:07 PM
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NM, you are in a lot of pain, and I am concerned you may also be putting your kids at risk. Is there anyone else at home with you, with your children? Is there anyone you can talk to TODAY who can help you get some serious help, right away? Please let us know.

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Old 08-11-2008, 05:12 PM
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It is hard. And yes, they do see only the good when they are young. They are resiliant and forgiving. But, it will not last. You have got to get yourself together. No one said that it would be easy. But I do believe that it will be worth it.
They will love you until you can love yourself.
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Old 08-11-2008, 05:15 PM
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NM... Simple answer... your kids need you.
No question about it.

How would they feel if you weren't there for them?
You're "Mum"...you're their Whole Life.

Believe me... I've been there... Ive been a single mum for 13 years and it IS worth it.
You may feel like shit at times, but your children need you..

SO many times Ive spent the night ' inside a bottle', but so glad I managed to wake up the next day alive and to try again.

Be there for them.. and relish that goodnight kiss and hug that is so needed.... both for them AND for you

I am playing all the right notes... But not necessarily in the right order.....
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Old 08-11-2008, 05:31 PM
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As a fellow Mom I am sending you love and support.
I'm not as good as I'm gonna get, but I'm better than I used to be.
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Old 08-11-2008, 05:42 PM
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Dear Noma'am,

Stay Strong! Reading through some of your old posts you are a strong Lady! You can pull yourself back up, we all can! It is hard, but we have to do it for our kids.....THEY NEED US! YOUR KIDS need and WANT YOU!

I am a stay at home Mom also. It is the hardest job in the world with little to no credit. But we are doing a wonderful thing just like all the other Mom's out there working or not.

Please get the help that you need! .......and Let us help you if we can....

My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Sending you lots of Hugs,
Love, Bambi
"When you believe in a thing, believe in it all the way, implicitly and unquestionable." -- Walt Disney

Last edited by Bambi; 08-11-2008 at 05:43 PM..
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Old 08-11-2008, 06:07 PM
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I echo WIP - your post is so full of pain that I can feel it. I encourage you to seek a real person to talk to immediately, preferably a professional. Your life is precious whether you feel that way at the moment or not. I'm not surprised that your sons look at you the way God does - as his beloved creation. The eyes of a child are God-like in that way - we should take our cue from them!

I hope that with encouragement from your MWO family and the expertise of a professional you will come to realize that every single life matters. That lives have purpose. That love is at the center of our being and is meant to be shared and cultivated with others. That when we radiate love we set off all kinds of positive energy in the universe and it comes back to us tenfold. That little boys need a Mother who loves them and herself. That this is all possible even when we're at our lowest. That alcohol, drugs, and other crutches are a delusion. And yes, shit stinks, which is why we flush it.

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Old 08-11-2008, 06:38 PM
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My heart hurts just reading your post. I understand the utter despair you are feeling, your post could have been me 14 years ago. Please realize this is a temporary situation and each day is a new chance to start over. I know those are "just words", but I think we are all trying to reach out and can't really do much other than give you online support. There are professionals who can truly help, and I'm so grateful to the friend who convinced me to finally go for help. She saved my life. As much as you dearly love your boys, the stress of motherhood is tremendous and a real trigger for many of us.

My brother committed suicide ten years ago. As an adult I still can not deal with it. I feel so terribly sad for the despair he felt, and the despair you are now feeling. Please allow yourself to be helped.

And remember what another on said on here before: GOD DOES NOT MAKE JUNK
Love to you!
You, as much as anyone in the universe, deserve your love and respect. ~ Buddha
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Old 08-11-2008, 06:47 PM
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Noma....even animals seek his help ! Think about it.....if you take your life how can you take care of your problems here on earth ! You can only solve problems in the here and now ! We are here to help. Check us out ! IAD.
Be who you are and say what you feel because
those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.
Dr. Seuss
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Old 08-11-2008, 06:51 PM
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Nomaam, you are a strong and funny person -- I loved your posts earlier about WalMart! Many of us are starting -- again -- today with Day 1. Your community most likely has a suicide hotline # -- please call it and talk to someone.

Your kids love you. It will get better.
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