new here -- need advice

[TCCT]

I'm new to the site and to this world of recovery in general. I am learning as I go and have tons of questions.

My husband of almost 10 years (2 kids ages 5 and 7) is an "Epsilon" Alcoholic (periodic binger) and drug abuser. He has been sober/clean for only 2 weeks. He wrecked my car and left it in the garage for me to find. I took the kids in a rental and left. Finally hitting MY rock bottom and realizing that I could no longer participte/enable this ongoing mess.

After a few days he hit his bottom, went to see a counselor and went cold turkey -- and is working hard to figure out how to stay sober. I was really calm and supportive thru the initial shock of the first week but am not struggling -- up and down -- confused, hurt, scared, angry -- sometimes all at once. Really a MESS!

Should I be in AlaNon if he is not in AA?

Should I be pushing him to go to AA?
Like many Epsilon Alcoholic -- periodic binging -- has sober stretches in betwen where there is no craving for drinks -- so many people resist help -- thinking they are in control. Anyone ever heard of that?

He initially agreed to replace the car (which is only 1 year old) and is now saying we will have to fix it and live with it because it is proving to be expensive proposition ---- I'm angry and disappointed that he is not "making it right" -- but am not sure if I should push the issue --- I am always scared to "push" with him though and wonder -- am I again enabling??? Like as if he could say, "No big deal. The insurance is paying for the $7k damage to you car. We got off easy."????? I am disgusted at the idea of seeing this vehicle back in my driveway as it represents all the lies, sneaking, dishonesty, callousness with our family stability and his own life -- he could've been killed or killed someone else that night -- -- Am I being unreasonable?

I'm just sorting this all out -- very appreciative of any feedback.
TCCT

[MDBiker]

Originally Posted by TCCT

Should I be in AlaNon if he is not in AA?

Should I be pushing him to go to AA?

You should definately go to alanon. It shold help you a lot.

Pushing him to go to AA will do absolutely nothing good. It will probably make things worse. I wonder why the police didn't court order him to AA for the wreck.

If he doesn't feel he needs help, I am sure he is in the same boat as lots of alcoholics. HE HAS TO DECIDE FOR HIMSELF. I drank like that for a long time before I became a Gamma Alcoholic. It is a progressive disease, and HE has to decide when enough is enough.

Bear

[Determinatrix]

Hi TCCT,

I agree with Bear. Please get the help and support you need to get thru this.

Also, your husband will not change anything he is not ready to. You have no control.
All you can do is inspire him to want better for himself and your family.

I recommend the book Codependent No More by Melodie Beatty, only because it explains how to take care of yourself and get the support you need, even if you are not codependent.

I can't recommend AlAnon as I have never been. If you find it works for you, I would love to hear what you think about it.

Dx

[LVT25]

Hi TCCT,

I was married to an alcoholic, it was a long time ago, but I remember it quite well.

1. Al anon would be a great place to go, I found some groups are "better" that others. He does not have to be in AA for you to go.....Go.

2. I would just leave him alone, let him think about it, maybe he'll get help, maybe he won't. It is out of your control, you need to take care of yourself and your children.

3. I've never seen a name given to the out-of-control binge drinker, but I recently saw an excerpt from a book that talked about alcoholism not being how often we drink, it's what happens when we do....loss of control. Made sense to me. The book BTW is called Sober for Good by Anne Fletcher.


I don't know if this is helpful or not. In all honesty, I have been on the site for almost 2 months and I've never checked in here, thinking I wasn't qualified, or it didn't pertain to me. But then again......been there, done that!

Hang in there, I know it's hard. And yes, the book "Co-Dependent No More" was my "Bible" for a very long time. If you're in a relationship with an alcoholic, you're codependent in my humble opinion. Not necessarily a bad thing, just who and how we are.

[dimbulb]

Hi...I agree with the above comments about AlAnon. It really brought so much peace into my life. Also, you will find some groups that just fit like a glove. Others that don't. I got into Al Anon 15 years ago...and my sponsor kept saying " ..., some of us are lucky...We get both programs for the price of ONE!!!" I never realized that she meant ME!!! My home group was a good solid common sense gathering....their side motto was "....take the best and leave the rest!" Most of the group was AF (alcohol free) too...anyway, in marriages like they had, who had money for alcohol. Now I have found this to be true for AA, Al Anon ...and probably this site too....some groups will fit like a glove...others will have little in common with your experience. Look around, there will be another closer than you think. Good luck Dimbulb

[copper]

TCCT--I am also new here. My 28 year old daughter is the alcoholic and also has bulimia. It's been a struggle to say the least. We tried one Alanon meeting and found it to be a joke, but I guess like the AA meetings you need to keep searching. We are insisiting our daughter attend AA if she wants to stay here for help, I know she doesn't enjoy the meetings, but we figure maybe something will click. As for your husband, I do agree with everyone else, don't push him, he has to want this for himself. I now that seems crazy becasue we are insisting our daughter go...but until she reaches out for out patient therapy, it's AA. ~Copper

[Croft]

Originally Posted by copper

TCCT--I am also new here. My 28 year old daughter is the alcoholic and also has bulimia. It's been a struggle to say the least. We tried one Alanon meeting and found it to be a joke, but I guess like the AA meetings you need to keep searching. We are insisiting our daughter attend AA if she wants to stay here for help, I know she doesn't enjoy the meetings, but we figure maybe something will click. As for your husband, I do agree with everyone else, don't push him, he has to want this for himself. I now that seems crazy becasue we are insisting our daughter go...but until she reaches out for out patient therapy, it's AA. ~Copper

Welcome Copper!!!

[marbella]

Hi Copper and welcome-

Please stick around and read our stories- it may help to realise that although we alcoholics put our families through hell, we also go through it to.

Its a dreadful affliction but lots of us here are now seeing the light at the other side of this long dark tunnel and I am sure you and your daughter will too.

[Gyco]

ive been in and out of AA for ten years now,even the book says it does not work for all,havent a clue about alanon or alateen,sometimes when one loses all they get it,like the people said you cant force him it will do no good,and yes sometimes it is wise to leave,if you stik around and here some of the stories you mite find that what hasnt happened yet could destroy your hole life this is a great site for drinkers and non drinkers welcom aboard and goood luck gyco

[Gyco]

hi tc again if you go online and look up aa big book it will give you the 4 versions of the book at no cost,if you read the 1st hundred and sixty four pages it does tell the story,if you are a christian or beleive in somthig higher then mans wisdom it is the bible written in another manner,it was written by a non beleiver and a christian,there are many means of defeating alchoholism,a person has to want to something i lerned this year in rehab think of a drinker as someone who over medicates every day after a while they havent a clue just like being put under anastesia day after day hope this helps i do feel your pain gyco