Advice re: kids ?

[diamond]

1

[tipsynomore]

I can't give you any advice, I'm afraid because I'm struggling with the same issue as you now. I'm sure my eldest son (10) knows mummy is drinking/drunk and although he hasn't actually said anything yet, I feel like he gives me 'the look' when I pour a glass of wine. I might be being paranoid, but I've been trying to decide what if anything to say to him about my problem (still haven't got it under control so I'm still the parent that can't drive him to his friends houses at night, etc....) Thanks for starting this and I look forward to hearing what others have to say...

[ducky]

I think that if you have admitted to them that you have a problem that is enough. If you involve them too much I think you parentify them, and make them feel responsible for you. They shouldn't have to worry if you turn down the beer isle, for instance. I would answer any questions they have but not involve them in discussions, like adults.

Just my two cents. Others may disagree. Sounds like you are doing well though.

[psychmommy]

Hi, I completley agree with Ducky. You've told your kids enough information so they don't feel the need to "fill in the blanks" on their own with mostly inaccurate and scary information.

Congratulations on your success! I'm still one of those moms that doesn't go anywhere in the evening as well. It's great to know someone in the same boat as myself has been successful.

[Beaches]

Diamond, my children are still young. Twins at almost 5 and a 2year old however my daughter is now picking up on the fact that I drink "wine". Not sure how she figured this out because I never told her but she did.
You ask an excellent question that I don't really know the answer too. I am hoping by the time they really figure out what's going on I will have this all under control. I wish you the best and I know it's a tough place to be.

[Mags]

Great thread diamond. My kids are older now (19 and 22) but I drank a lot when they were younger. Since I stopped drinking a few years ago, they tell me how much more fun I am to be with and how much happier I seem. They know about my history and are proud of me for turining things around.

Your kids are younger, but you should be so proud of yourself for being honest with them. They will respect you so much for being honest and for changing your life for the better.

I agree with Ducky. They don't need to be too involved in this process or they may start to feel too responsible. But continue to be honest with them and answer their questions.

You are doing great and are being a great mom.

[uda]

I agree with everything people have said here, particularly the dangers of parentifying children. When my drinking was really bad, my daughter (aged 11 then) wrote: 'Mum is crying all the time, I come home from school and I have to look after her'

She should not have to feel like that, it's not fair at all. Perhaps it's best to tell them about the problem but to make sure that they are aware that it's your problem, that you are responsible for dealing with it?

Uli

[Flip]

My girls are a little older now, but I was drinking for as long as they can remember. They have been through it all, the drunks, the sobers, the slips and the final success.

The last thing we want as parents is to raise screwed up kids, so putting too much responsibility, too early, is wrong. They also don't need more information than they can cope with.

My view through my own journey was to answer their questions, tell them what I was up to (in terms of going AF) and leave it at that. Now that I am Abs forever and the youngest is 16, she knows exactly what I (we've) been through and is a wonderful source of support. but she knows she's not responsible for me or anyone except for herself.

They also know that I need to be here just to keep on track and that it will always be something I have to be vigilant about. They also know now that they are at risk, given the genetic links and the example I set them when they were younger.

But, all that said, ultimately YOU make the decisions for YOUR kids, so do what you think is right.

F.

[divatmt]

Over the past year, my kids have "caught on" to my problem as well.
I am sooo embarrassed...It pains me to know that my kids may believe that I am not "strong enough" to put a glass down... Just the other day, my 9 year old asked if I could by her and her sister some "kids wine" (apple cider). I truly believe that I am breeding a future alcoholic!!!!

[Accountable for Me]

Welcome divatmt! Oh, yes.... the monkey-see, monkey-do syndrome. Our kids want to be just like us until they are hurt emotionally from it or they end up drinking or whatever. About a month ago my youngest, who is 2, picked a smoke out of my husband's pack and stuck it in her mouth and 'was pretending' to smoke it. I quit smoking almost two weeks ago now as this was something I didn't want her to do because I was doing it.

Do you have a game plan? Are you looking at quitting or moderating? You will find a lot of good information here on the boards. Glad you are here...