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Old 05-16-2013, 05:27 PM
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Default Do you mind if I have a drink tonight????

....is the question I hear from my husband every Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday evening. Only trouble is it turns into one full bottle followed by him falling asleep in the chair and that's it for the night.

He has a very stressful job whilst I dont work, I stay at home. He doesnt drink Monday to Wednesday but by Thursday evenng he is desperate for a drink and tonight was no different. 5.45 he walked in, opened the bottle and an hour later the bottle had gone. It wil be the same tomorrow, Saturday and Sunday.

We have had a good marriage and will celebrate 30 years this coming December but there's no doubt his drinking is affecting our relationship. Ironically, just over a year ago it was him that was worried that I was drinking too much. Yes, I was his drinking buddy (I actually started hours before he came home) and "celebrated" 1 year AF on 9th May.

My sobriety is very precious to me and although the year has not been easy, him drinking and me not, it hasnt really bothered me as much as it is now. I'm worried about the future, about whether our relationship can survive...certainly our physical relationship has deteriorated....a) he passes out and b) if he doesnt, I dont want him anywhere near me smelling of wine.

I have tried talking to him and he did try to slow down for a while (he drank 3/4 of the bottle instead) but that didnt last long. Would appreciate any advice from anyone in a similar position.....thanks.
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Last edited by Janice; 05-16-2013 at 05:37 PM..
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Old 05-18-2013, 09:22 AM
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I can quite understand how you feel, I'm not in the same position but since I sorted my drinking out my boyfriend has found he drinks a lot less. This is partly because I've developed interests that aren't compatible with drinking to excess, some of which we do together, plus we live a half hour drive from each other - if he's coming over late at night he doesn't drink and when we are together we prefer a cup of tea, cuddle and early night most of the time.

I do know unless it's the odd special occasion I don't like being near pissed people, and like you I am sensitive to the smell of alcohol on other people.

Can you find yourself something to do on the nights when he's drinking, go out and do something for you?It might make him think and if not then at least your not sat resenting.
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Old 05-20-2013, 07:07 PM
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After I quit (6 months now) I did feel very guilty at how I'd let things go and that my husband had been carrying more than his fair share at home for some time. I don't see his work as more stressful than mine but I wasn't easy to live with, to say the least, and he'd given up on me ever communicating with him properly. Deep down he was hoping for a miracle but bracing himself for the worst - in his mind that might have meant going our separate ways after twenty odd years, a terrifying prospect for a man to get his head around.

Once I realised what had been going through his mind, I just went all out to reassure him that he'd done everything right and that I still loved and wanted him. Every day I try to say something honest about my feelings towards him, drop little teases and compliments into the conversation and make an effort to listen and find out what's on his mind. Liberally offering back massages every day of the week is another popular move. If I don't feel like it I give myself a little talking to about how he deserves attention each and every day, I talk myself into it in the end, and it's a good way to enjoy physical closeness without putting any stress or pressure on him. Just a couple of ideas that are working unbelievably well for us.

When I was drinking, I could never ever leave wine in a bottle once opened and nobody could convince me to, I was in massive denial for years and nothing anyone said could make me accept the problem I was developing. You know as well as anyone you can't change him, but you can cherish him without either sobriety or alcohol getting in the way, at least that's my experience.
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Old 05-20-2013, 07:18 PM
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Perhaps it is time for counselling. We drink to ' bottle up' our feelings and often need a safe place to express them.

He is drinking during the time you should be relaxing together as a couple, being intimate and engaging. This would suggest there is something he is trying to avoid sharing with you.
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Old 05-25-2013, 01:03 AM
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My husband drinks. He always has since we first met. I started coming to mwo because I just can't keep living like this. He is not happy about losing his partner in crime. Yeah! That says it all. I don't know where we are headed. I plan to keep working mwo and taking things one day at a time. At the end of 6 months, I will reevaluate. I understand exactly what you feel. Frustration, anger, loneliness, and many negative emotions all at once. Keep pride in yourself and Don't drink with him.
Good luck.
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Old 05-28-2013, 11:07 PM
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Hi Janice. Congratulations on your 1 year sober!!! I really feel for you in this situation. I am lucky that Mr. Doggy quit his drug of choice at the same time I quit mine. I've often thought how difficult it would be for us if I had quit and he had not.

A dear friend of mine is in a similar situation to you. Her and her fiance used to drink together and she quit - the fiance didn't. It was really rocky for them for a while. My friend decided to give Al Anon a try. She said it was VERY strange at first - she felt sort of like the "enemy" since she is also alcoholic. However she tried a few different meetings and found some people who she really connected with. I just had coffee with her last weekend to hear about the wedding plans. She says Al Anon has helped her figure out her stuff and her relationship.

Whatever you decide, good luck. I hope at some point your DH chooses to stop.

DG
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Old 05-29-2013, 12:03 AM
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Janice,

Just hugs.

I have no advice since my hubby does not drink and will not allow booze in our house because of me.

I can only imagine how hard it would be for me to get or stay sober if he did.

You are amazing.

Love,
Cindi
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Old 05-31-2013, 05:46 AM
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Thanks everyone. We have since had a good talk and got things out in the open. There is no way he will stop but hopefully he's more aware of how I'm feeling. xx
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Old 06-15-2014, 01:09 AM
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reported as spam
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Old 06-15-2014, 06:13 PM
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Although Georgey Spam brought this to the surface... I wonder how Janice and her husband are doing now?

I am in a similar situation, where I quit drinking.... but I set an ultimatum with my husband that it is Booze or Me. So far, he's chosen Me, but it's been at a price. He pouted for three weeks and today he is talking to me, but we are not yet "normal", if there is such a thing.

Hugs to all!
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