I need your support

[Tryphena]

Good morning,

I have found your site today and honestly, I never thought I'd be posting on a forum like this but I have nowhere else to turn.

My partner of three years has just rung me after finishing work. Last night he flew into a rage and smashed up our bedroom. He had drunk two bottles of wine. He tried to smash the bottle on a bookcase and came at me with it, after turning our bed over. Fortunately for me, the bottle, miraculously, did not break, but I calmly said "if you come near me with that again, I'll call the police" at which point he smashed our broadband phone to bits, pulled pictures off the wall and smashed them so my upturned bed was covered in glass, and ended up running out the house. My eleven year old daughter and eight year old son were in the bedroom below ours, she was crying her eyes out... I didn't go after him, I held my daughter. He has never ever hit me, but obviously I feel it is only a matter of time. He walked 8 miles to a friends house, took him almost two hours. (no buses that time of night!). The police came, I used my mobile phone. They said I looked worn out, and like I had had enough. They are right. They went looking for him but he hid well! I didn't give them his name, he has a responsible job and I didn't want him being arrested (I'm in UK, women here don't need to press charges against their partners if the Police think they are at risk).

This is a pattern in my life. I cry every day. I'm 41 and so tired I feel 55. So onto the phone call. He has told me he is an alcoholic, he wants to go to AA, and that drinking is killing him, and he doesn't want to lose the love I give him. He is so upset this morning. Problem: I've heard it all before. Except the AA bit, which he has never mentioned before.

I am a strong woman. I do stand upto him. But I shouldn't have to. I know none of you know if he is sincere with this phonecall, but I am going off to meet him for a coffee now. I have told him that he has a choice... I, from now on, live in an alcohol free zone for the protection of my children's sanity. He accepts that. I said if he brings alcohol into the house, I would rather go to a refuge than be here with him. He is deeply ashamed that he has made me feel that way. My children love him, they told me so this morning, but they can't live like this. They say he is lovely when sober.... I know that only too well!

So can any of you offer any advice for us? I desperately want to make things work, but I don't know, even now, whether I'll be bringing him home from our meeting as I am not sure I can take anymore.

By the way, the argument broke out last night because there was a gorgeous picture of The Acropolis on the tv, and he was in the kitchen... I said "Babe, come and look at this" and he started shouting at me because television is beneath him.... Pathetic, isn't it?

[IAD]

Tryphena........at this point you need to set some ground rules for this relationship........Tell him get his act together...go to AA or something. He needs to stop drinking. He can come here, but sometimes that is'nt enough, rehab, if needed is another option. You can't continue to stay in that relationship. It is effecting you and your children. Someone is going to get hurt eventually........I'll pray for you, please make your next move soon. IAD

[Beaches]

Welcome Tryphena,
For your own sanity and the sake of your children I do hope that he is sincere this time with getting help. The violence is very scary and alarming and I so believe that neither you or your daughters need to live in that type of environment.
I think you have set good ground rules, that there will be no alcohol. I hope you realizes you are serious that he's gone if he breaks this rule.

Good for you for making this change in your life.

[Zenstyle]

Hi Tryp and Welcome!

I think you need to establish if he's serious about getting sober. Also, whose house is it? Would it be him that has to leave or you?

[startingover]

Hi Tryphena and welcome.
Does he realise he is about to lose everything very soon unless he gets help.
Sometimes I think with alcoholics that element doesnt always register until its too late.
You say that you desperately want to make things work. It has to come from him really. He is the one making things not work.
I sincerely hope he is ready to get serious help or you may need to terminate the relationship for your own sake and the sake of your children.
Take care.

[j-vo]

Hi Tryphena,
I understand that you and your children love him. Although this is the case, I think that letting him back into the house may be a risk at this point. If he's serious about being an alcholic and not being able to control it, maybe rehab would be the better option. Then you would know he's serious about getting the help he needs. Also, it would give you both the time you need apart for awhile, as well as your children. Take care.

[irish eyes]

Tryphena, Alcoholism is a baffeling, cunning, insidious disease, in short it is a disease that tells you that you dont have it, e.g. both you and your partner can very easily go into denial very quickly around it once this crisis has passed. That is why it is really important that you get support and help for yourself, dont look to him for support he has to find his own way. There is loads of help and support out there for families of Alcoholics and it is important to educate yourself as to what it is best that you can do to help you without enabling the alcoholic to continue drinking. I would urge you to go to Al Anon or call a treatment centre as they usually have programmes for families of Alcoholics. A really good starting point is a little book called Getting them Sober by Toby Rice Drew. This a very isolating and painful time for you, please remember that you are not alone. Check in here anytime and feel free to PM me if you wish.

[scrubbly]

Tryphena - and welcome.

I am so glad that you found this site and are reaching out for help in your troubled time. Please do not stop with us....there are other resources out there for both families of alcoholics AND for those who are victims of abuse. While I understand that your partner has not been physically abusive YET, abuse comes in many forms, and it does often escalate, as you have alluded to understanding in your post.

For your sake and your children's, please be strong in your resolve to set limits, stay vigilant about your needs and their needs FIRST before your partner's, and I wish you well in your road ahead.

[Tryphena]

Wow, thank you so much for your replies. How lovely of you all!

As far as getting support, I don't know where to turn. I'm in the UK, I don't even know if we have familial support here.

He has come home and is convinced he can give up. But it will be harder than I imagine. His best friends he meets for a drink once or twice a week, and he says there is no way he can meet in a pub and drink soft drinks. So he is going to avoid meeting them, but I know what a wrench that will be, his best friend has been his friend for over 20 years. For him it's going to be a case of finding new habits and associations... for example, we watch a DVD and out comes the wine, we go for a picnic and out comes the wine, he sits in the garden on a lovely evening..... you guessed it!

We went to the superstore and bought some white grape juices, and non-alcoholic wines. At the moment he is chilling out upstairs with that and his laptop. He is having trouble looking me in the eye at the moment... especially as he tore my artwork off the wall last night and that cannot be repaired. He hasn't come down to face my son since I picked him up from cricket practise. So all is a bit up in the air... I have been strong with him today, told him this is an alcohol free house now. If he doesn't like that, he'll have to go.

I can't bear the thought of having to hold my daughter who is shaking with fear ever again.... When I told him that I cried and he didn't know where to look... he is deeply ashamed, but then aren't most acoholics the day after?

Thankfully he has never been a secret drinker... because he has never acknowledged there is a problem. Is it possible an alcohol ban in the house will cause secret drinking?

[irish eyes]

Hi Tryphena
Try this -
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