need help

[wife with questions]

This is my first time on this site. I decided to try it because I need help dealing with my husbands alcoholism. I married him knowing he was a recovering alcoholic. He had been sober for a ling time. He started drinking within six months. It went from one night a week to seven by our first anniversary. In november he went to his first rehab since we have been married almost five years. He spent 30 days there. He has not done any of his after care. This morning I found his beer cans where he drank last night while i was at work. I don't think this is the first time since he has been home. I love my husband alot but his drinking effects our two minor children. How do I help him? How do I protect my children from the effects of his drinking?

[Raven.joy]

Start by talking to him about it. He needs to work out why he started drinking again and what his priorities are now.

[hippie37]

I can relate so much to your husband here wwq and through my own recovery I can too relate to your own concerns. It took me a long time to be able to walk in other people's shoes and see how my drinking had effected their lives. We alcoholics are the GREAT rationalizers of the world and in doing so we justify to ourselves our actions. I went through a treatment center here in the UK for addiction (12 step based) and learned so much about my own fears and how I'd behaved through life with my manipulating and rationalizing and justifying etc. I couldn't even see I was deluding myself because the irrational thinking I had at the time was what I believed to be rational. It runs very deep sometimes because our warped sense of reality comes from our own misfortunes in life and how we feel we've been treated unfairly in some way. Rather than take responsibility for our own lives we end up drinking and repeating the same patterns of behaviour until either we end up loosing everything or ultimately dying from alcohol abuse.

I'm not going to wrap this up in a little red bow and tell you everything will be okay because that may not be the case for some time if he's not willing to take steps to get back on the wagon. Why did he not continue with aftercare or at least attend fellowship meetings to continue the work he started in rehab? My honest opinion is that a 30 day rehab will only give you some respite from the drink and nothing else.

It was the thought of loosing contact with my own daughter that lead me to want to quit drinking but not even that could keep me sober for longer than 3 months at a time. I'll be a year sober on Monday wwq and that's because I finally realized that only I can decide whether or not I want a better life for ME. It's important that I stress the ME because unless he's willing to want to do if for himself and not anybody else he's gonna be fighting one very hard battle to stay sober. I too needed an ultimatum from my mother that if I returned to my old ways she would detach herself (with love) from me to keep her own sanity in check. Many people say alcoholism is a family illness and I totally believe that today because my drinking effected everyone around me that was close to me. My mother felt completely helpless around me not knowing from one day to the next what state I was coming home in or what I'd been taking (I also used drugs too) or whether I was coming in at all. The constant deceit and lies I told had her on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

So I can appreciate how possibly helpless you feel around your husband right now and your predicament as to what to do next. Have you tried ringing a local Al-anon in your area? They maybe able to give you some advice and support with your own feelings and emotions around your husbands drinking. Ultimately though it's down to him what he does with his life and whether he's willing to accept defeat where the drink is concerned.

Look after yourself and your kids as a number one priority though and I hope things really work out for the best for you all.

Love and Light
Phil
xx

[wife with questions]

UPDATE: I talked to my husband on thurs 1/14 after talking to people on this site. He said that he was around alcohol and that triggered his need to drink. We had a long talk. He agreed to go to his doctor to get his refills for his meds. He went on wed of the following week. He even went one step farther than i ecpected and started taking antabuse. He is still not comfortable with the counselor he has now. I told him we will work on getting one he likes.

[stirly-girly]

Hi WWQ.
Just read your post. Glad to hear that your husband has once again decided to face his problem with alcohol. Good news about the antabuse. Sounds like he really wants to get things under control. Great news for both of you. Wishing you strength and peace of mind.
Stirly