Utterly and Totally Frustrated

[ItsaNewDay]

I really need to unload and I have no one to talk to about this. My husband admitted this week that he is an alcoholic, not a really a surprise at this point. I knew he had been doing a lot of drinking recently by the stupid things he's said and done.

Of course I'm not able to keep tabs on him because I have pretty much been our sole support these past 3 years. I have been busting my butt trying to keep us in our home - I feel so betrayed. Logically I know it's not really about me - but here I am in the middle of it.

He has had his share of misfortune, alcoholic abusive father, family completely disintigrated in his early teens and no one had a place for him. He has Hep C which makes his drinking especially painful for me (I visualize his liver screaming with each drink...). About 3 years ago he developed some physical problems- lost some hand mobility due to a bonespur that was pinching a nerve 3 years ago and at the same time started developing generalized anxiety (took several months to figure out what was up and get the corrective surgery done). And his panic attackes returned witha vengeance (he'd had them before when he was much younger and was at a job where they really basically abused him).

I have fought docs for him, investigated solutions and treatment plans, made a point to learn about alternative treament options for his problems since he said he was not interested in taking the conventional stuff. He actually did try some prescription meds for depression but never found any he liked.

I have done everything I possibly could and I am tired, very very tired.

I have a problem with alcoholics and really with alcohol in general, my family was not too great either and I grew up being exposed to some mean and nasty alcoholics and my tolerence to the accompanying behaviors is very low, which he is well aware of. I am so frustrated I have been making myself sick.

I reminded him that when we met I made a point of telling him I have trust issues and that trust is one of the most important things to me in my marriage and he should be very, very careful about lying to me (not do it). I told him I did not now how much longer I could hang on and he will be needing to make a choice SOON about what is more important to him - me or the alcohol.

So once again here I am looking for help for him and he is not doing a thing... I guess the good news is at least he didn't drink today. Thank you for listening.

[goingsobermum]

Hi There,
You've come to the right place for some help for you and your husband. Why not buy the book for him to read? He could come here too. Its a big step for him to admit to you he is an alcoholic, he must know how you feel about them and hes told you hes one any way. It is just a term it doesn't mean he is mean nasty alcoholic just because of a label. The supplements would probably help him too with stopping and help support his other health issues. I guess he'll need more of your help and support for a while, but remember to take some time for your self to rest and recover. A good supplement regime may help you too.
Read lots more posts, you are on the right track
Love from Suz

[Determinatrix]

NewDay,
I know what you mean by being very very tired. It is exhausting to care about one when they do not seem to care about themselves. This type of situations really test the bonds of marriage. I wish you much luck and strength for this battle, and hope that he chooses to join you in it.
Continue to post and keep us upto date. There is so much support here.
Dx

[weemelonhead]

Hi Newday....you must be tired dear...and at your wits end. You are a caring supportive woman to give your husband such backup when it is so draining for you. Unfortunately...as you are probably realising, all the care and the support in the world comes to nothing if your husband does not want to change himself.

This is down to him...end of story....I am an alcoholic, and NOTHING my friends or family have done for the last 18-20 years of my life have changed my behaviour in ANY way, until I made the decision to stop...selfish I know, and that is addiction.....

I would agree with sobermum about maybe posting him in this direction, and then...if you can....try to let go a little and put some of all that energy you are expending into YOU...a very hard decision I am fully aware, but VERY necessary for both of you. He should be the one researching sites/meds/doctors, not you all the time. There is a difference between being supportive, and carrying someone completely to their own detriment. You say that he never found any treatments 'he liked'??...I never found any either, as if I 'liked' them, I might have had to stop drinking...so amazingly, nothing ever 'worked' for me either.

You are in an arduous and draining situation, take care of yourself sweetie...no one else will, and this is really the thoughts that your husband should be having...
I hope that you find what you both need...keep us posted....and remember, GIVE yourself a break and a lot of love...you sound like you REALLY need and deserve it

Thoughts.......weemelon

[rottrod]

weemellonhead you are right on.
It'sanewday I ditto.
After being in a similar situation years ago with my first husband I can relate to your frustration. He became abusive when he drank (mental cruelty) and had it not been for some wonderful friends in conjunction with a therapist, I may not have gotten out of it. I was suicidal, fortunately,no kids.
Ironically, twenty years later I am here at MWO needing help for this craving.

I am a happy person, have a great life with my husband of almost 6 yrs. I drink wine in the evening, 6 or so glasses and don't get abusive or obnoxious, just sleepy. But, I know that it is causing health issues for me at 49 and I'm ready to make a change. My husband is so sweet and understanding, and when I told him about this program he was so excited.

I have been fearing for the last few months that he was going to sit me down and give me an ultimatum but he didn't. I know what my choice would have been and I would have done whatever he asked because I love him and I know there will never be another like him. Fortunately it did not come to that and I found this place.

At some point in your life you have to make the best choice for you. If you aren't ok you can't take care of anyone else either. The upside is he admitted he has a problem and is therefore reaching out. Bring him here and give him some tuff love. Hopefully you will have a meeting of the minds. Order the supplements and cd's for him. See what happens. You've got a shot, so, take it. We are all behind you.

Keep posting and getting all the support from here,

Melissa

[ItsaNewDay]

Hi Everybody,

Thanks for the comments.

I am painfully aware I can't fix it for him. I bought the book and will try to get him to read it - I know I can't make him do anything he chooses not to. The "ultimatum" has been given - though it was more along the line of I love you but I can't live like this, you have a period of time to try to come to grips with this - I will help you in anyway I possibly can, but ultimately the choice is yours. I know I cannot live like this for the rest of my days and though I love you, I will not be able to stay if you cannot change. It has been going OK with the not drinking so far, but he is not addressing the whys for himself and I feel unless he does he will not be able to sustain this. But for now I will take what I can and hope that as his mind clears he will be ready for more.

Since he has Hep C, he is actually already on a lot of the recommended herbs. Have added the Kudzu too (with his consent). Most traditional Meds he should not take as most are very bad for the liver and so it seems it is for the recommended anti-craving meds.