what did I do

[lynn]

My family has nothing to do with me and it is my fault. I have messed up to many times and they lost hope. This is the worst possible thing to happen to a person with a alcohol problem. I know they hope it will prove to be the solution.. you know the tough love thing.
I know it will prove to be the solution. I just have a hard time understanding how anyone could isolate someone and expect them to be okay with that



lynn

[USAnne]

Lynn,
They are doing this because they love you, and you know that yourself because you talk about the "tough love thing."

Go into yourself, know that the answer is there in yourself. Follow the program here, talk to everyone as much as you need to. Your family is waiting for you to make the first step. You can do it, because your time has come! You are much stronger than you think.

Anne

[Artcat]

Hi Lynn,
How sad! The fact is that family get tired of empty promises & gestures. My hubby has made many,many promises & I know they mean nothing coz he doesn't have the determination to push thru. If you have the determination then, without saying anything to them GO FOR IT! Do what you have to do (treatment, meds, Jesus, excercise) and show them thru actions rather than words that you mean it!

When you feel you can't, make yourself do it! Or find someone who will 'bully' you, like a good strong sponsor who doesn't take nonsense. Then, when you do go apologise, they'll believe you coz they can see it. Find someone to lean on, to guide you but who is strong & won't accept excuses. This is what I wish my hubby had.
With luv
Artcat
"......be strong and courageous, do not tremble or be afraid, for the Lord your God is with you, where ever you go..." Some where in Joshua, OT

[charlee]

Lynn
After many empty promises, my hubby just kind of gave up..I was glad he did for a while, that constant hounding was getting very old. He was very scared for me and very sad........When I made the commitment to stop (when I was finally ready), I asked nothing. I wanted no good for you's, no whoo-hoo's......I was about to give it my all, made no promises.......it was mine to fail or succeed...Artcat is right, you can only show your family through your actions. I try to put myself in my hubby's shoes and wonder what I would do if the situation was reversed.....I don't like the answer....Do this for you, knowing you have the support of the people here at MWO....Wishing you success..

[Cinders]

Lynn,

I totally agree with what Charlee said.

You must do this for you or it simply does not work.

I get no kudos from my hubby, just relief that I am not drinking.

I get internal satisfaction from my journey, though. I have regained self-respect.

That is what matters to me most.

Good luck and wishing you much strength.

Love,
Cindi
XXXV

[bald headed old guy]

Lynn,

When our families, and spouse, have lived through so many promises, they get to the point of anything we say is just hot air. It takes some positive action, and a large commitment on our part, to show them we really mean business.

My wife had heard me say many times that I would get my drinking under control or I would stop. After I found this site, I sat her down and talked with her, I told her i did not expect her to believe me, just watch for the result. (understand that I was a nightly drinker). In a few days, after watching me go through some withdrawal, and lsitening to me talk about how I felt about alcohol and how it was affecting me, she began to become a very strong supporter. The day I took her with me to see oru family dr and talk with him aobut this program and the meds suggested, was a real ground breaker. Now, she is my strongest supporter.

But, and this has been pointed out above, you have to do this for YOU. Not for your spouse, nor your kids, nor your job, for YOU. Unless YOU want this to happen, unless YOU make the commitment, it will not work. YOU CAN do this, many people have, and you will have to make your own choice as to meds, hypnotherapy, suppliments, counseling, etc. YOU are the only one who can make the choice NOT to lift that glass again.

You have heard I am sure the old saying, no one can force me to drink, I'm a volunteer. The same works in reverse. No one can force you to quit drinking. You have to volunteer.

Well, in review, this post is perhaps a little stronger than I would normally put up! But, I think you are ready for this type of conversation. If you would like, PM me and we can talk some more.
Stay Strong!
BHOG

[nancy]

Hi Lynn

Is this your immediate family (husband and kids) or your general family?

I think you are right that the tough love model teaches isolation and that as an alcoholic this can be very painful. The worst part of this is the shame that is caused, shame that is counter-productive to recovery.

Try not to see it in a shameful way though. It's a problem a lot of people share, just do some reading on this website. I don't believe it is a disease myself but I sure do believe it is a complex psychological/behavioral disorder that causes physical disease.

How do you feel about this yourself Lynn? Perhaps what you should do is follow your family's lead for a short while. Separate yourself a bit and sort yourself out.

Find some people who are compassionate and understanding and find out why you yourself want to change. I think low self-esteem is a big part of this problem. If your family's rejection contributes to that the problem could get worse, you feel sorry for yourself drink for relief, it's all a viscious cycle.
Instead, view your family temporarily as outside the problem. they don't have it themselves after all. Work your way through it. also, it may be that you need an alternative approach to the 12step modelmost of society espouses. Maybe you will find some peace and new solutions here.

Hope you get healthy again!

Nancy

[lynn]

when ready i will post the full story


PEACE-Lynn

[Ripple]

lynn, its okay..time heals and the more you talk about things that bug you, the more you will hear you are not the only one who is having trouble. recovery is about expressing wot bothers us, if we cannot express in comfort than we must find a place that is accepting and will listen. i know things will change to good eventually...you deserve a break.