what do i do

[rebekah]

Hi all,

so my boyfriend has a major drinking problem. We've been together for around 7 months now and I know this may sound cheesy but I know in my heart that we are meant for each other, we just work. No one has ever made me feel the way he does about myself, I've only had one other boyfriend which lasted almost 8 years (i'm almost 29 now) and although I loved him it wasn't till I met up with my new boyfriend that I felt how it was to be truly loved, it was like ahh so this is how it's meant to be. He's the first person that saw the real me and made me feel worth something. I'm so terrified of losing him as I can't see myself ever finding someone which whom I'll be able to have the same connection, now I know how good it can be everything else will fade in comparison.
Now when we first hooked up he told me from day one that he had a problem with drinking, he has always been honest with me on this front. From about 14 (he is now almost 29) he has battled depression and in in tring to numb himself to that some sort of addiction. He was a heroin addict at 14-17 but he beat that on his own, then he was a speed addict again beat it on his own, moved to pot and again beat it on his own but now alcohol is his demon and it doesn't want to let him go, or maybe its just that he has nothing left to move onto. I naively believed in the beginning that if he saw that life could be good and had a strong person by his side loving him he'd want to try beat this thing and in the beginning he did. Then a couple months ago things started to go wrong, life started to get quite stressful for him which is not smething he deals with well at all, he is doing a college course that is kinda make or break for him (at least in his eyes) and as the end has been drawing near he has been getting more and more stressed and turing to the bottle more and more. On top of that his body is starting to give out on him, no doubt due to the increased level of alcolhol being poured into it and it was excessive to begin with. He is really quite sick and instead of this making him think maybe he should do something about it, it has actually tuned the other way. He has convinced himself that he is done, his body is so wrecked that he may as well just give into it all, that there is no point in even trying, he has just given up. He has made comments recently that he doesn't want to try only to end up dying anyway. This is totally killing me, if only he could see the person I can see. He hates it when I get upset by it all and cry etc, tells me that it only makes it worse and makes him hate himself more, I in turn tell him I can't help the way I feel, he then says to me that it's all ok that he is fine with it all, he's had a good run. He is just so defeatist about it I wish I could shake him, it's not even negativity, it seems to have gone beyond that. I know that he is scared to try, scared to fail, scared to suceed. I know there is nothing I can do to fix him, he has to want to do it for himself. I had pretty much decided to myself that once the course finished in a couple weeks I would tell him I think we need a break as just sitting by and watching him knowingly kill himself is in turn killing me. The thought of being without him is unfathomable at this point in my life but I know that at this point I am not helping him or myself. We had a bad night last night though, in many ways it cemented to me that I need to leave for a while but I'm now also scared to. It seems that his dad layed into him about what he is doing with his life, I can't get the full story out of him so I don't know what was said, I don' think he remembers to tell you the truth but it could have been bad or it could have been not so bad, he was drunk and so very defensive and feeling like the whole world was against him. He even said to me later that night while he was still riled up that I'm either with him or with them and lost it at me because I said all I want for him is to be happy and healthy, he took that as my siding with them. I guess the things peole are saying to him are things he already knows but is trying to deny to himself and are therefore hitting a nerve??? So anyway back to him and his father, he had stormed out and came to see me, yes he drove drunk. It was heart breaking, he was shaking and crying and all I could do was hold him. He was hating everyone and everything around him and I was the only thing he felt he had. I was so scared for him. If he didn't have me to turn to at that point I honestly don't know of he would have made it through the night. Through it all he was still instistant that his life is no longer worth living and he is not going to stop. He was drunk so I know not quite rational but I spoke to him this morning and he is still adamant that he is done for. When I talk to him I try to tell him not so much what to do, as I know that will get nowhere, but about me and how I feel and how I feel about him. He did mention that maybe after he finishes his course he will feel much better and maybe his outlook on life won't be so bleak, I can only hope this will happen but I am not holding my breath.
So what do I do, do I pull my support as the last person he feels he can turn to and let him hit rock bottom and hope he decides that dying isnt such a great option? If I thought this is what would happen I'd do it in a second, the issue I have is what if I do pull my support and he hits rock bottom and doesn't make it through. I already lost my mother to suicide I couldn't bear to lose another loved on this way. Wheher it was true or not if I left and he died I would feel responsible and I don't think I could live with that. I know I can't fix him and I know I need to take care of myself, even contemplating leaving him is a massive step for me. Mostly I would rather be with him no matter how he is than not at all, but I know that is not healthy. I'm at a total loss at what to do. I know his folks are not gonna let up on this and I greatly fear that if he doesn't have someone there for him he may just throw it all in, I know that's what my mum did. She wasn't an alcoholic but Bipolar totally different I know but it was the total feeling of complete aloneness and no hope of escape from her miserbale existance that put her over the edge, her boyfriend was a loser and unable to give her what she so needed.

Anyway for those of you who managed to get through my looooong post.

Bek

[Lotus]

Rebekah,

Whilst reading through your post, I personally felt that you want to separate from your BF albeit for a short time. Your already trying to foresee the future by saying nothing else could compare to what you have got and convincing yourself to stay.

You can't be responsible for other people's actions. It's all very well, that you want him to realise what the drink is doing to him and help, but unless he realises for himself, nothing you do will mean anything. I can understand as my husband drinks to excess and smokes pot. We did argue a lot and I just put it down to our drinking, mainly because I was been blamed by his mother for his drinking. Apparently he didn't drink until he met me. However, after being AF for 3 weeks, he is still drinking, still smoking and his mother has other reasons to justify his actions. Now I can see how the arguments were occurring.

When people drink to excess, rationality is out of the window as they feel, as you said the whole world is against them.

I cannot say to you to leave him or stay with him as ultimately that is your choice. I know how hard it is to walk away from someone you love. Maybe try talking to him when he is sober. As you said he things were fine until 2 months ago, you have a good chance of maybe getting through to him. He may be suffering from depression. You need him to see his doctor. It's good you giving him advice and helping him, but as partner's we sometimes tend to take the softly, softly approach. Doctors will give him the truth and will not beat around the bush. It may just make him realise life is for living.

However, in the end there is so much you can do. If you love him, then by all means do all you can to help him. If you are only staying with him for the fear of not ever meeting anyone or worried that you will be responsible if anything was ever to happen to him then that is the wrong reasons. A relationship cannot work on that basis.

I apologise if I have said anything wrong.

Mandy x

Mandy - you said everything right, a carefully worded, very empathetic reply to Rebekah. I couldn't add anything to what you've said, I just add my hopes and best wishes to you Bek, whatever you decide to do, I truly hope things work out okay - take care, sweetheart.

The Terror

[shitzulover]

my advice to you is try a alanon-meeting to get some support. They are all in the same boat you are. You will get alot of help there. Give it a try. Good luck, and god bless you.

[Rocky]

Wow...

Seems to me this situation needs an intervention where he agrees to go into rehab to get dry, where he can think straight and then get him involved in this program...

Best wishes for you both...

[AAthlete]

I second the advice on these posts.

Sounds like you boyfriend may be severely depressed, and he should go see his doctor. Unfortunately, I have experience with this - it was only a few short months ago that work was so overwhelming that I would go out to my car at lunch and have complete breakdowns. Words cannot begin to describe how badly I felt, and it was only after I had gone to my doctor (he prescribed some meds that helped tremendously) and attended therapy that I was able to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

There is nothing that you are going to be able to to help him - he needs to want to do it. Al-Anon would be a great place to meet people who are kindred spirits and are dealing with the same type of situation.

Best of luck to you, thoughts and prayers are headed your way....

[lushy]

Hi Rebekah, I remember when you first posted here at the beginning of January and it sounds like things are not getting better and perhaps getting even worse. I would go back and reread some of the advice given back then as well because it was good strong advice. If you have never had an issue with drinking, which as I recall you did not, it is VERY difficult to understand, and sometimes your love and companionship is not enough to fix him. Mandy had some very good words of advice as well. I wish you the best.....

[Mrs Macks]

Hey Rebekah, Hows it going ? Just wondered if you got my PM....

Lots of 's Lisa xx

[Saint Jude]

Rebekah, God girl, my heart just aches for you. There is really good advise here, I can't offer any more, just second what's here. But my thoughts and prayers are with you.

I also know how that cycle of depression can feel when you get down so low it feels like there's no way out of it, and no end in sight. I pray your boyfriend will get some help, drinking isn't the answer. It's just going to depress him more.

Please do take care of yourself sweetie, I hope he'll listen to you with all of his heart & realize what a gem you are.

Judie

[Popeye]

Rebekah

I'm so sorry.

All the advice here is sound.

For many years I have felt the way your boyfriend feels. I have only recently learned that my life is worth living. I have a lovely wife, two great children, a beautiful grand-daughter and a job. That's it! To me, that is as much as I can hope for. I have no self-esteem whatsoever. I feel sometimes, still, that if I wasn't here it wouldn't matter a jot. People would miss me....for a while, then everything would be OK. I feel I am the archetypal under-achiever. There are many people who love me deeply, yet I feel so lonely. I often feel that I am living my life for them, not for me. I'm just getting by, trying to cause the least amount of embarrassment possible. I feel selfish just thinking this way.
I find the only way to get through it, is to just get through it. Nothing that anybody says really helps in the long run, though I do appreciate their motives.
What I'm trying to say is that it's up to me to get things right in my head. I have learned to be content with what I have and who I am.
I don't know if this has helped at all Rebekah. I just wanted you to know.
Life is rarely about beautiful things, but when it is beautiful, it is soooo beautiful.
I'm sure a lot of people feel this way sometimes, or is it just me?