Do you think I can mod one day???

[Finding My Self]

Hi All....

I keep coming back to here - 91 days AF but always wanted to aim for mods.

There isn't any alcoholism in my family (unless there are big secrets and I'm thick!!). Drink has always been around and I've worked in pubs and bars over the years. I've never (I hope yet!!) thrown up from too much ahlcohol, I was never the dancing on the table bod (no judgement there; I was always in awe of such freedom!!) I never really liked 'being pissed' until the last 18 months when life got just too heavy for me.... and even then I know I drank to such an excess to get rid of the feeling of being pissed/hungover!!! I love being the way I am now...I don't really 'want' to drink but I do..... in that I don't, I really, really, don't want to be an alcoholic....but I'm scared to try and see what happens if I...... I have heard just so many stories and I never, ever want to feel like I did back last May again........aaagh! Really, I just want to stop counting and get back to living....AF or mod but not alcoholic.

I am pondering the fact that I never actually tried to stop drinking before.... I tried to cut down, you know, new special glass, only this or that, marking the half wine bottle mark and trying to stick to it, all of which seem to me that I couldn't...but I never actually tried....??! I never tried to really sort out the things that were my triggers....loneliness, boredom, fear of solo responsibility for my kids..... and on and on! I don't think (but here of course I'm not actually sure) whether I ever drank because I like boose!!! I took benzos (Vailum) too all my life to quell the 'terror of life' which has been with me since childhood..... (It didn't work in that it just made me woozy....not on it now either and don't want to be. Tried one since AF and it was horrible; I really didn't like the wobbly, pissed feeling I used to look forward to with 'relief' (????)!!!!) So just maybe, as I imagine when I think about it, I would not like that first feeling after a few sips of wine....?

So, I'm stuck with staying AF and wondering for ever if I AM an 'alcoholic' (shudder although I really don't judge anyone who is....there really are inherited genes and brain wirings going on that I accept and would be grateful to know isn't me and wouldn't 'pity' anyone with that but accept and support.....) So, yes, wondering if I am one or trying a drink (one day - not yet; quite like to reach the 100 day mark!!) and discovering that I am one or I can mod quite confortably.....? Out of the 3 methods of being I see it that 2 would be alcoholic and 1 not.... 1 real, 1 perceived and 1 not..... Sorry, REALLY trying to get my mind round this!!! I would just feel so damned pleased and proud of myself that I could live the life I used to but without the fear/boredom/lonliness that being AF for 3 months has shown me what I must do. To say yes to a drink or not. The 'illness' thing has never grabbed me; I am delighted with the 'I lost the plot and let all my self-control (way I was brought up it's OK!) drain away but now I'm back on track. Learned something and will be careful but it's OK'..................no point in shame, get up and get on with it... Does that sound really Walter Mitty-ish??

The thing is, I am writing this as I am feeling somewhat wobbly today - yesterdayI was out all day with my son at a cricket match.... I was in company all day and occupied and 'out of myself', in the sun and gratitude in my mind all day for all that was going on....I felt absolutely great. Confident and up-beat and happy. TOday, nothing on and I'm bored and lonely again and..... here's that thought of a drink....???
Nothing tempted me inot a drink yesterday even though, for the first time in weeks, we went to two different places 'for a swift half' to celebrate the win and I had juice and Coke. I still, as ever, don't want to drink in social situations becasue I am not bored, I am not lonely and I don't feel so scared about life becasue of the first two.....! (I'm a single mum at home with no job - yet! My biz folded last year and I'm still sorting that out.) Even at my worst drinking, if I was OUT I was the slowest drinker in the room - too busy yabbering away (!) and being with people....! (probably kidding myself for the last month but before...yes.)

I really want to drink when I am at home with nothing going on...... I don't seem to 'fit' any labels.... Why can I sip one drink all night when I'm out (before) or have nothing but water and laugh all night for the last three months but want to get plastered at 10 am when I'm ironing on my own in my kitchen because the day stretches out endlessly with nothing in it (and I can't always fill it - kids needs, lack of money to just go out, no car etc - bit neggy that I know...) Am I just interpreting my feelings of boredom (means I am boring I know!!) as craving just coz that's what I did iwth them so recently??

I'm sorry to ramble - I think I've got a handle on it now but I will post in case any of you guys can shed any light on this - you're

Basically I do know that I want to be able to drink if I want to drink but NEVER if I 'NEED' a drink!!! It's that old cookie I guess that you'll all smile at - I just want to be back to how I was before July 2006 when I started putting wine in my coffee cup at work during the day... because my shop was folding with no customers and I was bored, worried and on my own all day there too....

The greatest thing about MWO is that I feel it's OK (?!) to discuss this whereas at AA - no. No way Jose!! And I think I would get loads of support if I ..... but I am so scared. (More fear!) I've had so much support and care to get to 91 days - would I be hurting folk to try? I don't want to let anyone else down, especially here....

Thanks so much for getting this far if you have - oh, this is such a thing isn't it?? I just want to go out and live and not have this 'thing' trying to fill the hole... Perhpas if I cna fill this hole with life???? Has anyone done that successfuly? Does this 'thing' have to be alcoholism? (Whay a daft question! I mean, if I fill this thing with life I wont want to drink. I don't want to spend my life looking at 'not drinking' rather than living... if I don't have too that is.... Or will I...? I've lived with so many (wrong I know now) labels that I can't stand the 'ultimate' (to me)................

Love to you all - sorry to drag the place down.... And sorry it's a bit all-over-the-place; my first draft got posted and there's bts missing and jumbled up!!!

FMF x

[Last Of The Summer Wine]

Hi Footsie!

I've been a member of this happy band for quite a while and I keep posting loads of positive "I can do it" posts and then falling off the wagon with a huge thump (in fact at the moment the wagon has no wheels and the horse have bu**ered off sharpish!) I can totally relate to your feelings at the moment, I have a good job, no kids, a nice home, but when I am at home alone I am often bored and that's my danger time - like today for example! It's not that I don't have things to do - I have my house to look after, my garden, I read a lot, etc., etc., - it's just that sometimes, like right now, I don't want to do any of these things, but I do want to open a bottle of wine and "relax" - like I couldn't "relax" with a cup of tea, eh? Have your kids ever said to you "Mum, I'm hungry" and you say "Go and have an apple or an orange" and they say "Naw, I'm not hungry for an apple, I want a bag of crisps!" Well, that's how I feel ( I think ) Anyway, none of this has been in any way, shape or form helpful to you in your dilema - however, your achievement so far has been tremendous and I wish I was at the stage you are now, but at the moment I can't see any light at the end of the tunnel - except of course this ramble has meant I've spent a wee bit more time doing something else other than fighting with my inner demon over that bottle of wine - pathetic, eh My father had a huge problem with booze whereas my mother wouldn't touch the stuff - I am physically the spitting image of my Mum - unfortunately I think I've inherited the alcohol problem of my Dad. So, if anyone out there can help us both to "fill the gap" with something else (non-fattening if possible ) I'd be only too grateful for their advice.
Much love and best luck Footsie - and everyone else out there - I keep coming back to you guys and I am so grateful to able to do that at least.

[Finding My Self]

Last of - or shall I call you Summer?!?

Thanks for that - it really was helpful. It's odd, it's like 'let's play with considering it and see what comes up'....very, very, very slowly!! I want to stop obsessing about this thing. Yet stating that 'That is it, I do not drink', comes oddly (of course) when I have for so many years with no problem. I guess I'd like to be in a place where I make my own choice but feel cool enough that if were to inadvertantly pick up someone else's glass at a wedding or somewhere I don't fall apart with guilt and remorse about it but just say, OK, no prob, that was weird/good/ugh and let it go... (You may have gathered I feel guilty for existing but I'm working on it!!!) I think I got a bit AA'd in the early days and with David....! That's why I want to stop counting at some point I think.

Thanks - posting really help me sort out my brain. Sorry it has to be at the expense of other's eyes!!! Guess 'skip to the next one' could be the order of the day of course!

Good luck and see you here!

Footsie - I like that! x

[Accountable for Me]

FMF - you are doing SOOOOOOO well. Although AF or Mods is a personal thing, I applaud you for reaching 90+ days. It takes will power, and sheer determination for this type of commitment. Especially if you had just gone through the end of a relationship without drinking! AWESOME!

However, only you can decide what you want to do. I wanted to note how well you are doing - that is all.

[betty boop]

Helloooooo ........

I went for mods after 17 days AF, so you have done way better than me .....

My story was similar to yours I was drinking during the day, wine in my coffee cup etc ...

I made a promise to my family on new years eve that I would NEVER drink alone, and not to buy more than me and steve (my hubby) would share with dinner, I've slipped once but other than that I've stuck to it ...

But if you are really OK AF, then why try mods?????

[Suzanna]

FMF, You have done amazing with 91 days! I just wanted to add that congratulations with the others. Sunday is a danger day for me too. I think maybe I'll have to just go to the movies all day long to stay safe. The counting and the strategies we have to concentrate on to stay mods seems to be just so much obsessing about it, makes drinking take up way more energy and time than it is worth. Believe me I've tried numerous ways to slow myself down and not having much success. You of course need to decide what is right for you.

[Finding My Self]

Thanks for posting BB - I really appreciate it and Good on you!

I know, I know.... weird... I was thinking over the sausages, as you do, that it's just like when you want to cough in a concert...the more you try to stop it the more the tickle grows. I find the trick of saying to myself, 'go on then, cough' stops the tickle more often than not.... and looking over a high edge rather than backing away stops vertigo (a bit!).... P'raps I'm weird but I find this with the ol' booze too. For most of the 90 days, when I've felt really scared of drinking, I've thought I would succumb until I sort of 'gave in' in my mind, said to myself, go on then...and then I didn't want one....! (except around ex-David when I didn't dare try it much but I guess it worked a bit then too...)
Just seems that that way might be rather a long winded way to live life!!! (With the David thing I just knew that would be a very bad reason to have a drink so stuck it out with the help of great pals on a website I know of....!!!!)
I don't know how it will go - just 'playing with it' at the mo... Got my daughter's wedding next weekend and after six months of will I/wont I toast her with champers when water is just as good (she doesn't drink much at all and will have loads of AF drink there!) I just want to be 'present' by being truly AF for a while (tick) but not feeling really fearful about taking a big swip from my glass and finding a waitress has filled it with bubbles of the A variety when I wasn't looking (elderflower fizz and champers looking very similar!).... Too much 'One drink and you'll die' and wet your lips and you've 'gone back out there' stuff from AA I think... Water doesn't worry me at all it's just this almost having no choice thing... (Don't really like champagne anyway!!)
Don't know - might understand one day and I hope and pray it wont be when I'm lying flat on my back thinking, Oh God, they were right!!!!
Thanks for suffering my rambles here today - it's helped clarify a lot and I feel heaps better than I did at lunchtime! (And the seance is a real larf BB!!!)

Love
F x

[Finding My Self]

Thanks Suzanna - hello, don't think we've met or am I being rude!?!?
I'm so grateful for everyone's patience with me over this....just feel I am still piddling about until I get to grips with this question.... But, you know, tomorrow's another day and I intend to feel good and not obsessing! (I do get really scared about what'll happen when the old illnesses strike...I think I'll become a senior member over night!!)
Love
F x

[Java]

It took me a long time to determine if I would Mod...over 7 months AF, I finally decided to try it. It has been about 2 weeks now since I had my first test, and to be honest, I have been okay. There has been a fleeting thought here and there about wanting that buzz...but no hopelessness like I had before, and I have yet to go overboard. I have had a drink on a few occasion, and I am very proud that I could just be done after one or two, and not be freaking out in my mind over it. The best advice I can give, is donlt try it, until you can go a whole month without having a major urge...I waited until alcohol was not in my head all the time. Hoep that helps, I agree though....if you are concerned abotu going overboard, wait until you are sure you wont.

[Finding My Self]

Java - thank you. That's really helpful too. A very good thing to remember. I really wish you the very best in your 'mod-ing'. Keep us posted!!!
Love
F x