Mod Squad Febuary Thread!

[letgolaughing]

hi y'all....i managed only one beer and half a glass of wine last night and that actually felt excessive. wow. so, i'll probably have 2 tonight, but i plan on being AF tomorrow night.

sun...your comment about how you're sorry my brain worries so much was so sweet. really touched me...
sara - yes, i was dx with ocd. i don't do the typical check to see if i turned off the iron type of stuff, but i do have obsessive compulsive worry. i was on an anti-depressant for a while, but got off to get pg with my child. it was hell going off of it, and unless i am unable to function, i won't get on one again. i have learned many coping skills, and actually i do pretty well. i have episodes where i will obsess, especially about health stuff(the breast cancer i had 7 years ago kinda sparked that one)but, it's not a constant thing anymore. i have some xanax to stop the cycle if i need to.

maia - sorry you are feeling bad for last night. you are doing great. one night in the scheme of all your AF days prior is just a blip. continue on...

hope all of you are having a great weekend...
xo

[Sunbeam]

Vlad, I am so sorry that I missed your very important point that you are also in this for good - that's wonderful. Your message was off the screen by the time I responded, so my memory missed that point. We are together in the same place, and will be better able to support each other.

LetGo, my sister has issues, and I do a lot of listening. So I'm happy to be able to do that for you, though I may not respond each time.

Take care, all. I'm, watching the Olympics Opening Ceremony. So sad about the athlete who lost his life already.

[Sarasmiles]

Hi All,
Maia, hope you're feeling better today...And hello to everyone.

I broke my AF streak of 12 days by having two glasses of wine last night. The amount doesn't bother me, but the attitude I had does. Eve sent me a fabulous post from WIP about the problem of thinking "I deserve a drink". Well, that's what I was thinking, and I do think that's a problem. For me, it's all about the psychology behind it...more so even than the number of drinks. I drank because I was in a bad mood, wanted to relax, and was tired of trying to find other ways to do it. I rationalized it in all kinds of ways, but the truth is I was looking to cheer up and lighten up. It worked for about thirty minutes, and then I started to feel melancholy, guilty for the misuse, and regretful. UGH!!! It would be easy to say "it was only two drinks....big deal". (And I am pleased that I didn't go on to have more, even when Hubby took us out for Chinese and ordered a mai tai. (sp?) ) But the point is I drank under negative conditions. It was not "oh we're out with friends and I'll have one or two for fun". It was "I've got to do something about this mood. I can't stand it anymore. I deserve a drink" STUPID.

So, AF today, and I haven't decided about V day.

Take care everyone.
Sara

[Eve11]

Sara,
I sent you a p.m. WIP's article was fabulous but remember it was designed for folks who are working hard trying to abstain not moderate and that's a big difference.

So, I went out and enjoyed two glasses of wine (as a moderator who didn't drink all week) last night and I don't feel bad about that choice at all. You on the other hand were having a hard day - you've been AF for 12 days and you felt you needed a couple of drinks to unwind and relax. And you kept it at reasonable moderating limits...only 2 and then you didn't have anymore when you had dinner with hubby later. Well, good for you!

I say, quit beating yourself up and have a fabulous day. I know you're not hung over with just having 2 drinks early in the evening so it will be easy to make it a great day!!

There certainly were great things in WIP's article to keep in mind to help you not go over moderating limits but remember the article was specifically geared for folks struggling to go AF who are choosing to NEVER have a drink so everything from it can't be applied to moderators. There's where you're allowing it to trouble you so change the thought!


Eve11

[Sunbeam]

Hi Eve and Sara,
I have a different perspective on that notion of deserving a drink: I think it is unsound thinking, even for a person who drinks moderately. If you go down that road, you can always find a reason why you deserve a drink. Right now, I deserve a drink because I just trimmed the dogs toenails for the first time, though I had tried several previous times. It took well over an hour, as I desensitized her to the new tool, developed some new strategies. But I'm not chosing to have a drink, there are many other tasks I need to get done today. When I have a drink, it is always because I choose to have one to celebrate an occasion, or to socialize. This thinking works for me, but we are all different.

[Eve11]

Originally Posted by Sunbeam

When I have a drink, it is always because I choose to have one to celebrate an occasion, or to socialize.

Sunbeam,
If I'm correct you're saying you don't ever like to think that you're having a drink because you "deserve" it but because you choose to have one on a special occasion.

I guess I'm not sure if we're just getting hung up on the semantics with the "I deserve it." thinking.

To clarify for others I'm going to cut and paste Work In Progress (WIP's) article. I do like what she wrote but I'm choosing to try to lead my life as a moderator of drinking. If I were completely trying to abstain then I agree 100% with what she's written. But as someone who is learning to enjoy 2-5 drinks a week I'm having trouble giving up the "I deserve it" thinking. I have to be honest and say that I feel like I do deserve it and it is a reward after a week of total sobriety. I enjoy that fine wine or two on a Friday and/or Saturday night. And if I could drink at home and chose instead to enjoy my wine because it calmed me after a rough day (like Sara did) I personally don't see that as being any different than me going out to dinner and enjoying my wine with my meal and conversation with hubby.

Anyway, good to share our thoughts and opinions. I mean, I really do like WIP's thinking of getting out of the "I deserve it" mode but once again, feel that's the lingo that abstainers need to wrap their brains around. Not sure I can. Here's her wonderful article and it will be good for newbies to read as well. Especially anyone struggling with modding versus abstaining. Very good info here.

Do You "Deserve" a Drink, Today?

I can't count the number of times I have seen someone come here and write a post in which s/he says that s/he has relapsed, or "slipped," because s/he had been doing well for a while, and decided that s/he "deserved" a drink.

And our alcoholic thinking does this to us. It totally bypasses the memory of the devastation, humiliation, and destruction that alcohol has brought into our lives, and it presents alcohol as a GOOD thing, a prize, a reward, something we want to give ourselves for a job well done.

I don't think we can begin to truly grow into a successful, lifetime, AF plan until we have managed to make the shift in our thinking from the "Deprivation Mode" to the "Gratitude Mode."

In Deprivation Mode, we think alcohol is a good thing that we are being deprived of. We are sad, and grieve the loss of what had felt like a friend to us. We consider it a treat that we never get to give ourselves again. We are envious of others who "get to drink."

In Gratitude Mode, we recognize that alcohol is (for us, because of our brain structure, genetics, physiology, etc.) a toxin, a poison, something that nearly destroyed us. Mentally, physically, and spiritually. We recognize that we have the most amazing opportunity to rid ourselves of something that makes us very sick in all those ways. We recognize the craziness of voluntarily damaging our brains, minds, bodies, families, jobs, futures. We are really, really grateful for that opportunity, and we guard it and cultivate it carefully.

Most of us start a recovery program in deprivation mode. Some people stay there forever. Those people tend not to be able to create a consistently successful program, or life, of freedom from alcohol and its devastation. Some of us transition into gratitude mode.

For most of us, Gratitude Mode does not just happen all by itself. We have to make it happen. If we want to shift into gratitude mode, we learn to cultivate it. We cultivate it by being careful about our thoughts, and about what we notice. If we find ourselves thinking about how wonderful it would be to have a drink, we deliberately shift attention away from this train of thought, and we deliberately choose to think about how good it is to know we will never humiliate ourselves with alcohol again, never again have another horrible hangover, never disappoint our children again with the way we are when we get drunk. We notice alcohol advertising, pay attention to how it makes us feel, and detach from the message by noticing how distorted the message is.

That kind of thing is crucial. We literally can BUILD a new way of thinking and feeling about things. And I think that's something to be grateful for, in itself!

wip

__________________

Eve11
Addendum: I wanted to add that there does need to be a balance and I understand Sunbeam that you're saying that. If we go around with out of control "I deserve a drink" thinking we can think we need a drink for the most foolish of reasons (as in your story about the dog's paws). So, I get that. Thanks for your input and getting our brains churning. :-)

[Sunbeam]

Yup, I think it is just good food for thought. WIP's post really helped me answer my personal question, Why drink? I used to drink for those other reasons, but it didn't improve my life, it just took away from my life..

[letgolaughing]

i get it. i agree that the article seems geared toward abstainers and not moderators. however, i too agree that i don't want to think i "deserve" a drink because I didn't drink the night before. ya know? although, i do think that I might reward myself with a glass of wine occasionally. Ok so, i can't say it as eloquently as eve did...so i'll say "yeah, what she said"

[Maia]

Sara,

I think you did great. You only two drinks, to me that would be success. I also understand why you would feel bad for choosing the wring reason or moment to drink, still, having only two drinks is something good, especially because you had the opportunity to have another one when you went to the restaurant and you chose not to!!

By the way, I agree with Sunbeam that we shouldnt be rewarding ourselves with drinks, but atbthe same time I would be very happy after a estressful day to be able to have a glass of wine to relax while I take a bath or I talk to my hubby. I think the idea is ok if that glass wasnt followed by rest of the botle!! The problem is that I am still learning to control myself and I am not there yet so I have to first learn to stick to special and social occasions before I attempt to have that glass by myself (maybe I will never be able to that)

Letgo and Eve, im glad you are doing great.It really is an amazing feeling knowing you are in control!

We celebrated valentine's last night as our nany couldnt come tonight. We went to a very nice restaurant. I had a glass of champaigne as we waited for our table (it hasnt part of the plan) and then we shared a botle of wine. I had two glasses and was actually able to tell him "no, thank you" when he tried to pour more after my second glass. I know I said that I was only having two for valentine's, but it didnt feel bad. We were enjoying our night out, we had great food, and for some weird reason I didnt feel the urge of having more after we left the restaurant.

It is pretty cold here in Miami (for our standards), 60 degrees now, but sunny and beautiful so I think we are going to get our bikes and have some fun with the kids!

Happy Valentine's everyone!!

[Sunbeam]

Hey Maia,
We are going to Clearwater Beach tomorrow, so I will be in your state, enjoying warmer weather until Friday.