Where are the moderators??

[Croft]

I am just reading this post. Not sure why I have not read it earlier. I hate to say this, but I have had some pretty bad experiences on this site where MWO members have told me that it is impossible to moderate. They pretty much told me I was being stupid for trying and that I should give me. And not just one or two, but several. Lucky for me I am a stubborn little thing and refused to listen to them. I believe in moderation. I believe in the possibility of having a healthy relationship with AL restored. I am getting closer to that goal.

It worries me that I had those experiences as I am sure that I am not the only one. I hope others have been just as stubborn as I and can find their way to moderation happiness as well. I could not be happier right now.

[janedunn26]

Wow, what a great thread. I am new here. I am only 21 days AF and am going for 30 and then planning to mod. My initial plans were to mod and those plans were reinforced after reading the book. I was very inspired and encouraged initially. Then, after my first week, I felt sooo great and read many threads stating that most people cannot. I assume that is probably true for many individuals. I am hoping and feel optimistic that I can moderate and am certainly going to try. I plan on being in the moderating forums frequently to gain inspiration from your experiences and successes...... and, of course, occasional slips.
Thanks for starting this thread.

jane

[LVT25]

Hi guys,

I've kinda backed away from threads that are obviously for the abstainers. I was told by someone that it's hard to see the posts from people that drink in moderation cause they can't. When I do post something I don't usually bring up that I moderate.

The book is all about moderation. I don't think anyone should judge one way or the other. It's going to happen though, and I try to take what I need and leave the rest, and hopefully something I say will actually help someone else.

I think (and am convinced after being here) there are various degrees of alcoholism. I'm pretty sure now I'm not as bad as I thought I was. My true addiction was the cigarettes. I have had alcohol with my smokes for so very long, that without the cigarettes, the beer just isn't as good.

Anyway, we moderators can always stick together!!!

[cowgal]

I have successfully moderated in the past, then gone ahead and blown it too.....................for no good reason at all, not angry, not drinking on an empty stomach, not pms-ing.................just have no clue as to some times I am fine w/ 2 beers then others I wake up the next day and start the roll all over again, to the point of maybe losing my job, so I am steering clear for awhile, actually all of last week (well, 3 or 4 days anyway) I had 2 beers and was fine, so now I am making myself more confused on the situation............

Good topic though!!

love,

MA

[Lizzieloca]

Hi Moders,

i am new here. i am 33 and i have been an alcoholic for 12 years. my husband of 9 years is also an alcoholic. for the past 7 years i have been drinking a bottle or two of wine a night. we have been trying to quit drinking for 7 yrs. recently with the help of this site i got 10 days AF. since then i have been trying to moderate but i am not sure how to do it. it seems i cannot stop after one or two drinks.

how do people moderate? any suggestions?

peace and love,
lizzie

[Sunbeam]

I went AF for over two months. Prior to that I was a weekly binge drinker. Some days I did not drink at all, some days I just had a couple of glasses, but weekly I would find myself on yet another binge. I tried quitting and cutting back in the past, but it never worked.

Since then I have had two glasses of wine on two occasions. I haven't wanted more than that, and I don't want to drink more frequently than I have becasue I fear I will increase. I'm not currently taking meds or supplements, and don't want to. This is just my experience, for what it is worth. Maybe I would be considered a flexible abstainer. Is that like not joining a political party???

[LVT25]

Hi Lizzie--saw your post in other thread, but didn't want to leave you hanging here. I think everyone should start with the book and go from there. It is a really good read. Most recommend a few weeks af before trying to moderate. The hypnosis cd's are a key ingredient also!

[Bookish]

I AM A SUCCESSFUL MODERATOR and have been for a couple of years.

It's never perfect and you have to keep an eye on the beast in your brain. It will sneak out from time to time and sometimes it's hard to put it back in the cage. There are times when I get darn tired of fighting with it and would like the peace of abs, but that is not how my life is setup. My hubby, family and friends all drink and I am not interested in changing all that to be ABs.

I go long periods of successful mods and tend to drop off the site for a while and then it is time to come back for a check in.

All I can say is thank goodness for MWO.

[out]

I posted this in another thread, but thought it might be better here...

I think most of the people who come to this site come to abstain or decided to abstain after their own struggles led them to the conclusion it was best for them. While I think it is a personal journey...we don't all drink or not drink for the same reasons, but I do belive that our social groups influence our thinking, our behavior and out beliefs in what we think is possible and I wonder why so many people who have chosen to abstain come to a monthly moderation thread to talk about how they couldn't moderate? This sounds a bit bitchy and perhaps it is, but it is important to say because it is about the level of support and possibility of options that we allow each here and that really doesn't support the person trying to mod to realize their own chosen goals. In my opinion this is more appropriately placed in General Discussion or The Abstinence threads than here. It is not wrong to speak your mind, but I do think in this area it is not supportive or helpful really. I support anyone here in meeting THEIR OWN goals and I will not imply what your goals should be or what your behavior says about who you are. It is why I personally can not go for AA, because I refuse to believe this is about who I am or what I am or am not capable of, but about what I do sometimes.

When someone is trying to abstain and they slip up, have a bender whatever, even if they do it repeatedly. No one tells them "gee, that just proves you can't abstain". We all say, tomorrow is another day and get back up and try again, but when someone slips when they are trying to mod, there are lots of people to say or imply that that proves you can't do it. Or to feel compelled to say that they couldn't and most people can't...this is a decidely unfair double standard.

You may try to mod unsuccesfully for a while and then get it as you get your legs about your triggers etc, you may abstain now and mod later or you can abstain it is up to you, but I think that if enough people say or imply that something isn't possible it will effect your beliefs too. In almost everything I have read about it a large part about those who are able to moderate is the belief that it is possible.

There is a good book, out of print now, but you can still get it at Amazon, The Art of Moderation: An Alternative to Alcoholism by John Michael, John M. Price, and Sharon Jones.
John was an on again off again abstainer, binger in and out of AA, until he rejected the idea that he had to be one thing or another and assesed his values and internal and external life until he could moderate. It took time and effort, but he did it and is free.

I have had periods of moderation, abstinence and binge drinking alternately throughout my life and I am still figuring things out for myself. One thing I have figured out is that just abstaining has not been that helpful to me, because I haven't really used that time to think about my relationship with AL or to deal with the emotional problems that have led me to lean on AL in the first place. Right now I am doing a period of abstinence where I am going to work on these things, and then mod later. I think this is key.

For anyone who is trying to moderate their use. Good for you, you are taking steps to improve your life! I support you!! Stay strong tomorrow is another day for moderation, for being on the fence, for learning from our slips, for picking flowers, for picking your nose. It is all about what you want to do.

We need positive messages and suceess stories about moderation. Success breeds success. I am so apprriciative of the success stories that I read here. I also think it is true what someone else posted that sometimes when people mod or manage their use they leave the site. So if you are someone thinking of leaving the site, please stay and post some suggestions! I do not believe that most people can't moderate...please don't take this personally, if you found you can't or think you can't and that is what works for you I am happy for you, but people who trying to mod don't need it reiterated over and over again we need loads of support because we are told constantly by dysfunctional addictions treatment cults and everywhere in the media and on the internet that what we are trying to do isn't possible..I say hooey, hooey to that.

Good luck to all in meeting their own goals.

[boozehag]

Hi all
Yes I agree modders do seem to be in no mans land a bit on this site - there is not much action on the modders threads and it may not always be appropriate or appreciated for modders to post on the AF threads. There is plenty of support for those starting out and for those on their AF days journey but not much support or encouragement for modders and for those starting out who ultimately have modding as their goal. People are very quick to tell anyone who expresses an interest in modding that it is mostly not possible but surely someone also needs to also tell them that it is actually possible after all RJ and plenty of the rest of us have managed it. I am coming up to 6 month on this site and have been AF for 3 and modding for 3 of those months and I am deleriously happy feel with my progress and the results of this program which have taken me from full on binge drinker and smoker to a non smoker and moderate drinker.
BH