500 days of xtexan...

[xtexan]

Hi everyone:

It’s a Saturday night as I write this, and planning on posting it Sunday. My 500th day of being AF. AF is MWO shorthand for “alcohol-free”. There is a big difference between being alcohol-free, and having freedom from alcohol I have found. I guess those in AA call being one, and not the other being “dry-drunk”.

A few thoughts at 500 days. For one, it’s halfway to a 1000. It’s not a contest, and it’s not a badge. I believe that someone could have more freedom from alcohol at 10 days sober, than someone could at 5 years sober. This however, is the longest I have gone without a drink since I was 15 years old. I’m 50 now, and the road ahead looks rough, but I feel ready to ride it.

I went 4 months without a drink when I was 31 or 32. That was the longest I ever made it before now. There were lots of times when I could go a month, or two. I even tried “moderating” at 2,3,4, 5, or 6 drinks before stopping. Sometimes I could pull it off for a while. It never lasted very long. I was using GABA, glutamine, kudzu, exercise, meditation, and a lot of other things before some of you younger ones were even born. I’ve been working on this thing a long time. When I found this website, I was amazed that a lot of things I had found on my own, were combined into the MWO program (with the exception of the topamax). So it seemed a natural for me, that my own search and research and experimentation had so closely paralleled R.J.’s program. I had gone 9 months AF on my own, with no support whatsoever, before I found MWO.

A crisis at the nine-month point threatened to break my resolve. In desperation, after a couple of days web search, I found the MWO forum, and decided to immediately become a member and post. I was surprised by the number who respected my time AF up to that point, and I felt a real need to share some of my other discoveries and methods. I need to share these things, because it keeps me sane and sober and clear on my purpose. A purpose of becoming truly free of alcohol for the rest of my life. My purpose is to reconstruct and repair those things, which led me to my self-destructions. It’s the determined resurrection of my body, mind, emotions, and spirit.

Many wrote to me of their admiration for my time without a drink, especially after having spent so many years with my nose stuck in a can, bottle, or glass of booze. This was, and is the greatest of encouragement. Remember, I too was at the one-day, three-day, and 30-day points myself. It’s like at every step of the way, the fear of falling back into the abyss is still there. I still fear it even today. Maybe that fear is what is keeping me going for now, but at some point, it will have to be dealt with.

The outwardly visible parts of my journey to sobriety are evident. Nutritional supplements, exercise cross-training, meditation, and all those things I listed in my post “xtexans program outline” are those materials and processes to aid in the transformation. The MWO program itself is a roadmap to transformation. But it is not the transformation in and of itself.

The transformation, or transcendence (I like that word a lot better) is the change from within. Tight fisted, white-knuckle determination is part of getting there. But it is not the transcendence. You want 500 days AF? All I can say is that it has been one hell of a bloody exhausting fight to get here.

I won’t lie to you. It won’t do anyone any good. There have been more days over the last 500 I wanted to give up, cry, curl-up in bed and die than there have been good days. I don’t post much about the bad days, because you all know them too well. When I have a good day, and a rush of clarity, then I feel an intense need to write about it. Right now, I’m having crippling issues with anxiety and depression that I never knew when I was drinking. But, by God, I am going to keep fighting, and doing whatever it takes. All of you beautiful folks out there in MWO land have helped me get here.

I now have a crystal clear perception of things compared to where I was, and it seems awfully oppressive many times. This is what it is to be sober. The brain and body are healing. My senses having become sharper, and my thoughts quicker, is often a flood of terrible reality. Yes, I know those things that drive us back to the booze for relief. I still deal with them everyday. But it’s like riding a bike over rough ground. I’m getting better and better at learning to keep my balance over the rocks and ruts. Is this to say I won’t hit a major ditch and come crashing down? No guarantee there. Everything I read about this booze thing, says that my odds of crashing at sometime are pretty high. But I have learned quite a few things about slowing down in time to avoid the crash. Been there, done that. I see many of you post about it all the time. Feeling good and confident, and we start going too fast, and then BOOM! It has me terrified of ever trying to become happy ever again. But I will get it somehow, some way. At least this time, my physical health is now top notch. Haven’t been sick with a cold or flu since I started back in December 2005. That’s amazing in and of itself.

I believe each and every one of you have it in you. The fact that you are here reading this, and down this far in my post is testament to your willingness to stick with it and find out what another suffering wretch like me has gone through, even if to pick out just a tidbit that can help.

So today, I go forward. I’ve been reading a book today called “From Panic to Power” about dealing with anxiety. I got a new CD called “Theta Meditation System”. Everyday, I try to do at least something to stay alive. To heal a bit more. To grow a bit more. I’ve been taking a new mineral supplement, lithium orotate, and the jury is still out on that, but it seems to take a bit of the edge off of the wild thoughts that plague my scrambled brains. Everyday, I do at least something. Most days, I do a multitude of things. I am still terrified of crashing into relapse, because I don’t want to die before my time because of booze.

500 days is only half-way to a 1000. Free of alcohol desire is all the way to where I want to be. I still have so far to go.....

That’s as honest as I can be.

Be well.

Neil

[Monica]

500 days? That's pretty amazing stuff. Enjoyed reading your post, Xtexan. I'd already read your recent post about all the things you'd used to distract yourself - sports, supplements, exercise, disciplines, philosophies etc. They comprised a pretty extensive list. Now I understand how you had time to do/try them all - 500 days is 16 mths or so, after all! Well done, that man - you're an inspiration to us all.

[Flip]

Thank you for sharing Ex.
My Love to you for everything you were and everything you are now

[SKendall]

Xtexan, you are an amazing and shining example of the mwo program. This thread should be bumped up on a weekly basis for newcomers and existing members.

You have worked so hard and been so successful because you wanted sobriety at any cost. As others can attest that 9 month mark is very slippery and you made it. It's almost like a difficult pregnancy where a newborn can emerge!

Both you and your sister have made a very accomplished effort in your sobriety. You both must have experienced difficult childhoods.

Thank you Neil, and be well, as you are.

Hilary

[Keepon!!!!]

Dear xtexan, I really enjoyed reading what you had to say i feel happiness inside for you you are a perfect example of how things can be for us all well done!!!!! xxxxxxx

[pixie]

Xtexan, thank you so much for that. I get something out of every single one of your posts. Congratulations on 500 days. My thoughts are with you on finding a solution to the anxiety and depression.

pixie

[Arial]

Dear Neil,

First of all, many congratulations on reaching 500 days - that in itself is something to be proud of, even more so in that the first 9 months were achieved on your own - a true inspiration to the rest of us trying to follow your example.

Secondly, once again thank you for your honesty and sharing your insights. This, along with Julia's struggle after being 3 years AF is a serious confirmation or reminder that this battle is a daily one - a life-long commitment to the change in our lives we want if, as you say, we want to live and lead a full life. It is easy to get complacent at times and it is good to remind ourselves of the risk of falling back, the temptation of the 'just one' after several months of AF. I know, for me, the just one would pretty quickly return everything to the way it was before which is why I'm looking at a life of freedom from alcohol - I like the distinction between that and AF. I know I have a long way to go, but thanks to this program and wonderful people here, feel at least I have a chance.

So thanks, Neil, for your reflections - your contributions to these forums are an invaluable support. I wish you continued success on your journey to finding the freedom from alcohol that is your dream, your future...

Warmest wishes,

[paula]

Xtexan you are amazing,such an inspiration
Best wishes.

[lushy]

As always Neil, you inspire the hell out of me. Thanks for being here!!

[Popeye]

Thanks Neil.