On being reclusive

[Prodigal Son]

Hi everyone. I haven't posted much in a while. I'm almost 20 months not one drop, so to speak. My journey has been one of self rediscovery, after having neglected it for many years. The good thing is I have gotten to know & accept my true nature for what it really is. I am an independent reclusive person. I'm also a family man, so I'm surrounded my family most of the time, & I like that. But when I have some down times I enjoy my own company, thinking, communing with nature & quiet times at home. What bugs me is I am constantly being invited to parties & all manner of social events. Really I find such situations incredibly draining & stressful. Understand this is how I really am & I'm quite OK with it. But my question is how can I be politely honest with folk who extend invitations to me without offending them or having to air out my dirty laundry? It goes without saying that I used to drink to put me at ease & cover up this side of me when going out.

[Cinders]

ProdigalSon,

My hubby is just like you. He enjoys the people he works with, he loves his family. He does not like to go to parties and mingle, etc.

He'd rather stay home and work on his property, work on his computers, play music and just be home.

He does not and has never had a drink problem except when others around him drink. He hates drunken behavior. (Lucky for him he married a drunk. )

He just continues to make up reasons he can't go here or there. His true friends know his nature and accept it. He is a good man.

Occasionally he will go to someone's party, or an office do, but we go late and leave early.

It is good you are finding the real you. Don't force yourself to be someone you aren't. As you know, that can lead back to medicating to make it better.

Cindi

[redhibiscus]

Prodigal son, I appreciate your need for alone time. I too have to have my alone time and with work and other responsibilities, like to stay home the majority of my time off, and don't need alot of activity. I don't see a need to apologize, just say you have other plans. And you do, they just happen to be with yourself. I think part of staying sober is learning to take care of ourselves.

Another thought, it seems that society or the media or whatever, values being busy, busy, busy, going out constantly, partying, being in large groups, etc. We are successful if we have a large group of friends, are on the go, always at a huge gathering, traveling to exotic places, and being loud. It is true we need to interact with others but where is the time for contemplation, quiet, simplicity, just being. We have to do this for ourselves and must if that is our nature. I am not saying it is bad to be busy, but some of us are made differently and have to have that quiet time alone with ourselves and our God.

Just my thoughts and congrats on the 20 months AF.

[Doggygirl]

PS - congrats on 20 months sober! That is an awesome accomplishment.

I'm starting to think it must be fairly common, for some reason, that us problem drinkers also have a problem with saying "yes" and "no" to requests / invitations. I know I do, and it's something I'm working on.

I realized that many times I will say "yes" to something I would really rather not do, and then feel bad because I either do it with resentment, or I fanagle my way out of it (usually with a lie) and then feel guilty about that.

I am really working on understanding that I really DON'T have much obligation to anyone other than myself and my immediate family. I try to only say "yes" if I can do that whole heartedly and follow through without resentment. I am REALLY working on saying "no" and remembering it's a simple two letter word. I am not obligated to explain myself if I turn down a party invitation. "I can't make it" is enough.

I feel your pain - I too am much happier doing things I enjoy doing in the peace and quiet of my life. I will be glad when I have better mastery of the Guilt Free No!!!

Not sure this helps - but just letting you know that you are not alone!

DG

[Prodigal Son]

Thanks for the suggestions, support & encouragement, guys. This forum got me started, & I don't feel so isolated when I come here. It feels good to share this situation, which apparently is not unique. Conversations are going nicely, then someone says, "what are you doing Saturday night?" then I think to myself "why are you doing this to me?" A Saturday night alone on the deck watching the full moon & drinking green tea is what I would much prefer. Most long term friends innately understand & respect my wishes, but there are the others that get their back up about it. It's the people who don't know me as well that play on my guilty conscience. So there must be an art to saying the perfect "No", DG. If they don't like it - too bad.

Like Redhibiscus outlines, I prefer to listen to the silence instead of the noise. This is where I find the best ideas, positive stuff & reflection that I need to keep myself balanced.

Cinders, your man sounds like an alright guy!

[Marshy]

Originally Posted by Cinders

Don't force yourself to be someone you aren't. As you know, that can lead back to medicating to make it better.

Wise words, Cindi.

Prodigal - I can't add to the advice, but hope you find a good solution.

[mollyka]

Prodigal i know what you mean, I love and have always loved my own company, my problem is my husband likes socialising but wants to do it with me and then I do feel guilty cos I am curtailing him, our social life revolves around the pub and I just find that intolerable. As for other people I've no problem making up excuses not to go out but I do feel sorry for him not sure that helps at all just my tuppence worth!

[peacenik]

when i get invited to shindigs, i take into account who it is and who will be there. i too, am a solitary animal, and prefer being alone. if the company is mellow and i can count on some good enlightening conversation, i will say that i can probably make it (then if i don't, noone feels too bad). i usually say i'll get back to you, and if i don't feel like it, i call back with a "sorry, i have other plans" or a more honest answer of "i really don't feel like being social, thanks anyway".
i find alot of people appreciate honesty about stuff like that. half the time, i think people are doing all this stuff that they really don't want to be doing and inherently understand needing alone time.

[hiddengoal]

There is something here in what you say for many of us...being true to yourself. Nice follow through on the discovery.

[Prodigal Son]

Peacenik, you have a good approach to this issue. I will remember your words.

Honesty is the key to being true to yourself. How about "Thank you for thinking of me, but I'm afraid I'm not a social animal"