Desert Sandstorms...

[xtexan]

Hello everyone:

Whew! Talk about another storm.

Something new is arising from within. Something different.

The past couple of months of sobriety have seen me wandering through another period of depressed confusion. I have gone through the storm waves before. They’re ones that happen at intervals. Those of you who have several months under your belt know what I’m talking about. A surge of emotional turbulence, and the drinking monster comes and goads you. Sometimes it is strange sensations, many unpleasant and irritating.

There have been thunderstorms, and light rain showers. There was a hurricane at 9 months. There have been a few short lived tornados. An earthquake or two. These are the best ways I can find to describe what I’ve gone through the last year and a half.

The last couple of months have been a desert sandstorm. It’s one where I could not see my hand in front of my face. I have not posted so much the last couple of months, because this sand storm has put the binders on any clear thinking. I went through at least one surge of drinking desire that lasted a few hours, but nothing that has not been handled before, and conquered. No, this last one has been wandering around in circles, with no reference anywhere. Confusion most of the time. I read that these things are to be expected during the second year of the sober life.

So today, the sand cleared a bit. I had new reference points and a weird new clarity. Hopefully this storm is abating. It’s been a long one, and longer than any one yet since I began this journey. However, the clarity that peeked at me today is new and vivid.

Nothing much new on the program tools route to account for it. I have been letting up on the supplements for days at a time. The exercise program is on hold for now, while an injured ankle heals from a minor sprain.

Another layer of fog seems to be lifting here. I was looking at a book yesterday in a store, which had to do with biochemistry. I was interested in getting an idea of how simple protein and enzyme molecules interact. The very core processes of life. In my head, I was imagining the electromagnetic attractions and interactions between the very smallest particles of living organisms. The body I inhabit is a construction of these molecules.

Ethanol, or ethyl alcohol itself is an organic molecule. A simple hydrocarbon, that interacts with the molecules or our body when we pour it down our gullets. It poisons, and corrupts the cells constructed from billions of those proteins. It spreads it destruction throughout the system. I could go on here, but this train of thought is sort of an intellectual exercise in rationalizing sobriety forever for myself.

The point being, as I thumbed through page after page of incredibly complex chemistry descriptions, a new perception peeked through. The forces that have given rise to this system of atoms, molecules, cells, organs, and so on are capable of being described by mathematics and symbols. I was hunting for a set of mathematical expressions, which might describe the tendency of these molecules to combine, replicate, and regenerate.

I was seeking a way of understanding life, in terms I have been trained to think in. Mathematics, chemistry, and biology are tools to gain insight. I needed something more tangible and detailed than “it is, because it is”.

Maybe I have lost most of you here, but that is not my intention. The intention is to convey that I am experiencing a new and expanded perception. This is absolutely new for me, and is only possible because I have not poisoned my brain or body for almost a year and a half now. I have exercised, and meditated, and put the right things into my body. I know positively, that if I had continued drinking, I would never have achieved this new insight and awareness ever in my life.

Again, this last storm has been very different in nature than anything I went through during my first year of sobriety. I was beginning to wonder if I was going to wander in the desert for the next several years. A moment came today, and I knew it was starting to clear.

Anybody remember that group “America”? The song went (1970 or so)

I’ve been through the desert,
on a horse with no name.
It felt good to get out of the rain.

Sort of the way I feel today.

Please hang in there.

Be well.

Neil

[louise]

I remember that song. Glad the rain came to quiet the sandstorm and that you can come in now and dry off. I hope my journey is not as rough as yours, but if it is I will look to you fora model of strength.

[Popeye]

Hi Neil,
I remember the song.
I've been AF for just over two months now. I've had no major upsets; a lot of interference from 'Drinking Paul', but I've managed to slap him down so far. Also, some weird and rapid mood-swings. Concentration levels are getting better and generally I'm a lot happier. I don't feel such a failure.
I fully intend to keep going along this route and experiencing all the physical, psychological and physiological changes that you have. Trying to understand them is a different matter, but I'll give it my best shot.
Thanks again for another wonderful post.

[SKendall]

Neil, you are amazing. You have offered up all of your thoughts,experiments, and wisdom. Many of us on this site envy you for the sobriety you have achieved under horrible cravings, etc. You were deep inside a hole and you fought to get out and you have succeeded. I applaud you many times.

Some of our members who live alone find it more difficult because there is no monitor, etc. and "who would know", but you have stayed true to yourself.

I wish that I had your conviction and determination.

I am a huge Xtexan fan!!!!!!!!

[tawnyfrog]

Neil,

As a long-term Mod, I would also like to join in and say how much I enjoy your articulate reports of your progress.

On a lighter note - you encouraged me to delve deeper into cyberworld by posting your link to the South Park characters. I think you titled your post something like "Your Inner Child". I DID IT!!! That was my first ever 'upload'.

Thank you.

[Bella]

Hi there Xtexan, It is rough getting through the storms but you now have the strength to hang on for dear life until they pass. Good for you. Its good to be out of the rain! Take care. Bella xxx

[Flip]

Hi Ex,

You didn't lose everyone. Some of us have a need to understand more completely the "why" rather than the "what is" in order to explain the "what is".

I soak up every word like a sponge.

F. xx

sober for 6 months.

[capto]

Hey Neil,

I not only admire your fortitude, but I admire your writing. It's a joy to read your phrasing --even after the dust cleared. I shake my head when I remember how I used to reach for a glass of wine to help me write.

Thanks again for being here and sharing your thoughts.

Gratefully,

Capto

[katesm]

Hi Neil, I remember the song well.

"In the desert, no-one remembers your name.
nah, nah, nah....."

The dust is clearing? Man, you have to tell me lots more. I'm finding myself in a fog so bleary as to never see the end.

Can't even work out why I want to be on the train, let alone pay for the ticket. Logically, I can see the the station in sight, but oh boy, I don't want to go there. Emotionally, I can't wait to arrive.

Just another humpicide, I guess? The trouble is, I don't know if I'm capable of murder this time. I do not want to be a statistic, I do not want to go down as a number in a study. I keep coming back to choice.

Do I choose to be something other than what I purposely set out to do, or do I choose to try something different.

An interesting topic on the boards was PMing. If I know I'll be off for a while, I usually disable my PM facilities. I do this, so that if anyone should try to message me, they are aware that I'm not here. I would hate to think someone should think I was ignoring them by not replying. Having said that, I'm going through such a huge emotional crisis at the moment, I have no desire to expend energy on anyone other than myself. Boy, I LOVE selfish.

Anyway Neil, this was meant to be about you, and I've conveniently turned it around to me. Me, me, me.

Got lots of work to do. Metaphorically speaking.

Stay strong guys.

Kate.

[xtexan]

Thanks everyone for the good words. It's why I keep coming back here.

Been feeling clear the last few days, and motivated. I tackled quite a few tasks in just the last couple of days that would have been impossible to consider a couple of months ago. The house is clean and organized, which is a miracle for a single guy like me. Things are in their proper place for once, both internally and externally. I hope this one lasts a while.
-------------------------------------------------------------
Kate! No worries on your situation there. I start threads like this to sort of document the road. Breadcrumb trail as it were.

During the second year of abstinence, it is double important to do the psychological self work. This is what I have learned. Things that worked fantastic the first 6 months, may not be appropriate the second six months. Same for going from the second to the third 6 month period. Now I'm at the threshold of the fourth 6 month period, and I have to "shift gears" again. No time to even let the smallest thought I could "only have one or two", and even believe it for a micro-second.

It's the psychological cravings that are the terror after a year. I have just got to change my core way of thinking about myself, and been doing a lot of reading and research. There seems to be less material out there for us long term, past the year mark abstainers, than there is for the ones struggling with all their might to make it even six months. But it is there, and it often is hidden in books for people who never had a drinking problem at all. I won't get overtly philosophic or spiritual here, as it seems like we all have to choose our own path at this point.

Sorry you are in the fog, Kate. Just know that I've wandered around in it myself for weeks, months at a time. Having faith that it will clear tests our souls no end it seems. I look forward to the next step in this journey.

I am looking forward to Gabby's one year celebration here as well. If you are reading this Gabby, having another member make it a whole year gives me hope and encouragement. This is the far territory, and it gets a bit lonely at times.

Be well.

Neil