A few recent thoughts...

[xtexan]

Hi everyone:

Been a while since I posted the situation here. I find I need to do this every so often, for a few reasons. One is to keep my own recovery in a forward moving mode. Another is to gain insight into what long-term sobriety is. Yet another is for the benefit of those members here, who are in those days where all seems hopeless, and wonder, “What’s in it for me to get and stay sober?”

In no particular order:

-Someone posted here recently, that they treated each day, like day 1 AF. Here at 21 months AF, I do find some solid wisdom in that statement. It’s like that almost corny one-liner from the 1970’s. Today is the first day of the rest of your life. It may be a bit contrived, but still, has truth to it. Today indeed is a new day for me to work the program, and do those things one more time, that will allow me to live in the sober frame.

-I use those words “sober frame” here recently quite a bit. What does it mean? Frame of mind is what I’m referring to. The future will, and must be better than the past. It’s called hope. No hope always degrades to absent meaning in our lives. We must hope for a better day to arrive. Ask yourself, “Just why should I get sober? Why should I give up the booze as a key part of my life?” Not idly, but consider those questions with intense scrutiny. Consider what you have lost, what you will lose, and then what you have to start with, and what you have to gain. Not passively, but actively. This is courage to face yourself, and what you are without deception or lies.

-The calendar. I see a lot of folks use the drink tracker, and that is good if it keeps you honest. Myself, I don’t use it, but I had my own version I used for four years before making the long-term commitment. They were big full-year wall calendars, with the slick dry-erase finish. I used a permanent marker, and during 2002 through 2005 I would write in the number of drinks I had. I also had a code on them to indicate how many pain pills I would pop as well. So a typical Friday might read 17+3P. Meaning 17 drinks plus 3 pain pills. So the calendar for 2002 was chock full of numbers. I think maybe 500 to 600 drinks, all on binges. By the time I got to 2005, it was down to 350 or so drinks.

Now I keep new calendars. Except the code now says something like MS-U-st. That means muscular-skeletal, or resistance exercise of the upper body, plus stretches. Or the code may say CV-R-pi. That would be cardio-vascular, running, plus pilates. I keep more detailed records in a logbook, but now when I see the calendar, it is not stark raving shame or guilt I feel that the full spots, but intense motivation and self-esteem. Used to be, empty days on the old calendars were the hope of the future, now they are the kick in the pants to get moving again.

-Always recovering, versus Recovery with a big “R”. AA says anyone who used to be a alcohol dependent will be in recovery for the rest of their lives. I don’t agree with that philosophy. I do believe that I will never be able to drink just one or two, ever without experiencing major discomfort. There were times, when I could stop at one or two in my previous life, because I HAD TO. But the discomfort I felt had me paralyzed with cravings to get blitzed. It was just not worth it. Sometimes the lengths I would go to, to get the necessary booze to complete a blitz in private were quite extraordinary. I got very creative at times, as I’m sure many of you have as well.

The Recovery I’m talking about is one where I have completely changed the mental processes in my head, to consider alcohol a destructive poison to everything I want to become and get out of this life. The Allen Carr thinking is what I’m referring to here. I still get a mental craving here and there, from time to time, but now the response time for my mind to reel at the thought of the noxious liquid entering my body is very short. It gets a little shorter all the time, and I still have situations where I have to get very creative emotionally and logically to come up with the rationale to stay sober once and for all. Right then, that second, and for all the remaining seconds there after. Stay sober. I’ve already had enough drink for one lifetime, several lifetimes in fact, and don’t need to go there ever again. This is a mission of self-love and self-respect. I believe I can recover fully, and never drink again. Both can happen. I can stay sober today, and stay sober right now this second.

-I do believe fully, if I had used the AA method, I would be dead and buried now. I would have fought off the intrusive mental re-programming they champion with my last breath. I do not trust authority, and never will. All too often, those who reach positions of authority do not do so because they have any extraordinary leadership ability, or associated skills. They reach those positions, because they are good con-men, and have a convincing sales pitch. All too often, we see that what is delivered falls incredibly short of what is promised. What I’m talking about is the TRUTH. What I’m talking about is INTEGRITY. I have always believed in following the person who actually spends more time and energy doing a thing, rather than talking about it. I’ve never found a great depth of spiritual or philosophical insight in just words, but in actions and results. So I say this to you, I believe that you have it within you, to find your own best way. My way most probably will not work for you, because you are an individual. I am no mentor, or leader. BUT I am a doer, and a fighter. If you want to know how I did a certain thing, let me show you, rather than tell you. Then you know it’s real. Words, especially from a computer screen only have a certain level of power, but actions and results are the proof of the pudding. The recipe can only give you instructions on ingredients and procedures, and settings. You still have to make that pudding for yourself.

I have more on these things, but will cut it short here, and perhaps post more later. Just a few things to share, and hope that the good springs from it.

Neil

[Finding My Self]

Neil - thank you.

It's always lovely to read your 'chapters'...really is.

It's done my mind a power of good - unauthoritative sense...wonderful. I too, have every respect for the people and their stories of how they've actually done things!

So, I have every respect for you, Neil and thanks again for taking the time to post such good things for us all.

Love, truth and integrity to you for the next 21 months!! (With those three things in place anything is possible isn't it?! It's keeping them there 24/7...!!)

Love
FMF xx

Just thought, I see this every time I wake up... "Dear God (or whoever!) - so far today I've done OK. I haven't gossiped or lost my temper. I haven't been grumpy, nasty or selfish. But in a few minutes I'm going to get out of bed and that's when I'm going to need all the help I can get....!" Truth and integrity...!?!?

[southernbelle47]

Neil
Three words stand out in all that you just shared.

HOPE TRUTH INTEGRITY

You have done a wonderful job of showing us a "picture" of these words!

May I add a couple of my favorite to those?

FAITH LOVE

Nancy "Belle"

[KateH1]

Neil,

Thank you for your powerful words.

I am new to this program. Today I finally ordered the starter kit and downloaded the book. I have so much to learn, I appreciate all of the stories and helpful tips on how to live a sober life. I am putting my all into this......I must.

[retteacher]

Neil: Thank you for your sharing of your journey. I'm a little over 2 months sober & am coming out of a period of struggle (drinking thoughts & dreams). I want sobriety for the rest of my life. It feels dangerous saying that so soon in my journey, but a sober life is what I hope for. Mary

[Flip]

Mary, If you can dream it, you can create it.

Neil, I love you, you know that.

KateH, welcome to the most wonderful place I've ever had the pleasure to be in, sobriety.

[Accountable for Me]

Neil, I just love you so much and I think your words of wisdom are so helpful. I am at a loss for words when you post. Your sobriety and posting through all of the trials and tribulations through it helps us soooo very much.

[july232007]

Neil,

Great post. Today is my Day 50 AF. I started MWO with two goals: 1. 30 days AF. 2. The rest of my life AF if I could do the first. Your post is like reading what is ahead up the highway. Thanks.

July

[cpn1004]

Neil,
Thanks again for the great writing.
You are an inspiration to us.
Phil

[irishlady]

Neil, that was a fantastic post and if ever anyone wanted the inspiration and the guidance to give up alcohol they only have to read your words.. On my journey I have been with you every step of the way and you have certainly inspired me, long may you continue to do so..

Love, Louise xxx