How to forgive your self (blackouts)

[ylfa]

Hello, I am Ylfa and I am new here. I am foreigner and excuse my writing errors.
I have been drinkin on and off almost 20 years. I started 14-15 and right away it was clear that me and alcohol did not fit together. I did somtimes stupid things and started to get blakcouts like 22-25. I went to rehab because of depression and alcohol abuse the year 2000 . I have had to many slips since then and it is almost always I get terriblel long blackouts and I am always angry when I am totally drunk and have a lot of fights and say horrible things to people. I never remeber how I get home. I am so tired of this. I slipped three times last year and one time now and I can not describe the feeling to wake up and try to remember what I did last nigt. Some of you might though know this worst feeling in the world. Blackouts , blackouts what a discusting thing. I get depressed for many weeks and shame , guilt and dont want to meet people. I sometimes dont have the couarage to go to people and say am sorry what I said.
Now it is two weeks from my last slipped and I am determinded that this was the last one, otherwise I can die in my next drunk night. I have ruined all my dates for last two years with very nice guys and I am always ruining things in one night that maybe took me one year to build up. I go to aa meeting and that is helping me. Just I am struggling with forgive my self and get rid of the shame and the obsessive thinking that everybody saw me last time I drunk.
I like this place here and hopefully you have some advice for me.
Take care,
Ylfa

[betty boop]

Ylfa

You said it right, you have to forgive yourself, I too used to black out before I found this place, and yes lots of us know how it feels to wake up with the guilt.

I would say that no matter what, you cant change what you have done, it is your past forever and no one can change that!

You can however shape your own future, and if you want that to be a future without blackouts then we will all help you, you CAN do this, you have come to the right place to get all the love and support that you need to do this.

Love & Hugs

[ylfa]

Thank you so much Betty for nice words.
Take care ,
Ylfa

[Popeye]

Hi Ylfa,
Thank you for your post.
You have made a start in rebuilding your life.
Keep going.
I wish you only good things.

[angellina]

Hi Ylfa,

I know how you felt, keep smiling, keep trying, don't worry we all slip, just get up and try again.

Love Angellina