I know, I know

[Mags]

I know, I know

I haven't been reading here or posting here as I should have been for a long time. If some of you don't know me, I am a long time abber - almost three years now with two or three minor occassions which some would call slips but I would not. To me a glass of wine on my birthday with my husband is not a slip - it is confidence and control. But I don't worry about that and with labels. That is another story.

I know I am a very hard core alcoholic. That's it. I don't want to make this long, since no one will read it. cut to the chase:

Since being AF for almost three years the question is, does the desire for alcohol just go away? I guess for some people it does, or at least they think or say it does. For me, it really never has. Yes, it is lower. Yes, I know how much happier I am without it. Yes, I know that for me it is absolute poison which I can't afford to have. No, I never ever want to go back to those driniking days of indescribable pain and of just not being able to live life for a single day - and that unfortunately went on for years with me. The pain was excruciating. Deadly. No, I will never ever go back there again. Never. No matter what.

The strange thing is and which I am still quite surprised at is that I still think about alcohol every day. I take the supplements which are great. i take topamax which has helped me tremedously. I know I am not going to drink today or tomorrow. I certainly wouldn't say I still want to, but I would say I am still tempted every day. It is like this big monkey is with me everyday holding this big flag in front of me every day tempting me. It is always still my choice and I can choose to say no and the monkey goes away for a while. It is not very hard now that I am used to it. I guess what I am saying is that I can control my behavior, but as committed as I am, I still cannot control my thoughts as much as I would like to. I must just learn to live with them.

This is not to say that there is not great joy and comfort in the AF lifestyle. It is so wonderful. My words are only to say that it may take constant vigilance and work. But believe me, it is always worth the effort.

[kaddy]

thaks for the post it helped me a lot,,, well done... l went out last night 1st time af,,, to some mates for dinner which all drink,, but as hard as it was l never had one

[meditation mama]

Thanks, Mags...

This post is very frightening, but at the same time a huge relief. I am sort of glad it doesn't go away. It will force me to acknowledge it everyday. I have to do that. Quiet monkeys are the most destructive for me.. If any lay dormant (or better yet, hiding), and I am not giving them the attention they require, they will start to playing havoc and I will once again be complacent to the dangers.

Thank you for showing me the realization that I am not sitting here any longer "waiting" for those thought to disappear.. Funny, that sets me free in a way.

Namaste,

MM

[janka]

Hey Mags ... my hero! This is so well said and well thought out. Yes, the idea of drinking can pop up daily, but I think the attraction to it lessens with time. Plus, with time and experience, I think, I hope, we learn not to react to the thought by caving in. I am plugging away with over 130 af days, and the idea of drinking does come up not frequently thank God, but my response more recently has been different, it doesn't attract me in fact I really dislike the idea of its taste and the inevitable, horrible hangover that follows. I stay away now more by choice/preference I think. Maybe I'm delusional, j

[myra]

Great post Mags. My hat is off to you. Major kudos in order for you for being so willing to be honest and for doing what it takes. FYI. My hubby has been sober for 24 years. It took years for the thinking about it to go away. But it finally did. I hope to know from experience like you.

[xtexan]

I too still think about booze quite often.

However, the vast majority of those thoughts are not of a "pleasant" experience with alcohol, but of disgust, horror, and self-destruction.

This has been the result of an intensive self-conscious reprogramming effort. I would almost swear, if I ever start having "pleasant" thoughts about my gross drunkeness, health problems, and self-loathing of years past, I might just buy myself a shock collar like used on dogs. Anytime I have an illusory "fond" memory of being poisoned and numbed, I will zap myself good. Whatever it takes.

For now, focused meditation, self-hypnosis, and intensive imagery exercises help me to my ends.

I would go into all the extremely unpleasant stuff I retrieve on regular basis, but a lot of you out there already know the worst of it.

Conditioned response training is a cornerstone of my program. I guess some go to AA meetings, and listen to horror stories of others. I have enough horror stories of my own to work with for a long time.

I still desire an escape from my problems and stresses quite often, but my brain is getting it firmly entrenched that booze only adds to those problems and stresses. Even today, I spent a good 45 minutes on the mind machine in deep meditation over two sessions.

I will do the work every day that it takes, for as long as I can. I was never fond of being dead before my time because of the drink anyway.

Neil

[retteacher]

Mags: Thanks for the illuminating post. I've had 2 fairly long AF spells since I came to MWO 10 months ago. I broke both w/real relapses (not 1 glass of wine). I think about alcohol every day as well. I just came off a fairly exhausting few days of taking care of my little g-sons, because their parents had the flu. What ran through my mind when I dropped them off at home? Having a nice glass of wine to relax with. Then I did a reality check. I could never have a glass, or 2, or 3. I'd have to have the whole bottle (the bigger the better). But yes, the thought was there. Like you Neil, I work on what I was really like when I was drinking: sick in mind, body, & spirit. I've only been sober 17 days since my last relapse, but I'm not having the intense cravings I had when I first stopped drinking. I think about it, but I try to turn the romantic fantasies of sipping cocktails to the reality of drinking a whole bottle of wine in a day...& trying to keep it hidden from my loved ones. Crazy life!

Mary

[july232007]

Mags,

Just a quick note to tell you how much I appreciate your perspective after your many months and two years AF. Keep showing us your way, honest as it is.

July

[Determinatrix]

Mags -

I too think that is a scary post. I would love to believe that after doing all the hard work that the body and mind would evolve and deal. I am glad it gets easier; at least that is reassuring.

But so important is the reminder to stay vigilant.

Thanks for your frankness,
Dx

[SKendall]

Hi Mags, thanks for sharing this. It must be very dificult after so much time AF that the beast is still in your mind. All the more reason to say "Attagirl".