A lesson learned

[mikeupnorth]

Hello gang,

Well I've been gone from the board, let's see, almost two months. Here's the scoop.

I fell in love. "Fell" is a good term to use, because it's like the ground dropped out from underneath me -- that's how dizzying it was. Anyway, I met this guy on March 3, and within a couple of minutes I knew it was going to be something very serious. Within a day I was pretty sure we were going to be a couple. I know, I know -- I kept telling myself to slow down and be more pragmatic, but my heart hasn't opened up to someone like this in almost 20 years. And he was feeling the same way. So you don't take a gift like that and ignore it!

The problem was, he lives in Hawaii and I live in Alaska. So... we both had HUGE phone bills, as you can imagine. I planned a trip to Hawaii.

Of course I told him I was in recovery and didn't drink any more. Hmmm.... he didn't seem to get it. Well, he listened and he appreciated what I was telling him. But in his mind he compared alcoholism with a food or sexual addiction, or other compulsive behavior -- in which the person has to learn moderation. He wondered if I might not be able to "enjoy a glass of wine with dinner" with him from time to time. [Now, he does enjoy his wine but he doesn't get drunk. He doesn't drink alcoholically. He IS brainwashed to think drinking does something for him -- poor thing -- but he's not an alcoholic. And he had no concept of how my brain reacted to alcohol. NO CONCEPT.] So, with my alcoholic brain, and with my hormones raging, and having lost track of my priorities for a few days -- I was ready to try an experiment with "moderation."

Yep. Me. Mr. I've-been-down-that-road-a-million-times-before. Mr. Dead-Serious-About-His-Sobriety. I went from Dead Serious to Dead Drunk in a matter of days.

The first drinking experiment went like this. I was alone in Anchorage on business. I didn't tell anyone I was going to try the experiment, not even Sean (my partner in Hawaii). I was just going to do it, and then surprise him with my successful results. (Right....) I went to a fancy place downtown with handsome waiters and white linen tablecloths, where you can get (among other things) wood-fired pizzas with pesto and artichoke hearts and whatever other toppings you can think of. And of course, there is an impressive wine list. I chose wine because it was so.... sophisticated.....(yeah, poison is poison, garbage is garbage!).... and also because I figured since I was on Topamax maybe I could handle it better than hard liquor. I was sitting there with a glass of $9 pinot noir in front of me and my heart was pounding. Up until then I had been counting the DAYS. How many had it been? I don't remember.... it was very close to 6 months. I thought of the last time I drank anything, that time in Las Vegas that I regretted so badly. "This time will be different," the monster whispered. Um-Hmm. Somehow, even then, I didn't believe him. Anyway, the first sip was truly awful. I think people who say they drink for the taste are fooling themselves. I think all alcohol tastes awful. You learn to like it because you associate the taste with what it does to your brain. Anyway, by the time I was finished with the first glass -- which I made sure happened before my food came -- I liked the taste much better. I had a second glass with my pizza and was feeling pleasantly buzzed when I left the restaurant and walked back to my hotel. Back at the hotel I stopped at the bar and had a third glass and pretended to watch TV, but I was thinking, "Hmmm, I've gone this far, now what??" And before I knew it, I had bought a bottle, a bottle opener, and a glass from the bartender.

I talked to Sean later that night and he was horrified that I was drunk. I knew he was also horrified to think that he had influenced me in any way to drink. (Duh! But hey, it was my decision...) I promised him that night and again that morning that I wouldn't touch another drop until I was with him, where he could monitor my intake. Hmm...

When I was in Hawaii with him, I drank moderately. I was able to have a glass or two without going overboard. I didn't once get drunk. I could nurse a drink for an hour. I was very much in control of my drinking when I was with him. Yep... in control. That's how it can be for me when I am in the company of other people. The problem is, I cannot be "supervised" 24/7.

When I got home, it wasn't long before I got drunk -- WAY drunk -- by myself. The details are unimportant, but all too familiar: no dinner, house a wreck, waking up fully clothed on top of the bed in the morning with no memory past a certain point in the night, etc. I thought, "I can't go back to this place." Too late: I was already there. And Sean was angry with me, because apparently we had had an exchange online the night before which alerted him to the situation. I went to work with a hangover (how familiar that was) and feared I had screwed up another relationship for the sake of alcohol.

So I'm back. Back on my feet now -- one week sober. Staying off booze this time hasn't been difficult, and I don't expect it to be as much of a struggle as last time: I know what to do and what not to do. What's been harder has been my mood. For the last week I have lain on the couch, drifting in and out of half-consciousness whenever I wasn't at work. And I wouldn't have gone to work if I hadn't absolutely had to. I've been in a very dark mood. I've hated everything.

This weekend I made a conscious choice to start coming out of it -- I had to, because the darkness was smothering me. It's time to get up and start doing something again. What exactly my program will be, I don't know. I was doing some things right... in fact, I was doing a lot of things right. But I've learned some things from this, too, and I need to figure out how to incorporate them into my program and keep moving forward.
-- I let go of my priorities. I've never had a relationship in sobriety before, and with a new relationship I just let go of everything I was doing for myself and the relationship consumed me. I cannot let that happen. I have to take care of myself and make my sobriety my #1 priority; otherwise I lose everything else in my life.
-- Moderation is possible, and necessary, with other compulsive behaviors like eating disorders. It's not necessary, and in my opinion usually not possible, with alcohol dependence. The difference is that it's more than a behavior you're dealing with. You are introducing a powerful chemical into the brain -- and no matter what kind of behavior modification you've done, that chemical, once introduced, tends to overload the brain of the problem drinker. Further, why should I even try to moderate?? It's not like a person has to drink to live. It's not as if a person cannot have an enjoyable life without alcohol. We were not born to drink.
-- I have to expand my program beyond simply not drinking. I have to embrace other healthy lifestyle choices and become healthier in body, mind and spirit. I have to address some of the issues going on that make me so self-destructive in the first place.

And I came back to the board for two reasons. First, of course, is that I gain strength from all of you. I need your support, advice, wisdom, etc. I get something from all of you. (Thank you!!) And second, I hope that my experience might help some of you... perhaps it can help someone avoid making the same mistakes.

I don't regret falling in love -- it's been wonderful; Sean is a great guy and this relationship is still growing. He understands now the nature of my relationship to alcohol and my need for abstinence, and supports my efforts to achieve it long-term. I suppose this was a lesson I had to learn, and I'm just glad the ugly part of it is behind me.

Glad to be back,

Mike

[paula]

Hello Mike,
Welcome back. I too have had to learn that I can't drink in moderation.
The demon drink is cunning and powerful,the only way for me to stay
sober is not to pick up that first drink because one is never enough.
I have friends who say to me just have the one, but they have
absolutely no idea of what it's like to be an alcoholic. Fortunately
my family understand and I have support from them.
I'm so pleased your partner now understands and supports you.
Good luck. Paula.

[psychmommy]

Wow. . . I had wondered where you have been. I had always looked forward to your posts because they contained a lot of wisdom and always resonated with me. I have no doubt you have what it takes to make this work and be sober long-term. Good luck with your new relationship! I'll look forward to more posts from you.

[SKendall]

Welcome back Mike, we have missed you. Thanks for sharing your experience with us we will all learn from it.

I am happy for your new relationship and I know you will continue to grow and wish you the very best.

Keep posting, we love you.

[lushy]

You have been missed Mike. So glad you are back.

[irishlady]

Hello Mike, and a big welcome back, we have missed you..

It seems that you know what you have to do, and you are already acting on it..

Good luck,

Love Louise xxx

[abby1]

Hi Mike,
Welcome back. I am so glad you are posting again. You are such a wonderful writer.
Congratulations on your new relationship. I wish you the best......
Abby

[aquamarine]

Mike- Welcome back . I really missed reading your posts. They were always so helpful to me. Sorry to hear that you gave in to the alcohol for awhile but it really sounds like you have learned a great deal from the experiance. Work on getting yourself out of the darkness you are feeling right now. I've been there, it can really hold you back. You sound like such a strong, intelligent and insightful person. I'm sure you can get yourself back on track for the long term. I agree about having to be AF. For me at least there is just no reason at all to moderate alcohol besides the fact that I can't even do it. Congratulations on your new relationship, hope you find much happiness with him. Best of luck and keep posting. Aquamarine

[TomNolds]

I CAN RELATE,Mike It's a wonder you found someone in the lifestyle that does't have an adiction,sex,drugs,alchol,eating,whatever. Keep trying you can have a relationship with out alchol. as always Tom

[cassy]

Hi Mike..
.i am locked into trying to moderate still BUT I am not convinced its possible. i,ve reached that conclusion reading so many moderators on this site that "slip" and "slip time and time again.
I,m just not quite at the stage of NEVER AGAIN..which i knowdeep down will probably need to be the only way for me.

Are there any long term moderators who have stuck as their original goal...OR is the reality more like myself...i am doing so much better than pre joining MWO but stilll feel the urge to be a 2 nights a week drinker(anything from 2 glasses to the full bottle of wine).

Interested to here from any long tetrm moderators..say of a year or more who have managed to keep to their goals.......maybe thats just not possible for problem drinkers?????????????

Regards Cassy