My First Sober Year

[mwo2]

Thankyou Zen.

[Teardrop]

WOW 1 whole year sober in my books you DO deserve a praise from me and well done Zen Metal.

Love
Teardrop.x

[retteacher]

Yes, Zen, you deserve much praise. I loved your words about caution & over-confidence. I needed to read this tonight. Mary

[KateH1]

Hi Zen,

So happy for you and your entire year of sobirety! I am at a little over six months without alcohol and I must say, life is so much better already! Yes, there are still challenges and all of the issues of daily life, but, I am so much better equipped to handle it! At one year, I am sure it is even better! Yes, I too think that a huge congratulations is in order for you!!

Might I ask, how did you stop drinking? Did you use a program? Did you use supplements? I am very curious to know. Please share your experience with us. I am certain that we will all learn from it!

Wishing You Happiness and Peace!
Kate

[ZenMetal]

OK - a warning - this gets a bit graphic.

I think, being brutally honest - I'm one of those people who had to hit rock bottom. My drinking was out of control - and by that I mean flat-out insane levels: a quiet night for me was drinking around 3 litres of the strongest cider or beer that I could find, most often topped off with some shorts or maybe some wine. At weekends, I'd really cut loose (which is mind-boggling, in retrospect).

I had tried every way possible to moderate for nearly 15 years - because in all honesty, I didn't really want to give up. I liked the buzz that it gave me, and I was going to get that buzz, regardless of what the impact was on my life. I looked like hell - a red faced, bloated, angry, panic-stricken, weeping, vomiting mess.

One morning I woke up for my daily puke, when I saw blood - dark coloured blood, not the "usual" bright red blood that I normally saw. My head and more worryingly, my heart were pounding (I had already been dignosed with high-blood pressure and had been told to stop drinking several times by my doctor). And I couldn't stop being sick....it just kept going, even though I was by that time just dry-heaving. Not pretty.

After several hours of feeling like hell...the feelings of nausea subsided slowly - I think it took maybe three or four days to recover enough to go to work.

That was the point where I made the commitment to give up completely. I knew, inside, that I was genuinely killing myself. I knew I couldn't moderate. Moderation for me, was just another name for binge-drinking - it had to be all or nothing.

I didn't follow a programme, or use supps, aside from Valerian to help me sleep (I thoroughly recommend it, for any insomniacs out there). I didn't really have any choice, as I was broke, basically. Please note - I don't advocate the cold-turkey method for everyone - for me it was Hobson's Choice, as I couldn't afford even the most basic of programmes. So I white-knuckled it.

My motivation was to not die - I knew, inside, that I had run out of options, and it was a case of change my ways or die a stupid death.

The key, for me, was keeping busy - ANYTHING to stay off the booze. I painted fences, worked on computer programs, played guitar, walked, did a bunch of overtime at work (my boss was in a state of shock!).....whatever it took. It was a month-to-six-weeks of hell, with all the classic symptoms - shaking, sleeplessness, all the good stuff

But then it started getting better, very slowly...and piece by piece, you really do start to live again. As our dearly missed Bear said - never give up. That's the important thing. To get to the stage where I could commit to total abstinence, I had to go down every possibly route which avoided it. I did that for the best part of a 15 years of problem drinking.

But sometimes you have to go down the wrong routes to know which one is the right one.

I'm genuinely humbled by it all - I really appreciate the messages of congratulations above - many of them have moved me to tears - but to be honest, I feel that I've body-swerved certain death, and I'm very VERY aware that one drink, for me, will put me on the track to certain disaster. I'm aware that over-confidence on my part, or taking sobriety for granted - could ruin it all. When you're ready to do whatever it takes to get sober and take control of your life back - that's the turning point.

One day, I'll write a book about it, LOL

So that's where I am today - grateful to be alive, and grateful for my family and loved ones, and also grateful for the people on this forum - you guys inspire me to keep going every day.

Peace & strength,

ZM

[Starlight Impress Forever]

Hi Zen,
I don`t find your post appallingly graphic.......it`s more brutally and heart-wrenchingly honest. I admire your honesty.......it`s a crucial quality in the quest for sobriety. Your post speaks volumes.

Once again........very well done.

Darling x

[Mags]

Ah yes, Zen

You and I seem to be soul mates once again. I do remember those (what seemed like) endless days of puking with dry heaves all day long. I remember the blood also. I remember my eyes popping out of my head from the pressure. So what did I do? I drank more to get over the anxiety. Thank God those days are gone.

I also remember our recent conversation and how you really inspired me. That is my past. What I have now is my future. I don't plan on coming on this site much anymore because as much as I love the people here, it puts me back in my past. Do you know what I mean?

I know I still need some of my past to remind me where not to go again. But I don't want to live in it. I don't want to think about alcohol or not drinking every day. I just want to live free every day. I'm at a turning point in my life professionally and I don't even want to think about alcohol ever again. I just want to see my future and alcohol is not in the equation at all either as a negative or a positive.

Sorry if this doesn't make much sense. Thanks for listening anyway.

[ready2change]

Ah Mags...I so understand where your coming from. I question myself as well, coming here daily, several times a day. Is it helping me? Or is it keeping alcohol in my brain waves? I'm not sure. I don't feel, for me, that this is my lifeline, but rather like I keep waiting for that one post that is going to "nail" it for me and inspire me to quit, once and for all.

We will miss you, but totally understand. Do pop in from time to time and say hi.

Hugs...R2C

[KateH1]

Zen Metal, Thank you for sharing your story. All I can say is that I am so grateful that you decided to do whatever it took to gain sobriety. The abuse that a body can take and still be alive is nothing short of amazing, but, we know, there are limits! I am happy that you are here, and very happy that your life is where it is today......one year later!

Mags, you know how I feel about you! I do believe that you are turning a corner in every way! I anxiously await the day that your New Professional life will begin! I know that everything else will fall in line when that happens, and it will happen!

I too, do not want to ever go back to where I was, six months ago. Though my story may be less dramatic. I was miserable and my life was spinning out of control at an ever increasing pace each day! I too, never want to drink and even take the chance that my life could revert back to where I was. I never take sobriety for granted.......each day is a new day and an opportunity to grow!

xxx Kate

[Cinders]

Zen, Mags, Kate,

These are very INSPIRING posts. Mags and Kate are dear friends of mine but I feel like Zen is another.

I am looking for the "softer way out," by using Lenair. But if Lenair doesn't "do it" for me, I will continue to fight and abstain. I will.

Because, like Zen and like Mags, I have been sitting in hotel rooms or at home puking into the toilet when there was nothing to puke, crapping stuff that should never come out, and wondering "what the hell am I doing here???"

Oh, yeah. I am doing this to myself.

Like all of you, I am going to find my way out. I am determined. Period.

The "buzz" is not worth the effect anymore. The effect hurts horrendously. Horrendously.

I have hurting innards and huge bruises and scabs from my last "binge" and I am determined to stop. This beast will not slay me. It will not.

Failure is not a f*cking option. It simply is not.

Love,
Cindi