Spring Cleaning...

[xtexan]

Spring Cleaning..

A while back, several members would write of having the drive to do an extensive “spring cleaning” in both their lives, and their homes. After maybe 2 or 3 months of continued sobriety, hope springs, and an urge to discard all things associated with drinking seems to manifest. You know, the drinking accessories such as bar implements, glasses, and what not. Other things as well, maybe clothes, or other personal items that remind us of a particular drinking episode of shame.

Myself, I went through a period about a year ago where I sort of went berserk, and got rid of a lot of stuff. I sold a couple of vehicles that were old and worn out, and bought a newer car that was fuel-efficient. Accumulated junk of years also went by the wayside.

Now, over 15 AF months later, I am going through another phase of this same thing, and this time it is even more thorough. Books, magazines, papers, more clothing, and many things I held onto for “security blanket” reasons are now getting the heave ho as well.
Computer parts, knick-knacks, dishes, and a lot of other things are getting either tossed or sold.

It seems as if I am experiencing a major shift in my self-image, and an intense urge for simplicity and organization is gaining strength. During my drinking days, it was as if I had a strong connection to things of the past, since my future never seemed valid. After all, a hard-core drinker like I used to be, lived in the past for many reasons, and tended to hang onto material things from the past for security. It’s as if at some deep level, I knew my future could only end in disaster.

After all these months of painful and intense psychological self-evaluation, and catharsis, I continue to grow in the hope that sober Neil is here to stay in power. After battle after battle with old drinking Neil, he is relenting, and finding that the past is no place for either of us to live.

Maybe this is all a physical manifestation of a deeper emotional healing. I took my entire library of books collected over 40 years, and took a long hard look at each one. Am I really interested in this anymore? Does this even represent something I need to have anymore? I pulled every one from the shelves, and ended up paring them down, destined for the library donation box. Organizing and rearranging. Every single thing I am looking at I ask the question, “Does this represent or remind me of my drinking days?”
If so, do I need to keep it for any right reason?

I suppose that the AA 12 step process embodies this somewhat with one step about taking a “fearless moral inventory”. Even though I don’t abide by the AA method, I do see that some of the steps are valid for me in this light. A fearless inventory of the psyche has now taken physical form. I am becoming a new person, bit by bit. So many things collected and amassed from over 30 years of boozing are no longer relevant. It’s funny, as if something terribly important to me 5 years ago, now appears as if it belonged to someone else. In a way, it did.

The whole shape of my living space is transforming. Less baggage, and more efficiency and streamlining. More space to think and live. Less garbage to clog and impede my efforts at realizing whom I want to become. A sober, rational, human being. An emotionally stable, calm, and competent man.

I had so many systems devised to support a hard drinking lifestyle. I had some real clever crap I had come up with, just to support my drinking so I could get away with it with minimal trouble. Maybe you have done, or do the same. Those systems, and habits become incredibly ingrained over the space of three decades. Now they are being dismantled, like blowing up the old casino to make room for a new gym. Drinking Neil is taking the back seat. I know he will always be there, and believe me; I have the rear view mirror still focused on him.

You know when traveling with kids, the old adage “Don’t make me come back there. I will stop this car, and whip your butt!” It’s like that with drinking Neil these days. Sober Neil is driving, and every once in a while has to yell, “Don’t make me come back there!”

This is new and strange for me. It’s unexpected for sure. This recovery and healing process takes weird forms sometimes. The best word I can find to describe it is “transcending”. Sober Neil is growing and getting stronger mentally, emotionally, and physically. The sober Neil of today, is fundamentally different than the sober Neil of one year ago. It is amazing, and astounding.

This is hope for the future, in a new way I have never known before. It is worth the fire and agony my friends.

Be well.

Neil

[tea]

Neil, thanks so much for that, really enjoyed it and totally relate to the manic spring cleaning. When I am like that, yes always when have been AF for a while, I go looking in corners of cupboards etc and find that I am desperately searching for something to 'get rid of', wonder if we are trying to 'get rid of' the 'past us'? That was really thought inspiring. I just love posts like that, when you read one and realise you are not alone and not totally bonkers.

Lorna xx

[Arial]

Hi Neil,

great reflection and so glad to hear the positiveness shining through. Being only 35 days AF I can't tell the long-term effects, but I certainly went through a similar catharsis after my marriage broke down - I kept everything that reminded me of the past - it took many years to realise that the past isn't what's important, or even who I am now, so same thing - it's gradually been thrown out! Luckily I still have some wonderful memories, but the physical things just had no place in my new life. You're right, you're a new person, and the person I'm reading today seems to be strong, focused, realistic, courageous, determined, insightful - and excited about the person he now is! Many congratulations on such an achievement; enjoy your new life, your new you and keep posting so we can keep getting inspiration from it!

Warmest wishes,

[katesm]

Hi Neil,

The old spring clean does wonders for the soul.

I can't say I've ever wanted to get rid of drinking paraphenalia, as it's still in use by others, but I've done the book thing and other related stuff.

Back in January 06, when I made the committment to go AF, I had a bottle of vodka on the go. I emptied it, and placed it high on a dresser in my dining room. It was like a talisman. That bottle signified all that I didn't want to be, ever again. As time went by, I looked at it less and less, but I kept it as a reminder of who I had become and who I had moved on from. The ghost bottle of drunken past, if you like.

So in January 07, as I cleared my books, cleansed my home and freed my mind, I was able, happily, to dispose of the bottle.

Catharsis is a good word. I have never felt so liberated.

I guess I got to the spring cleaning early? Must be a gal thing!

Great post Neil.

Kate.

[Java]

I always love reading the insight you have to offer, Neil. It is very refreshing, and gives me a glimse of what to look forward to. I have made it to 80 days AF, and plan on having many more. The weekend I decided to finally quit for the final time, I threw away my most prized item, something that i felt I no longer deserved because I had let myself down. I threw away some wine bottles I had saved over time, the ones I liked, just for memories sake--these were not ones I had gotten drunk of off, just ones I enjoyed, and wouldnt have minded having again--see I was a vodka drinker to get drunk, but I could enjoy a glass of wine. I decided that if I was really going to do this, I needed to get rid of anything that could stand in my way, it was painful taking those bottles to the trash, but then I thought about it; it was just something else around here to remind me of something that led me to where i didnt ever want to be again. I packed up the rest of my stuff, shot glasses, ect--so I could give them to my boyfriend.

I guess I did my cleaning a little early, but this time was different, this time I really wanted it---this time I wasnt just telling myself I wanted to stop, this time I did stop.


Victoria

[ylfa]

It was wonderful read that you had to say. I first stop drinking 2000 but have been slipping to many often even thought I had good sober times. Now I am on my last journey I hope and I am sure I can use many things from you to get it this time.
Ylfa

[changing]

Congrats Neil.

Stay in the driving seat. I am early on in my own journey and alcohol free for over three months now but I have some sort of determined energy to continue to abstain and change. It is a new way of living and reading your post is inspiring and full of life. Good to hear the old Neil while in the back seat is still in view. I can relate to that image. Life as it used to be in my personal experience was not living at all. Shedding the past as you are doing is so cathartic.

I wish you well.

changing