What comes next?

[Sigh]

A valuable lesson for me that I was taught a long time ago by a psych prof was "You are not unique". It's been learned and stated in many different ways, but ultimately means to me that I can at any point take stalk in the idea that what I'm going through now, many have gone through before, many are currently going through, and many will later go through. I've always found this idea both humbling and comforting.

This said, I know that right now what I'm writing others will be able to relate to. In fact I've read it already in some posts made by others. I'm hoping others can give me some guidance towards the next steps.

This forum is full of so many insiteful people I already feel a great gratitude towards you that I know a simple does not express enough.

I've just now gone AF again. I did it successfully for ~2 months cold turkey but then thinking I'd conquered "the problem", started drinking in moderation and 6 months later found myself almost full circle back to where I started. I say almost full circle because going AF this time I'm better armed than I was last time.

Last time AF:
I went AF because I came to realize that alcohol was killing me. Very slowly, not over night, but stealing days off of the end of my life. As thanks, it gave me that temporary numbness and escape that felt so damn good.

This time AF:
This time, I realize alcohol is killing me. Very slowly, not over night, but stealing days off the end of my life. In return it's giving me that temporary numbness and escape that feels so damn good.

Yes I just wrote the same thing twice... What's different this time is I'm approaching things much more humbly with the understanding that I'm an alcoholic because I want to escape. I also realize that I may well be an alcoholic for the rest of my life and come to grips that maybe I'll never drink again (NOT EASY!!!). I hate admitting something is out of my control or that I have a problem.

Something, somewhere along the lines, became part of my life where finding that numbness felt great. Enough that I'd function through the day then escape into the night, rinse, and repeat. What am I escaping from... I don't yet know. Can I figure it out? I don't know...

Today:
I sit here now not entirely knowing what will come next and that's both really scary and a tiny bit exhilarating. In the evenings it's hard to imagine life without any form of narcotic escape.

I find myself now full of uninebriated time on my hands and I don't know what to do with it. In the evening my mind often "chatters" and keep me from sleeping.

I've got too much time on my hands.

• I've bought some new books..
• I'm trying to get healthy through exercise & yoga.
• I'm trying to exhaust myself during the day so I can fall asleep at night.
• I'm watching movies..
• I'm creating new challenges: (Golf pro certification w/in 2 years, Retirement w/in 5-10 years).

More than anything else, I want to learn to know myself! I don't know who I am or even how to start. I don't know who I am or even who I want to be... The best formula I have is a rudimentary one:

Sigh's Success = healthy body + good love/sex + wealth + healthy mind.

The last one is the sticker as the others are tangible. I can set goals and work towards them. The latter is a mystery to me.

[Sigh]

Hi TK,

Of course feel free to borrow away & keep as long as you like. It's great if some piece of me can help you out as well. I think if you're also doing some soul searching, it's a worthwhile exercise for you to try to find your own pursuits also. With some luck maybe you'll find some passion in some of them.

I can't answer you on why I say it's an escape. It just feels that way to me, like I've been using alcohol to fill a gap in my life rather than trying to understand it. I've felt that for a while.

My goal in AF is this time to face the boredom, stress, anxiety, depression, and all those other negative things that are part of our lives, rather than trying to numb them. Alcohol works great in this way for me but it also numbs my other emotions such as happiness, excitement, passion, spontenaity, & ultimately living and loving life.

For me the journey started with going AF, and the next challenge involves getting to know myself better. It's a concept that goes back as far as greek philosophy and beyond, which again leads me to believe I won't be without help along the way even though it's a personal journey.

[Flip]

Sigh, thank you so much for this post. You have articulated everything I've been trying to say about my own journey back into the world, sober.

This is exactly how I have felt/been/done/said/wanted for the past 8 months - my second (and final attempt) at life long sobriety.

You are surely going to achieve your goals with that mind set.

PS: Have to disagree with the 'unique' comment - I'm an individual, just like everyone else ! lol

[gabby]

Hi Sigh, Welcome! That was a great post. I'm gonna read it again tho. I was fast and I don't want to have missed anything. Glad to have you join us and I will be back. I do have some definite thoughts.

[xtexan]

Sigh:

Your post hit a chord with me as well.

I was doing alcohol, AND painkillers pretty regular right there before I stopped. Sometimes 30 to 40 mg. of hydrocodone or oxycodone. Talk about narcotic numbness! I knew all the words by heart to Pink Floyds "Comfortably Numb" for sure.

I was numbing physical pain, as much as emotional and mental pain. I often said I drank to obliterate the power of reason, which took quite a bit. Days of binging were my greatest joy and hope back then, because sobriety meant nothing to me, except excruciating pain.

I guess the thing, I had to find, was why certain things were causing me pain, and as you know, booze is only a short term destructive fix, but it does make you think things are OK for just a little while. Then the price paying comes, as first a little hangover here and there. Later, after decades of abuse, stark horrifying hopelessness, and suicidal depression lasting far longer than the temporary booze fix.

Systematically attacking the core reasons for the pain, in the beginning, causes even more pain. Any person with a few days or weeks of sobriety knows this for sure. Wave, after wave of price paying comes in ways that give deep regret for those short periods of numbness.

You are on the right track to doing this thing for the long-term I believe. There is pain of life that really cannot be escaped, but only integrated into our existence. Becoming mentally healthy, is finding the way to accept it, and let it flow through us with some degree of philosophy. Many turn to mainstream religious faiths, and others turn to exhausting self-explorations in search of hard truths. Either way, we are alive for a reason I guess, and I don't think we were ever meant to obliterate our sense of reason with any sort of chemical salve. Pain sucks, but it is indeed proof that we are alive.

Best of luck to you on your journey.

Neil

[Sue Can Do]

Hi Sigh,

Maybe a writer too, that was very well written, a great post.

Sue

[Sigh]

Some great responses. Neil I couldn't agree more, in a way I think giving up alcohol is easy, learning to live and enjoy being sober is the difficult part and why so many times we fail. Flip, everyone thinks the same thing that they are unique, doesn't that by definition mean they aren't unique? :P Sue you flatter, I'm an internet geek through and through, couldn't write my way out of a wet paper bag but . It's just a topic that's close to all of our hearts here I think and it feels good for me to write about it.

I've been having continued trouble sleeping at night. One of my first reactions to giving up alcohol is I want some other sort of intoxication as already mentioned. Got me thinking, is this necessarily a bad thing? In fact, I think it isn't but alcoholism has stolen and bastardize the term intoxication..

Intoxication: Excitement and elation beyond the bounds of sobriety
Sobriety: Sobriety may refer to the state of demonstrating solemn or dignified personal behaviour...

Note: of course there are other definitions for both these terms, these are the ones I found that do not mention alcohol or narcotics.

Like, I love women. The emotional high of a new relationship, the anxiety of whether she likes me the way I like her, the goosebumps of seeing her and the longing when she's not around. The little messages and the uncontrollable feeling of joy/lust when we see each other again. And love making that drives her to the point of uncontrolled pleasure where she's ephoric, she's intoxicated.. I'm intoxicated.. it's intoxicating..

With golf, when I hit that perfect shot where everything went right, absolutely perfect, so very rare. Or I'm in that emotional state where everything is going right & I feel like I'm invincible. Spinning my club after a shot just because it feels good to do it. Walking with more of a spring in my step than normal. It's intoxicating.. I can't do wrong.. I'm bigger than life.. I'm someplace else..

With kids, one of my colleagues cannot stop talking about his sons yesterday. His youngest just turned 3 and the day before his father taught him to ride a bicycle. He was so proud of the accomplishment of riding a bicycle unaided at 2 years old. I can picture his beaming face seeing Valentine shooting off on his own. His son glowing both with his father's pride and riding a bike for the first time..I'm sure it was an intoxicating moment..

With alcohol, when I drink I feel numb.. My mind slows.. I forget my worries and anxieties.. I relax.. My mind doesn't chatter anymore and I can sleep soundly.. I'm protected from my problems.. However, I'm far from intoxicated..

When I was young, we drank tonnes and it often served as an introduction to intoxication. Doing absolutely crazy stuff, having a blast doing it, waking up feeling like shit and nursing ourselves back to health.. But drunkeness does not beget intoxication.. Intoxication is something mutually exclusive..

Gonna finish with a quote I absolutely love that I think is in line with this thread.

People don’t necessarily get what they want. People don’t
necessarily get what they need. Instead, people get what they
honestly and truly believe that they deserve. In other words, people
get what they expect to get.

The key to having what you want is not getting what you want, but
being the person for whom getting what you want is a mere byproduct
of the reality you create simply by the way you live life.
-David Shade

[Finding My Self]

Xtexan - hello. What wonderful posts here, thanks! Your, "Pain sucks but it is indeed proof that we are alive" is just great. Whole 'story' (meaning ramble/dump - don't go there!) on booze busters 8/13 where I've had such great support and hence got through today...
Also though, the news that a near neighbour, a mum of a school friend of my 14yr old son, died last week - apparently she was given one month to live and that's all she got...pancreatic cancer... and I though I was in pain this morning...

With gratitude I think of your words and know that this morning, painful as it was, proved I am alive and I 'welcome' (well, working on it!) the pain as proof of the chance to live life to the full if I choose to - which I now do. A different mind set in lots of ways with the added bonus of AF = twice as much time in 24 hours...

Neil - I haven't read anything from you before and it's great! Thanks and I'll be back - you say so much soooh well as tkeene says... the intoxication bit is amazing - beautifully put and, yes, what's wrong with that sort of intoxication? Beautiful and life-enriching. It is actually a wonderful word and not one to be afraid of after all! The other type, yes, not a good place - so heavy and dark.

I am delighted to just read your 'intoxication paragraphs' in the light of my last two day's posts....how wonderful to read words written by a chap which are so tender and open, excited and exciting....! You've taken me on a little journey of fancy!!! Thanks.... obviously all is not lost in the world after all!

See you again all and good luck with the journey.... I am certainly 'coming into focus' more and more - sometimes I like what I see and sometimes I need to find a vast sense of humour or.... But, I have the chance to let things change now and I am grateful! (You know, in the first month it was actually as if I could actually see my feet as if they weren't mine... and feel myself vividly as if I was 'on something' when I wasn't... I've worked for years with sensory awareness but this was a new type of observation to me....?! Has anyone else felt things like this? (They've faded now a bit... 81 days.)

Love to all
Feet x

[beatle]

I love this thread. What a great introduction to the "Long Term Abs" forum.
Think I'll be sticking around.

[Sigh]

It's worth sticking around beatle. This journey is both petals and thorns, today is a good day for me. I see things more clearly than I have in a while and there's almost a smile on my face. I can remember the things that cause an involuntary smile and more importantly remind me again of the man I want to be.

Not all days are like this and I feel bipolar sometimes. Lots of highs and lows as I work out the things stressing me but it's forward progress and I feel good on the whole about that.

Cheers,
Sigh