Why I want to let go of "moderation"

[Doggygirl]

Just want to thank you Sara again for your honest and heart felt post, and congratulate all who have been inspired to be honest with yourselves in assessing your true ability to "control that which contols us" as Heavenly put it. I think the acknowledgement that we cannot safely drink because of where it leads is such an important step to building a new life where alcohol is no longer a boat anchor dragging us down.

Jane jane, the truth is that there is NEVER a good time to quit if you define a "good time" as a time when it will be easy. I really struggled with that too and it just kept extending my drinking. There is always another birthday, wedding, holiday, celebration, hardship, exciting thing, tragic thing, etc. going on in life. The best time to quit is right now so that a better life can start building right now despite the bumps in that road. Just my 2 cents on it - coming from someone who wasted a lot more time drunk over that line of thinking.

Strength and hope to all,

DG

[redhibiscus]

Sarasmile, thanks for your heartfelt and thoughtful post. I totally agree with you. I can moderate at times, but the times when I over indulge are just not worth it. It is easier to just be AF.

JaneJ, my first thought was, she will be sober for all her daughter's parties and remember everything and be at her best. I know DG is right when she says there will always be something to celebrate or worry over, and it is never an easy time to stop drinking. But what a gift to yourself and your family if you are AF for all the celebrations. I have a family member getting married shortly and have family saying things about drinking at the reception. I plan to stay AF to not disgrace myself, remember everything, and have a good time. But the pressure is on.

[dill]

Sara, thank you for this thread. You have expressed clearly the thoughts that are scattered about in my brain. I will return to this thread when I need a "push".

[KateH1]

This is a really great topic, with so many honest and insightful posts. I fully admit, that when I arrived at mwo a two and a half years ago.....I was so excited at the thought of me controlling alcohol instead of alcohol controlling me. Once I read RJ's book, I decided that taking a drug, TOPA, in order to drink under control, seemed strange to me. I was not comfortable with the idea of self prescribing a powerful drug, in order to drink. By the way, this is in no way a judgment against anyone who decides to take Topa or any other drug. This is a personal choice.

Never the less, I still wanted to moderate and thought I could do it anyway, using the supps and not the drug. For the next two months I set about moderating. I would do OK for a few days, and then of course, I would get drunk....try, try again. This was not success, this was not the casual, enjoy a glass then take it or leave it situation called "moderating". I was miserable, and alcohol clearly still controlled me. So, I finally went AF, I have never regretted that decision. No, it has not always been easy, but, I and everyone that I care about are far happier with alcohol out of my life.

Interestingly enough, in chat the other night, a member called me out for my hard core stance on AF. This came clear out of the blue! She told me how "hard it is to moderate", and how even though,"she is not perfect", moderation is good for her??? Honestly, this made no sense to me, moderation is not about fighting alcohol. True moderation is a alcohol no longer controlling ones life. But, this conversation showed me, once again, how defensive people can be to protect their right to drink. I do not believe that one who truly has a casual, pleasant relationship with alcohol would be so defensive.

Plain and simple, I hate to see people suffer because of alcohol. It is truly heart breaking. I know this suffering first hand. For those few who can indeed develope a casual, non-threatening relationship with alcohol.....more power to you! But, like many here, I believe that this is a choice for very few of us.

[Doggygirl]

Hi Kate - it's great to *see* you! I can relate to so much of your post. Speaking only for myself, I too felt a little strange about the thought of taking a prescription drug on my own in the hopes I could continue to drink, just safely instead of dangerously. When I first arrived, I was also conflicted. There was a part of me that KNEW I needed to be AF and so about 90% of "me" went with that. But when I reflect back, I realize that the part of every addicted drinker that hopes desparately for a way to drink safely was alive and well - even if only in my subconscious. And that part of me that "thought I could drink moderately / safely" came out in spades at my 60 day relapse.

I think it's so important to recognize that the decision to stop drinking entirely, at least for an addicted drinker, is a difficult one and one that requires more self-honesty than we even know we need. I *thought* I was being honest with myself in the beginning, but I can see now that I held something back - something for AL. For many of us, it takes lots of bumps in the road before we are finally ready fully and completely accept the truth - that we cannot ever drink safely...ever. A bitter pill for me, that one. BUT...looking back, I am just grateful that I finally saw the truth, the full truth and nothing but the truth, 100%.

Thanks for sharing, Kate. Great post. Now I must go take Avatar Boy out for a pee.

DG

[KateH1]

Hey Doggygirl....so good to see you, as well! Wow! You said something in your post that really says it all....you wanted to quit, knew you should quit, but that you were "HOLDING SOMETHING BACK FOR AL".That is powerful and explains so well why we give in a drink!! It has been said by so many of us in the past, there will always be celebrations, deaths, good times and bad......all very good "reasons" to give in a drink......especially if we are "Holding something back for AL".

I am happy that for going on 2 years (sober 2 years in December!!) I hold Nothing back for AL. I only hope and pray that I can and do, stay steady on the course!!

[sunshine_gg]

DG... you hit the nail right on the head.

There was a part of me that KNEW I needed to be AF and so about 90% of "me" went with that....I held something back - something for AL.

I think I did very much the same.

Great thread, guys. Thank you.

[KateH1]

Thanks GG for quoting this........(I have no idea how to do that!!LOL!)....but I do believe that this hits the nail on the head as to why some have the best intentions, but still give in to AL!

Brilliant, Just Brilliant!

[Doggygirl]

Kate - can't wait to help you celebrate 2 years!! To you and GG too...it's really something as the fog lifts and we see the craziness of our thinking, isn't it. "Insanity" is it!

DG

[Sarasmiles]

I thought about giving in tonight...I've been in a bad mood; a little depressed and irritable, and I just wanted to change my mood. Using alcohol for that is so ingrained in me as a "solution"! "Just one strong Manhattan" I thought...It's a cold autumn night, fire in the fireplace, why not? WHY NOT???

Because one tonight would mean another one, or more, soon.

Because if one strong drink eased my tension and lifted my mood, it would reinforce for me that idea that drinking is an option for doing that. As long as I see it as an option, I truly believe I will use and abuse it as an option. I've done that for over 20 years! Why would it be any different this time?

So, I rode it out. I read with my 10 year old, drank herbal tea, and rode it out. Drinking to get out of a bad mood simply isn't going to lead to "moderate" drinking. I could call it that, if I only did it a few times a week. I could even drink a "moderate" amount, if I fought off the vampire drinker in me with all my might. But drinking a moderate amount is not the same as moderate/social/normal drinking, in my book. Not if the drinking is happening for the wrong reason.

I guess I'm still "holding something back for alcohol" though. I still weigh it in as an option, on a bad day. But I believe that every time I dismiss it as an option, I grow stronger. N'est pas?