Help?

[RavenGirl]

Thought I'd post here at a "belief" section.

What do you guys do when you don't really know who you are without alcohol? AL has been such a part of my self-image for so long, that I don't quite know if I'm ready to go without him. Who would I be without AL? I'm so much more friendly, more loose, more a REAL person when I've been drinking.

How will I do without it?

I'm scared...

RG

[sad in beijing]

I completely understand where you are coming from ravengirl, as I'm trying to find the same answers as you. I've spent the last years as a party girl, only socializing when there was alcohol in the picture. I know already that part of it was me self medicating due to extreme social anxiety/shyness, and now that I'm attempting to be AF I wonder how I'm going to fare.
What have others done? Perhaps for the first part of the journey staying fairly quiet, and away from potentially stressful social situations is a good idea, but after that?
Are people taking anti-anxiety meds? Therapy ?(can't really afford it..) Hypnosis?

[RavenGirl]

you know...

just sitting around listening to stone temple pilots...not exactly a good role model since scott weiland is a heroin addict.

There has to be a way to change your self-image...I'm so used to the way I've always been.

do the hypno cd's help change the way you see yourself? they're expensive...but worth it if they help...have seen myself as an AL abuser for so long.

There has to be another way.

come on someone...let me know how you have changed your view of life.
RG

[RavenGirl]

Yeah, SadinBejing...

That's why I drink too...

My SO accuses me of being a recluse, and I know I am. But what she doesn't understand is that that's the only way I've been able to socialize. So AL is my way of reaching out to the world. I'm worried about how I'll be able to reach out without the social lubricant.

RG

[Prest4time]

Hi Ravengirl,

Glad you are sharing and being honest, and I understand the social anxiety and feeling that you need the help of alcohol to help you relax and "be yourself". Well, who we become with the help of alcohol is not the real us. But AL tricks us into thinking that "is" the real us. Well that's a lie.

I also understand the fear of discovering who you really are without AL. I have heard it said many times, and find it to be true as well, and that it IS hard emotionally to let go of the alcohol... its like losing a best friend. A best friend who is always with you at every fun social event, always there on the other end of the phone, and without them, you dont quite feel "you."

But have you ever lost a close friend because they moved away and suddenly their companship is not an option anymore? Its really tough at first. You cry a lot and cant seem to get them off your mind. But then soon you find yourself going hours during the day and you didnt even think about them. Its a process... much like a grieving process. But time does heal, newer, healthier habits can be formed, and you will be so much stronger because of it. Its bittersweet. You smile through the tears because even though you miss your AL, you are proud of yourself and a process of self-discovery begins. Its not always easy, but there are more rewards than there are bumps in the road. You may slip as most do, but get up and keep going. You will find that you like the "new" you much more than the old you. I promise.

You dont have to be all social like everyone else at the social functions.... be you! If you are quiet and reserved without AL, that is OKAY, because it is you. It just opens a new door to grow and learn to introduce yourself to someone else who may also be feeling a little shy and who knows? You may find a new best friend that you never would have noticed otherwise because you were too busy being the false you.

Also, since this IS a "what we believe" thread, I personally choose the Christian faith and find much strength and comfort in the promises of who God says I am, and that He does not identify me by my failures, but by who He created me to be.

I have learned, and am still learning, to change my "thinking". Stop thinking "I am a failure" and meditating on your failures, but rather who you know you are deep inside when you stop looking to alcohol.

You are a wonderful person, and dont ever forget it.

[HopefulNow]

Hey, RavenGirl,

Just to pile on to what Prest has already said so eloquently...maybe you're supposed to be the quieter girl at the party, who DRAWS other quieter types to her. I've found sometimes...not ALWAYS, but sometimes...that when I'm quiet and just let things happen and let people come to me, rather than MAKING things happen, those have been some of my happiest, most memorable times. And have wound up being some of my most lasting memories, too.

Maybe this could be true for you, too?

I dunno. When I'm truest, most comfy in my skin, that's when the "magic" seems to happen most effortlessly. Sometimes that happens with a glass of wine. Sometimes not. But always...ALWAYS...when I'm LEAST trying.

Sounds corny, I know. But at a party, smile inwardly first. Then set out, and smile outwardly. You'd be surprised.

Let, don't make. If that makes any sense.

-HopefulNow

[sad in beijing]

I really liked your 'good friend' analogy prest4time, thanks.
I would also really love to hear how others have dealt with their fears, and managed to overcome social anxiety issues without self medicating with alcohol.
Please share!

[livingfree]

One of the things I did that really helped me was to write a letter to AL just as if I was writing to a real person (like prest talked about). A good friend who has been sober now for years suggested it. I planned on a "quick" goodbye type letter, but ended up a 3 page letter that started out with how much I would miss him (Al) etc. etc. but to my surprise - by the time I got all the "how much I was going to miss him" out of the way - I was shocked at the ANGER toward Al that came out of me! How he had stolen my time, my money, my friends and damaged the relationship with my family etc. Wow - It really helped me see what a LIER and DECEIVER AL is!!

I also read a great article awhile ago about social situations for a newly AF person. They called it "social skydiving". You imagine how strange (high) it is to be in a setting with people that are drinking when you are not. You "observe" and when are ready - you jump. You start talking to people even when you feel very frightened. It's like sky diving. It sounds like a great adventure until you are looking out of the side of the airplane. Terror strikes! But you HAVE to jump. The most amazing things happen when you jump. Your FREE if only for a couple of minutes. I wish I had the article website, but didn't keep it.

I tried it at a party last Friday night. I was bored (never have been to a party where I wasn't drinking BEFORE I went to the party, and then at the party - so I was dreading it. I remembered the "social skydiving" and tried to imagine it - It worked. I jumped in a little more than I would have and actually had a decent time. (I wouldn't say I had a blast, but thinking back to the drinking days, I really didn't have fun then either. I would numb out before the party, and by 11:30 I needed to go to bed because of all the drinking!)

I also am a Christian, and that is the only way I make it through any day. It is my faith in Jesus Christ that keeps me moving forward one day at a time. If you want to know more about that - I've seen some amazing posts in this "what we believe" thread, or I would love to tell you more if you wish. I just know it is not by chance you posted here. God has an amazing plan for all - sometimes it takes until we "don't know who we are" to hear His voice. He shows us who we are and how much he loves us. When we are at the lowest point, he lifts us up, and makes us brand new - all we have to do is call out to Him.

Blessings to you dear ones - this journey is not a plane trip where all you see is sky - It is mountain climbing - but the view from above will be worth all the pain from the blisters.

I can't wait to see what you discover as you "rediscover" who you are. I think you will be quite proud of that person.

LF

[southernbelle47]

Hi RG! to this thread!

As others have said, "it is no accident that you posted here"!
We welcome you with open arms.
We all struggle with the questions you asked but there is an answer.
God loves us unconditionally...there is nothing we can do to make Him love us more or less. "God Is Love"......Agape...God's love..perfect love ..
We as humans are not perfect...we are all sinners.
But Jesus who WAS perfect was "made to be sin for us"....so that we might be in perfect union with God.
The only thing He ask of us is to confess that we know we are sinners.
We know that there is not a thing we can do about it.
And accept the "Gift" He gives us in His son , Jesus.
Now when we receive this gift , we say "Thank you" to God.
He IS THE Higher Power that leads and guides us to live our lives.
We are still human as long as we're alive on this earth but we have a "reborn" spirit within us. And the Hope we have is to spend eternity with Him after the struggles of this world are over for us.
This is who we REALLY are.
Nancy

[Miss October]

Good Morning,

I cannot believe I have been missing out on this forum. First time I stuck my head in the What We Believe Section.

Prest4Time, LivingFree, & SouthernBell, your replies to RavenGirl were truly filled with great insight and wisdom, and written so beautiful. And LivingFree enjoyed reading about your letter to AL. Talk about a love/hate relationship.....wow !

Thank you all,