Guilt

I got an email from my sister yesterday. She lives in Ohio and I don't talk to her that much. My brother-in-law found out he has non-hodgkins lymphoma about a year ago.

Yesterday she said he has to go to Columbus for a bone marrow transplant soon. Hopefully one of his brothers is a match or else it could take longer to find a donor. There is a 40% chance he won't make it though the transplant and if he does make it through he's only expected to live another 5 years. He's only a couple years older than I am. I think he's 36! They have a 12 year old son.

I've been so caught up with my own problems, drinking being one of them, I haven't been there for her much. I feel so much guilt for not being there. All I can do is help in any way possible now. I spent the entire afternoon researching stuff for her on the internet.


Marcie

Gee Marcie,

That's a tough one. I can't say I know anything at all about it. I guess first of all a 60% chance that he will make it sounds alot better than a 40% chance that he won't. Some times when faced with really scary things like this it helps, even if only a little, to phrase them as positivly as you can.
I know things like this can be scary, especially when they start throwing numbers at you and saying "only expected to live....".

I think you are doing the right thing in gathering as much information as you can. Knowledge is power. No truer statement has ever been spoken in situations such as these. I don't know how open your sister is to your help, but perhaps suggest to her to get a notebook. She can use it to keep track of all the things the doctors tell her....meds, test being run, results, prognosis, etc...there is just so much!!

I am sure you feel quite badly for what your sister is going through right now, and guilt for not being there for her in the past. But honestly Marcie, think of how much you can be there for her now. Look at how far you have come in the last two weeks. How positive you have become about your own recovery. You can take that energy you have going now and not only use it to continue your own recovery, but help your sister now. You could waist it on guilt, but that would be conterproductive to you, your sister, and your brother-in-law. It may be hard to get over your guilt, it often is, but try and look at all the good that will come from turning that guilt into actions that can support your sister instead.

Take Care Marcie!!

Donna

Hi Marcie,

Boy, I think the stars are in some kind of funky figuration, with all the stuff going on in the past few weeks!

At any rate, given your wonderful skills with research, I think this is a real opportunity for you to make a contribution here! You certainly have increased all of our knowledge in the last few weeks since you have been sober, and I think you can be a wonderful resource and support to your sister as well.

I certainly understand that you would feel badly that you haven't been there for her in the past, but that is the past. The present is here and now, and the future is before you, and there is so much that you can do that is positive NOW. In AA they talk about making amends. You haven't done anything bad, perhaps, just neglected your relationship. You have a God-given opportunity to turn that around, girlfriend!

Am I getting too preachy? If so, sorry!! I'm still a little weepy about my girlfriend's Mom! Anyway, Marcie, I hope you can see the positive opportunity in this, and please don't take what I am saying as a criticism! I only mean it in the most positive and loving way!

Kathy

Hi Marcie,

I'm sorry to hear about your sister and brother in law. I hear that you are expressing guilt for not being there for her as much as you think you should have been - but many, if not, most siblings are like that!

We get involved in our own lives and when someone needs us, we are there. Well, you had a lot going on in your own life - you've made incredible strides over the past few months. And now, your sister has reached out to you for support.

Thanks to all the hard work you've put in, you're now in a position to help her deal with this. I'm glad your sister has you - I know that you will be a great help to her.

Thinking of you,
Pansy

You said it, Marcie. All you can do is help NOW. You know what you can do now to help and as Kathy said, your research skills are so wonderful, I'm sure you can be extremely helpful with seeking out the latest and most current options and treatments.
Are you and your sister a lot alike? Do you deal with stress similarly? (drinking business aside) Does she prefer to be checked up on frequently, or given some space? I suppose those are the things I would be thinking of along with the medical aspects of your brother-in-law's treatment. If you are having guilt over the past year or so about not being as present as you may have thought you should have been, maybe you can start showing her how much support you are willing and able to provide at this time. Remember, you still gotta take care of you! At the same time, a little card in the mail or some home made cookies sent might at least put a smile on their faces and let them know you are thinking about them.
Take care, Marcie. You are much stronger every day.
Becca

Thanks everyone for your responses. You gave me some good suggestions. All I can do now is support her, it is hard with her being so far away. The rest of my family lives in Florida, so she doesn't have any of her side of the family close. Her husbands family lives right next door, so that helps.

I talked to her on the phone yesterday and it sounds like they are doing ok. Her husband is keeping a pretty positive attitude and she is also. I can't imagine though being that young and having to worry about dying. There are somethings in common with my brother-in-laws treatment and what I will have to go through soon for the Hep. They use some of the same meds to treat Cancer as they do to treat HepC.

Becca that was a great suggestion to send some cookies or something like that. Of course the cookies I make are the kind that are already mixed together and you just have bake them. ol

While I do feel guilty not being around for her much in the past. All I can do is change that now and help as much as I can.

Thanks,
Marcie

And just think Marcie how much more support you will be without the booze. Do your research, little miss search engine, and be positive despite how hard it can be.

Life can be extremely unfair- I'll never understand it- I hope all goes well. It's also hard when family doesn't live near you to stay in touch like you want to. Do be so hard on yourself. You're a great person.

Patty

Hi Marcie-
I'm sorry for the illness that you are all dealing with. Your sister is fortunate that she now has your support.
What a blessing it is that you have re-discovered your sister! My sister is in Ohio also and she's a couple years older. Boy, when we were young, a couple years seemed like a huge difference in age. We were completely opposite and the only thing we had in common was family. Now, although we live far apart, we are closer than ever. She is such a funny, loving person and we have a common bond that I will never have with any other woman. My only sister! We don't talk very often, but this message you sent made me realize that I need to quit putting off calling, e-mailing, sending a note...Don't feel the guilt anymore, just share your love, an ear, a shoulder and she'll do the same for you.
Cynthia

Hey Cynthia!
My sister is 6 years older than me. I got a fake id with her picture on it when I was 17. I guess I was setting myself up to abuse alcohol way back then! I'm glad some good came out of my message and prompted you to keep in touch with your sister more.

Marcie

Hey Marcie, guilt is such an ugly emotion... It'll eat you alive. :rolleyes
I know there's so many times in the past, when I've been unavailable for my family(for anyone-even myself! at times!),but I can't change that. Just have to move on & make most what we have now... If possible, maybe let our loved ones know how much they do mean to us. I'll bet your sister is counting her blessings right now, knowing what a wonderful sis she has.
I'm sure blessed with a great one... believe me, we didn't always feel that way about each other, especialy growing up!
I know me & my sis can talk....just about anything under the sun(and moon!), I'll bet being available for her now, would mean a lot.
Peace & Prayers, Judie