My husband betrayed my confidence

Hi guys,

This is a rant sorry

My husband is very helpful but usually I feel like the director, manager, coordinator of all of our lives and I feel a huge burden on my shoulders that maybe be partly self- imposed because I have anxiety issues. He frustrates me when I am trying to get things done and he plays with her and throws her around like a football and pokes her in the eye by accident one day or elbows her in the nose the next. I totally lose it. And she totally right now loves him more than me, she couldn't care less if I were here or not and I am so jealous because I try so hard to make sure she has everything she needs and to give her love without the football part, and help her with her speech. She has food allergies, a speech delay and she is getting services from the state, I coordinated all of that. If I don't clean the place simply doesn't get clean. I pay the bills, manage all our finances. I wait and wait to see and it never happens unless I finally crack and say could you please clean the flippin bathroom.

We both work so it can't all fall on my shoulders. Like I said he'll do anything I ask of him I am just so sick of asking and anticipating everything that needs to happen around here.

The one thing he does do that is amazing (he's getting sick of it though) is gets up for her almost every morning during the week Mon-Thursday (I'm off Friday) while I am getting ready for work, he is making the bed, the coffee, giving her milk, changing her diaper and putting on her speech dvd (he goes to work later than me). He also deals with the nanny but I have to tell him what to tell her, ha ha. Our morning system is great. I come out of the shower and get handed a cup of coffee. That ain't bad. It evolved into that somehow probably because I was too hungover before to function as quickly as him in the morning but it's still going on.

But here's the biggest issue right now. He told his best friend about all this (meaning me) and I wanted this to be kept between us indefinitely. I was planning to moderate in a few weeks and no one would have even needed to know!!!

I haven't told anyone and it's my problem and he said he needed someone to talk to about it. But now of course his friend will tell his wife and she will tell her friends and it'll never be the same again. I've been branded by my own husband. If he said I just wanted to clean out for a while so we could get pregnant but he told him about the meds, this site, everything, so I've been outed by my own husband. I found out because his friend wants us to go visit them next weekend for Memorial Day weekend- they have a new daughter and a big beautiful house and backyard and his friend is also a wine lover (took an interest after my husband did) but it's an excuse to drink wine for him. We always have a great time when we go there. Anyhow I guess that is when he told him, which means if we go no one will drink because they won't want the lush to slip so I'm not going, I'm too embarrassed.

They have this couple friend that has a daughter that is a little younger than mine (she's probably around 2) and the mom is one of those ones that always has to "top" you especially when it comes to her kid, she thinks she's a genius. I am so paranoid that she's going to think that my daughter is speech delayed because I drank during pregnancy which I did NOT DO!!! I basically told him to go drink his face off so I didn' ruin everyone's time, sleep there and leave me alone and i'll stay home with the baby. I can't face these people. He said he wasn't going anywhere without me so I told him I guess he was staying home too so he's ruined his own weekend as well. I should have realized, his friend hasn't called the house phone in weeks. This is a huge deal to me, how do I forgive this?? I am humiliated. :evil >: >: :(

Patty,
I'm so sorry this happened. Really wish he would have gone to someone other than mutual friends to vent. This has happened to others...their spouses/sig. others need to vent and then go spill it to someone who really did NOT need to know the gory details. I can totally relate.
Couple things: there are links and support grps for family members of people struggling with addiction. Maybe your husband could find more helpful advice there, like how to manage social situations, and more importantly, how to support YOU. So often, our spouses just don't know what the hell to do, and unfortunately, we have gone and put them through some crap in the past:( , so when it blows up, it's in a bad way.
Also, you may just find that out of this group of friends you just might get some support. Here's how I handled this:
Me: "hubby and I have been not really getting along, bla bla bla, we're both going to make some changes. I'm really making an effort to cut back on my drinking. You know how I love my drinks!! ha ha Yeah, well I actually think I love them TOO much and find myself drinking more than I'm comfortable with. Before it gets out of hand, I joined a support group and everything, ..."
Friend :"that's great, Bec! You know, I should probably look at my drinking sometimes too" or "I'm proud of you...whatever you need to do"

Seriously, I got a lot of that. I know you hang out with people who enjoy their wine, and who knows??

So, you may eventually have to answer some questions... suppose you oughtta be prepared for how much/how little you want to share (unless it's all out there already)

I'm feelin for you this morning, Patty. About your daughter, don't ever let anyone make you feel like your daughter is any less "perfect". You are starting her treatment so early... stay positive, because that will reflect on her.

Becca

I know I know- I feel like it's all out though you know- you know how people gossip (especially in the burbs) no offense to burbs people! I'm just so embarrassed I cannot say it enough. This is so far from a mutual friend, he was one of my husband's groomsmen and our daughter's godfather! And he's married to a reporter on the news!!! agh!

He would have been better off lying to me and telling me he hadn't said a word because honestly I am so upset and mortified I don't think I can go no matter how supportive they will be, I'm gonna be the elephant in the backyard so to speak. Such a f-er.:o :evil >: 8)

Oh Patty, I'm so sorry that happened to you.:( I don't know what to say, other than I know how "cluless" the "un-evolved" gender can be sometimes:rolleyes grrr. As much as I love my Hubby, there's definately times when I really think I'd like to take a 2 x 4 to him....and knock some sense in there...
But I'm sure he feels the same at certain times. Aint love grand?
You're Hubby probably really is proud of you, ....you have been doing so well, he must notice a big change!
We are definately "wired" differantly than men... Hopefully this will blow over soon. Try not to let it get you down. It will pass, but I can understand how you must feel. :\
Hugs, Judie

Thanks Judie,

I don't know- this is a doozy- if he felt like he needed to talk to someone about it he should have talked to me first. I'm the one the got screwed here not him- yes he has to live with me but I'm not all bad and I didn't deserve this especially since I am finally trying. He didn't tell anyone when I wasn't.>: :evil :( :rolleyes :\

Patty,

I, too, am sooooo sorry your husband did that. That IS a betrayal and I know you will feel uncomfortable around all of these people wondering what they are thinking (because we as women worry about things like that). If it makes you feel any better my girlfriends and I have been having major discussions lately about how our men (as much as we love them) lack such common sense about basically everything in life (sorry to any men reading this, no offense intended just relating personal experience). You are not alone in that. We definitely are wired differently. Regarding your daughter I am sure you have heard that children go through a phase where they almost have a "crush" on the opposite sex parent. I went through this with my daughter when she was about 2-3. I would take care of everything all day but she was more excited to see Daddy. It will pass. Don't bet yourself up over that one........I wish the best for you. I would be furious with my husband too.

Molly

Maybe I accidentally deleted the cookies setting or something, but lately (for the last few days) I have had to log in with my screen name and password. It always used to come up automatically. I'm sure RJ and her peeps will know how to set it up that way. How awful that we all take such pains to protect our privacy, and someone closest to us ruins it.

CS

Patty,

Funny you should bring this up today. I am having the same EXACT problem in my home as we speak. I am not quite sure what to do about it either. I too feel betrayed. I just wanted to quietly handle this by myself. No one else needed to know, what in hell good is that? Who is it helping? It sure isn't helping me, it sure isn't helping you, it sure isn't going to be helping our husbands I dare in the days to come.

I don't know about you but I just am having such a hard time getting past the feeling of betrayal. My head is telling me that my husband loves me more than anything on this earth and would do anything for me. But my heart is breaking. The two are just not coming to terms with eachother right now and it is quite hard to deal with isn't it?

So, what do we do about it? Do we sit here and brood? Certainly I feel more than intitled to a certain amount of brooding right now but I must say it is making me feel worse. I sure do wish I knew what to do here, I have not felt this badly about anything in quite some time!

For now, I am going to go spend the day with my lovely daughter. That always puts a smile on my face! Perhaps that darling baby of yours could do the same for you in the mean time. Good luck to you as you try and work through your feelings Patty. I will be thinking of, as I will be having much of the same feelings as you are!!

Hang in There!!

Donna

Oh Patty, Double damn! I'm sorry. I wish we lived closer... I'd come babysit(I'm a "Tomboy . And I love kids, just don't have any, probably because I'm too much of one...:rolleyes
Really wish there was something I could do... Better times are coming, keep that thought in mind! I know when I'm hurt or mad, there's not much that helps... other than kicking something(and then I usually hurt my foot!)
Anywhere you can go throw rocks? Hang in there sweetie. Hugs, Judie

A friend of mine is going through the same issue and the two of you could probably bounce ideas off each other, but this is my take.

It is so hard for us to accept within ourselves that we have a problem. To be outed is devasting. But, I have come to realize the more I accept it, the more poeple I am telling. Of course only those very close to me. So far I have told my mother and my husband.

It isn't easy to accept or deal with, but the deed is done. Now you just have to decide if you will let this derail you. It doesn't have to. Grill your husband for exactly what he said. Act as if nothing has happend. Drinking is our problem not theirs.

If they feel inclined not to drink then hey, this could be a positive. You know, so many people are in the closet about this. You may find that someone approaches you and asks for help. It is easy to sit high in judgement, but I can guarantee you that anyone who treats you badly or unjustly for this is only hiding a deeper, darker secret.

I recently found out that another co-worker has been going to AA for years. The person who told me shouldn't have and the person who is going to AA doesn't know. But you know, I have such a deeper respect for him now. I know he has beaten this and I feel he and I are kindred spirits.

Try to see the positive in this and don't let situations like this run your life. Accept the situation for what it is and if people ask just say, "I am taking care of myself and my family." I am doing the responsible thing. So many deny that they have a problem and they are the ones who are lost. Not me."

I don't know if this makes you feel any better, but try not to let it keep you from succeeding.

-Nina