Day 17

Happy Saturday Everyone. TGIS!

Day 17 and counting y'all!! Yeah!!
Keep up the great work surfers!! :p

Warning: Rant ahead! Please skip to the bottom if you want no part of it! .... :eek :(

Feeling disappointed today. Just a lot of things piled up on my head, and on top of that, I realize that there are too many negative people in my life. Too much unnecessary criticism coming at me. I look to my friends for support & I'm not getting it, I'm getting the opposite of support. Stupid little criticisms, someone doesn't like this or that about me, or I'm just not _______ enough for them. Not fun, outgoing, partying enough, or not a good enough friend, daughter, sister, aunt. Whatever it is that I AM is just not good enough for these people!

All I can think is, OK, then why don't you step off? No one said you HAVE to hang out with me. You don't have to call me, or pursue me in any way. But please don't act like you want me in your life only to have someone to insult when you feel like it! You're not paying my effin bills man, so don't stress me! Accept me for who I am, or get out of my life!!

I really don't see the point in it. I suppose it makes the people feel better for a minute when they try and make you feel bad. I just have so little tolerance for antagonism from people I choose to spend my free time with. I'm already on full from all the crap I take at work. I have no more room for it after hours. & why should I? So they can write me into their stupid dramas? I don't think so! Homey don't play that! ol

By the way, the reason I don't tell almost all of my friends and family what I'm going through, or that I even have a drinking problem is because I'm afraid they would just use it against me. How's that for being alienated?

Well that's the tip of the iceberg I suppose.

As for drinking, I know that there's no real relief in that enticing bottle of scotch, or whatever. Alcohol is like a magic trick. Drink this and your problems disappear! Abracadabra... ta- da! Wow! Did you see that? No more problems on my head!! They're all gone! Yeah, until you wake up and realize it was all just an illusion. All your problems are still there plus a nice hangover and the embarrassing knowledge that you are a sucker to that evil magician!

Thanks for letting me vent... hopefull this will tide me over for the rest of the month, ventwise I mean... :\

Hope you all have a great day!

Deirdre


I feel sorry for people who don't drink.* When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.* ~Frank Sinatra

Hey Deirdre

Wish there was a warm blanket emoticon.

All can offer is a warm shoulder, a cup of tea , and permission to tell me what you really feel. You're having hard time at the moment. Dump.

Morning All,

Well Deirdre, I hear ya! Loud and clear sister! I haven't told anyone what I am doing either because I am sure the second I show weakness they will jump all over me. Now, whether that is true or not I do not know, but I prefer not to find out.

I think it does make a person feel better when they try and antagonize another person, especially when they see that other person as a strong individual. For whatever the reason, the antaonizer feels the need to see if he/she can knock the wind out of the sails of his/her pontential victim. Sick I know, but true all the same. I live a family of such people and they are enough to make you absolutely NUTS!

I have a feeling Deirdre that you are perceived as a very strong individual by your family and friends and they want nothing more than to be a part of this. I am sure they have noticed a change in you whether you have shared this with them or not, and they are wondering "what's up". I know mine have.

So what do you do. Well, you could do what I do and say "BYTE ME!"...just kidding. Really though, I guess you come here and rant as much as you need to and then go back to them and fit them into your new life in such a way that your new life allows. You certainly however, DON'T take their crap! I do believe there is healthy balance to be found here, and you will find it!

I hope everyone else is finding a healthy balance in their new life with their family and friends. As for me, I am still working on that one, but then again, we are all works in progress aren't we!

Have a GREAT Saturday all!

Donna

Oh, and as for drinking,

I would be remiss if I did not comment on Deirdre's choice of quotes for today. I LOVE Frank! I have quoted him often since I have come here, however, not that one.

I must say last night may have been a night that I could have made a trip to the store, but I chose not to. It would have been for all the wrong reasons. Certainly it would have been to numb emotions that I prefer not feel, and yes, the magic would have worked for a time but I would still be here this morning with the same feelings plus a wicked headache to boot!

So, as much as love Frank, I have to disagree with this one. I feel much better having made the decision to stay put and ride it out! at

Donna

Good Saturday morning all,
I loved your "rant" Diedre as often I feel that there is nothing I can do that is good enough and that I can please no one.Maybe when we stop drinking we are taking care of ourselves and family,friends etc think we are no fun,too serious,and not the clown that we normally were.If i was feeling guilty about drinking I would try to make everybody else happy so they would think I was a good person.My new motto is "be kind and gentle to others but save yourself". Nobody else will.
I,like so many others here,have been in a funk. Nothing I can put my finger on but my general outlook has been to see the glass as half empty.I've tried to analyse and talk myself out of it but decided to just ride the wave and let my mood get better on its own.
So, last evening,I found myself taking a bottle of wine out of its case (in the basement so I had to make a special trip)and putting it in the fridge to chill. I felt like the person on the cd where i was watching myself do something but instead of lying in the hammock I was putting a bottle of wine in the fridge to drink. I knew full well the consequences if I opened the bottle but we can fool ourselves into believing we can drink one glass to relax. I ate dinner as I was thinking of HALT. I wasn't hungry or angry or tired. I could have been lonely but that was a tough one as there were four other people in the house....my family to boot...easier to drink the glass of wine than think about that one.
BUT....by the time I finished dinner and was ready to open the wine I had the worst stomachache ever. No way could I drink. So I went to bed. I still have the stomachache. I dodged a bullet I was aiming at myself.
Have a good day all
Janet

Wow Janet!

Good for you! That was one heck of a thought process you went through. Way to dodge that bullet! Hope the stomachache feels better!

Donna

Morning ya'll,

Day 12 here. 11 down. My GABA and Abstinance cd's arrived in the mail! Hopefully, I can start the cd's later today...

Deirdre, I'm soooo glad you posted your rant today and hope you read it another time or two because you really clarified what you're feeling. Those feelings are totally valid. Sometimes those around us just don't get it! And you're right in wanting to isolate from that kind of negativity right now. They DON'T know what you're going through or where you are... I've found that during certain life events (and man o man is quitting drinking a full blow life event) it's best to surround myself with positive people and energy. It doesn't mean blowing off everyone... It just means choosing to spend more time around those people or places that support who you are now or who you see yourself becomming. Drop the dead weight for now and grow those wings... You deserve the priviledge of growth! Don't let ANYONE stop that! And please remember... We love you here! All of you. That includes the good, bad and ugly parts... We "get it". k?

As far as telling those around you about your drinking past... That is your sole decision. No one needs to know unless you want them to. The only reason I'm so open about it is because at this stage in my drinking "career", there's no hiding it. Pretty much most people around me either suspect or already know. So for me, it's just simpler to talk about it openly. No, I didn't plan on making an announcement to the whole town... just close family and friends. Shrug... But I have to keep the attitude of, so what if the whole world finds out? This isn't about them... This is about ME! And right now, I'm choosing to be good to myself. That's nothing to be ashamed of!

I'm gonna stop before I ramble off another novel... But real quick... Donna and Janet? You are waaaaaaay kewel! Look at the inner strength that's popping out of you!

HAPPY NOT HUNGOVER SATURDAY YA'LL

Hi Everyone,

Tawny, thanks for your visit & your kind words. It's always nice to see you! Well I have my cup of tea, but that warm shoulder has been pretty elusive lately. Maybe someone will come up with a new invention - a Hug-o-Bot or something... like the Wody Allen Orgasmatron from Sleepers (I think? or Bananas?) You just walk into the booth & get hugged by a virtual friend. Thanks for offering your shoulder though, It means a lot to me. I think we should get Helen to start work on our new Warm Blanket emoticon. She's down in the basement anyway, might as well put her skillz to work for us!

You guys are my Hug-o-Bot!

Deirdre

OK, Truth be told....I did not stop at one cold Corona last night, I had 4, and 2 shots of tequila last night. And I sneaked the tequila, because my hubby shouldn't drink it cuz it hurts his tummy. I had a headache in the middle of the night. I wasn't moderate at all---just wanted to get bombed to celebrate, and I was so tired, it wasn't even that fun. So I'm concerned about my ability to mod instead of abs.
I plan to purchase and try the supps, and I guess, if necessary, to try topo. Part of me says, why take medication in order to moderately drink? I should abs instead. And do I really need meds to abs? Isn't my sober mind/will good enough?
I know this will be my struggle this summer to try to determine how best to live a sober and healthy life, mod or abs.
Thanks for listening.....Anni

Donna, I totally agree with you! I think that Frank quote is so funny because it makes you do a double take, like, yeah Frank, that's the point. But then you think again, and ponder for a minute what he's saying, But then you realize... he must have been drunk when he said it!! ol Just food for thought.

Anyway, I definitely do NOT have a healthy balance with friends & family. At this point I don't even want to see most of them. Unfortunately, my thoughts right now are ...If you share, you get betrayed, whether they mean to hurt you or not, that is what happens. So I keep my protective armor on, and it blocks out some of the bad, but then it blocks out the hugs too I guess. People can be so inconsiderate, and I'm a sensitive person, and if they don't know that much about me by now, I think it's best to just avoid them. I just can't take anymore right now. I d think it has something to do with needing my free time to recuperate from work, and not having any more room for more crap. But also, I suspect there are some people in my life who I will never really enjoy being around.

I hope you're doing Ok Donna, with all the stuff you're dealing with, I hardly feel entitled to complain. Somehow it does help...I don't feel so isolated when I can vent here. You're right that we are all works in progress. At least we know that we're growing, and not still stuck in an alcohol hole. Hey, new word... Alcohole! Where I'd like to be today! (Not going there don't worry!) Just know that my thoughts are with you, and I hope things are getting better for you. Big Hug!

Jane, thanks for all your encouragement. You must be very strong to be able to be open about everything. You're right, it is simpler, and I hope to get to the point when I can feel comfortable with giving out that information. But you're right, facing and taking care of ourselves is nothing to be ashamed of. It's just that right now I need all my fighting strength for the inner work, maybe later I'll have the energy to deal with the rest of the world. Hope all stays well with you!

Thanks for your support guys!

Deirdre