Day 21

Day 21 Surf-bots!!
Gnarly dude!! ol

Happy Hump Day everyone, and happy no school Wednesday to you off -for-the- summer teachers! Yay!! Summer is officially here today right?

You know, I never really got the "humility " part in the whole AA thing. It was always a word that AA people I've known threw around a lot. I took it for religious or something. Like don't be too proud or God will knock you down a peg, or an outgrowth of Catholic guilt (love to all the guilty Catholics out there... I'm half of one! ol ) But I was thinking about the aspect of vulnerability in this journey, and thought maybe that's what they're talking about...? Being grounded enough in your spirit to be able to let go of your ego for long enough to let new ideas in. Meaning, being open - in a vulnerable state - is a necessary position for your true growth...? And the part of me that had alcohol as interest #1, had NO interest in being vulnerable to anything.

Anyway, as noted by many on these boards, it;s a place of no judgments, and that makes it a place to be safely vulnerable without risking being shamed by our peers here. I'm also learning how to be compassionate toward myself, and that helps to be open to new growth as well. Not beating myself up - handling myself with care makes it a lot easier to face things that I might not want to think about in a combative state of mind. We would do the same for someone else. Do we really need to reserve all our compassion for others? It's a bit of a mind twist, but why not?

That razor thin line between drinking & not drinking. Or the perhaps fuzzier line between moderately drinking and getting drunk. That is the line that we are constantly negotiating, slipping on, sliding across, and getting hurt and battered in the process. Maybe in order to draw that line effectively, we need to do the opposite of what might seem to make sense at first: We could try to open ourselves instead of closing ourselves? Embrace ourselves instead of steeling ourselves against the part of us that wants to drink to excess...? Face our fears instead of letting them control our thoughts & actions? Maybe? Maybe not? Hmmm...

Hard to explain some of these thoughts, but I hope you get the idea.


Have a great day Surfers!!! :P &

Deirdre

There came a time when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.
-Anais Nin

Morning All,

Good thoughts Deirdre! I can say from my personal experience that the risk of facing your fears instead of letting them control your thoughts and actions is by far the better choice! (in my opinion) It may not always be the easiest road to choose, but in the long run you will save yourself much pain and anguish by meeting those fears head-on and putting them to rest!

Have a great day all!

Donna

Thanks for acknowledging that I was in a funk yesterday, Deirdre.... Unfortunately, I seem to have woken up feeling even worse today... I just feel cranky and alone for some reason, even here. I'm sure this is just me being overly sensitive but there it is.

I really appreciate your advice to face our fears rather than let them control our thoughts--I'll try to use that today. Right now, I'm feeling very vulnerable and fearful of asking for help because I'm afraid I won't get it. For some reason, I'm just sitting here crying and feeling totally worthless and pathetic. There's no real danger of me going out and buying wine or whatever, but I so remember how this sort of thing would trigger me to do just that.

Right now, though, I'm going to try and pull myself together and get to this conference I was supposed to begin yesterday...I'm already late for today's session, but I need to show up if only for my own self esteem...of course, the way I've been feeling the past couple of days I'm sure that nobody would miss me if I wasn't there at all. And even in my present state of mind I can see that that reeks of self-pity...

Thanks for "listening"--
susan

Hi Susan,

I just popped in really quick before I took off for some business and saw your post. I am sorry you are having such a hard time! I caught up with your post from yesterday too. Ya know I agree with Deirdre in that I don't think there is anything wrong with taking a break from all the hard work of recovery. Every day can't be all sunshine and smiles as much as we would like it to be that way.

I am glad you are going to go to the conference today as I do think it will be good for your self esteem and I believe that you will be missed even though you don't believe that now.

One of my greatest fears is asking for help because I too am afraid I won't get the help I need. Sometimes I am surprised when I put myself out there and ask...even if the only way I can ask is in the form of a prayer. At times, I have written a letter to my husband and asked him for help that way. Somehow it doesn't seem quite as frightening.

I also think that crying is a great source of healing Susan...so let it rip...before you put your makeup of course!

I hope your day gets better!! Hang in there!

Donna :d

F.E.A.R.-----false evidence appearing real.......:rolleyes

I have battled this demon since my son was in Iraq. At times the demon won but................I posted a verse on my computer, on my tv and anywhere else I could see it. It is "God has not given the spirit of fear, but of power love and a sound mind"...And........"Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you:not as the world giveth. Let not your heart be troubled-neither let it be afraid". This was the only way I had to not go nuts at that time...I still can't watch the news much but it's much better now and drinking only numbed me for a couple hours!

Sorry didn't mean to "preach"......just sharing whats in my heart.

Going to the lake today with grand-daughters. Much happiness!! Whis that for you today also.

Nancy:d

Susan--

Hang in there--know that many people are here for you. I am sending you positive engergy thoughts right now--hope that they find you and help you feel a little better.

I can guarantee that you are not worthless or pathetic. Those are just feelings--not what you are. Who you really are is many times misrepresented in our own heads.

Great big cyber hug!

I just love all you guys. :D I'm doin pretty good, happy, kids are good, I'm on day 15. WOW!!!! Happy day to everybody. See ya later. gabby

Deirdre,
You have a wonderful poetic and philosophical spirit, and you articulate thoughts and feelings so well....It's so important to focus on the positive while we are learning and healing...I am reminded by you and will live today just in the positive...thank you...
Anni

Hey ya'll,

Day 16 here. 15 down.

Man, I'm pooped already and it's only 4 here. Been buzy with company and extra teens loafing about. I did manage to get my swim in by taking them all with me! Why not? Anything I gotta do to keep getting "better", I'll do. I take this intensive 6 week plan very seriously... Like my own personal rehab... Gotta stick to the schedule!

Susan? I'm sorry you're in such a funk today. Can ya do me a favor? When that noisey little voice inside tells you that you're worthless and that nobody cares... Tell it to STEP OFF JACK!!! Cuz that's sooooooo the opposite of the truth. Call "it" out if ya have to ... Talk to "it". Confront "it" with the truth. Call "it" the LYING SON OF A BISCUIT EATER that it is. Sounds crazy... but ... Uhmmm... Ya got anything BETTER to do tonight? And don't say ya gotta wash your hair... We love ya, Susan! You mean a lot to us here!

HAPPY NOT HUNGOVER WEDNESDAY YA'LL!

Ohhhhh Susan,:d

This too shall pass. My Dad always told me that and I thought it was such a dumb thing to say. Until lately. The older I get, the more I see how right he was.

Don't discount the physical reasons for the blues either. I get very down right before my period (sorry fellas). I almost always drank like a fish during that time all throughout my drinking career. My friend who is 7 years older than me gets downright suicidal during her time of the month, it's horrible to watch. Hormones can be cruel. But soon the sun shines again and she's brand new. Not that that's the issue for you Susan, but maybe someone else could relate.

I give myself permission to lose those days sometimes knowing the next day brings promise. I wish you peace and comfort.

Deirdre,
Anni is so right about your way with words. I envy yours and Donna's ablility to articulate so beautifully feelings into words.
What a gifted group we have.

Love,
Lori