Day 25

Day 25 surfers!

Keep surfin'! :y

Thanks all for the birthday wishes! I had a good day - a little power shopping at my favorite cheapo-chic retailers, then dinner out w/ my 2 brothers and a friend, where we had heated arguments about whether facts exist, and Rush Limbaugh, and fluoride. Opinions were flying as usual in my fam. It was fun, but the first time I've been around people who were drinking heavily - maybe 3 or 4 drinks over dinner. My older bro recently started drinking again after 10 years of sobriety (AA style) so I'm pretty worried about him. It makes me apprehensive b/c he was an ugly drunk back in the day. He says he's a different person now, so his drinking isn't the same, whatever that means. I haven't really talked to him about it - I will though when I figure out what to say. I don't want him to think I'm criticizing, I just want him to know there are options...? and I don't want to see him get hurt. I worry about both of them I don't know why. I'm the middle kid out of the three of us. I know they can & do take care of themselves, but for some reason, I feel like I should help... do what? I'm not sure...
Anyway, it's nice to be back home now knowing I have just added to my experience as an abstainer in the midst of drinking scenarios. One thing I was afraid of was being "uptight" you know the way teetotalers are perceived to be, but actually I'm more relaxed not drinking than I ever was drinking.


PR, good job on no wine & passing up the nightcap! Gosh, you're doing great & making some really important changes. Yes, I think loving yourself will come too. For some reason, I really don't know what the connection is, but supposedly it's common for women who are problem drinkers to have low self esteem (yuck, I hate saying that!). I didn't ever think I really had that, but as I got into this abs thing I started to see it. Well anyway, I bought a hypno cd on Amazon geared to improving it, actually it's called "Unleash Your True Potential" and it is making a difference in the way I think about myself. It's really interesting the way my self image is shifting. I use it in combination w/ the MWO cd's - it's a wallop of positivity for my subconscious. I would absolutely recommend using a cd like this to anyone interested in upgrading from the old you to the new & improved version.

Great to see you here Marcie! We miss you too! :d

Well, I hope to have a chance to catch up on posts today. Catch ya later folks! :p

Deirdre

A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval.
Mark Twain

NOT a good morning y'all.

Woke up yesterday so full of gratitude I literally was crying and praising the Lord for getting my life back. I even emailed RJ to thank her for helping me to be "alive" again... I painted an accent wall in the foyer, which looks stunning BTW, while hubby checked off a few things on his "hunney doo" list.

Later, hubbie and I went on our "date". I guess "stainers" go to the movies and eat popcorn, candy and soda. On the way home I got to jonesin' for a drink. Hubbie was kewel and supportive in the way he diverted us from going to the "local" for the drink I found myself asking for.

Long story short... I drank after everyone went to bed. GAAAAAAAAAAAAH! The purpitrator and the victim, Deirdre.

How? How did this happen? I'm soooo confused!!!

True to form... I've spent all night cleaning and making the house look nice so I can justify being up all night. To justify that it wasn't all about me drinking... That MAYBE... just maybe it was about me getting the "cleaning bug" when hubbie wakes up and asks... "Where the hell were you last night? You never came to bed."

I REAAAAAAAAAALLLLLYYY thought about NOT telling y'all... But WTF. It's not like you won't "get it"! RIGHT?

Now... Can you help me? I feel so defeated...

Gabby? You are sooooooo much stronger than me. You keep it up girl. Ya hear me? I NEED you to stay strong!

An unhappy ... gonna be hungover as h*ll Sunday

Jane,

For whatever, you drank last night. This does not make you worthless, or a faliure, or weak, or whatever other name you are throwing at yourself this morning. It makes you human, and apparently, it gives a clean house!

Listen, I don't know why you drank, but I do know that it happens to the best of us. If abs is truly what you want, try examing your goals. Take a look at where you see yourself at the end of the day, tomorrow, the end of the week, and even into next month. What do you see?

This isn't a race Jane, and as I have said a million times before, we are ALL works in progress here. It takes time to figure out this new life, and it IS a journey. As with any journey there are bound to be a few bumps in the road. That doesn't mean we pack up our bags and go home! It means we adjust our plan a bit.

You have been doing so incredibly well since you have come to MWO. You have been full of excitement, and life, and enthusiasm! Don't let one night whipe all of that out. It certainly does not have to if you don't let it!!

I know you you feel like crud this morning, but this too shall pass! Today is new day, and tomorrow is as well! Take a look at where you are going and where you want to end up, ok? Hang in there with us Jane! God gave "tomorrows" for a reason. Use yours to start anew!

Big hugs to you! :d

Donna

Hi Jane and All,

Big hugs to you, Jane...we can't keep climbing up 'cause then we'd run out of mountains to climb...I don't know...not much help, I'm afraid. The thought of what I was going to post this morning kept me decent last night...I was DD and hubby was the one tipsy and taking tylenol this morning - a complete change from before. I do feel PR and alive...very different from previous Sunday mornings. I think it IS key to not beat ourselves up anymore...it doesn't help us to move forward...i didn't totally abstain last night but i didn't feel guilty, either...everything in moderation, although i am aiming for abstinence daily - just 24 hrs at a time, sometimes an hour at a time...or 30 minutes! My 17 yr old 'baby' is receiving her highschool diploma today and i'm a little unsettled emotionally...it is a good thing but a new phase in life, for sure...i have 2 more daughters so still plenty to keep busy with and out of trouble

Now who will come and clean my house for me?
PR
thanks for being here for me!

Oh my gosh Jane do I ever miss my drinks when I clean. As a matter of fact.....I dont think I have cleaned the house in 19 days. Well, actually that would be more like 22 days cuz I was drinkin heavily those few days before I started to make sure I got some extra beer time in. Knowing I was gonna start. Jane I wish I was as strong as it looks. Hell....I'm shockin myself. I feel proud yet....its like I hear the devil right there tellin me I'm gonna fail. And each time I read one of you guy'z post about slippin......I know my turn is comin too. Weird. I don't see myself as strong. Instead, very vulunerable. Dang....I'm scared. Having these feelings, show me that I really do have a problem that I have to beat. Right now I wish I could give you a great big hug and have a good cry with ya. Just gotta "keep on fightin" wheather ya slip or not. Wheather ya stay on abs or binge for a month. Good thing we have our conscience to make us seek out help and support. Its when we stop listening that voice inside that gets us into trouble. So Jane.....and all of us here....Our inside voice still works, or we wouldn't be here......so hey, we're still in the good. So just "keep on fightin". And remember this post so you can copy and paste it to me when its my turn. Hopefully not to soon.
Donna, you are so sweet. : )
PR, your doin good. Love that mountains sentence. Thats a true one. Your past a weekend. So thats good.
Love all you guys. Hope ur day is good. Gabby

I thought of something else. I think of all you guys and think its good that we dont live near one anther. Cuz....what if we ALL had a WTF day together? Boy....that would be one big party. Not that it wouldnt be fun, but I think its much better that we all arent on the same WTF day schedule's.
Don't you all think so too? That would be a funny new thread. "What would a WTF day be like if we all did it together?" ha (RJ would ghostie us all)
ok....getting back to whatever I was doin before that crazy thought came into my whacked head. bye gab

New Bumper Sticker:

National WTF Day
At MWO
AA'ers Welcome!

ok......bye, bye, bye
see ya.....I'm gone.

I am gonna go for tomorrow as day 1 sober, even w/out the topa.........I have had it, feel like @#%$!!! I feel like a failure too............I want to detox myself, but am afraid to because of the way I will feel! gabb, you are doing great, and all of you are doing better than me.............still waiting for the book, which I thought I would receive yesterday(but our mail service SUCKS!!!) I hope top receive my topa in (what, a month??)

All for now, sorry so depressing!

Mary Anne:c

That's hilarious Gabby! You're a generous spirit to invite the AA-ers to our WTF day!

Jane, wow... I feel for you girl. I think you got some really great feedback above, and I'm sure you'll be thinking more clearly about what happened when you're finished feeling like sh*t. As you know we can ALL empathize with you on getting snagged, broadsided, blindsided, bent up or whatever. Somehow this brain of ours can find ways to override our long term goals with it's short term desires. And it feels like an obsession that won't go away until you feed it. But you are doing great overall Jane so don't discount all the accomplishments you have under your belt. You can use this as an opportunity to get more info about what triggers you to drink, and be more prepared for the ambush next time!

I know you're doing the program, so is there anything you want to rev up? Anything that you feel would reinforce everything you're already doing? Be it exercise, supps, meds, cd's or something else you think could help? Maybe something to relieve stress too, on a regular basis, like a biweekly massage or a yoga class or what ever works for you to get decompressed. Maybe howling at the moon...?

I'm glad you shared with us, it's very brave of you to come here and type today. That in itself is an accomplishment, just coming right back & getting it all out in the open. You are not defeated! Just get right back on the wagon and keep going, And don't forget you have us, you can always come here and find someone to chat with until the urge passes - easier said than done in the heat of the moment of course, but good to remember! So put that on your check list the next time you feel like you're about to go off course - it could make all the difference!

:d Hope you feel better soon!! :d

Deirdre

Ahh MaryAnne,
It doesnt sound like failure to me as much as motivation to get started. So thats good! I tried ezmessageing you and it isnt working.I dont know what I doin wrong. Cant make the address book work either. Whats anther address I can message u at? Gab