day 29

Stinking thinking is as durable as crabgrass. It pops right back up almost as soon as we weed it out. Like real weeds old thinking patterns are alive and deeply rooted...
Keeping them down takes stubborness also. Willingsness to keep at it is key. Instant control is not possible, nor is final and absolute eradication. Because we are human, our thoughts will always be somewhat wayward and disorganized; our feelings will be excessive at some moments and inappropriate at others. Perfection isn't one of our choices(or strong points ), -no matter how hard we try!!
Magnificient gardens arent beautiful only because the flowers are so pretty- they're beautiful because someone's willing to nurture them... :d

Don't get me wrong ... I've got plenty of weeds !!ol .. but still got roses!!... & a few Raspberries!:D

I WISH I could say I had stinking thinking last night!!! I actually had NO THINKING!! I DIDN'T THINK! A friend came over and I had a bottle of wine, thinking we would split it, but she brought a couple of wine coolers. Well, without thinking I just drank the wine myself. The real rub is that yesterday, I went up to 250 mg topa. What the F**?? I don't get it!! Instead of my desire to drink being inhibited, I seemed to be getting MORE animated!

I'm pissed off at myself, but also scared...Not sure what to do here. I AM going to Border's today and Getting Seven Weeks to Sobriety to further my understanding of this addiction. I have other things I want to do today, including listening to the hypno CD's, and I am going to stick with them. As I type, I am eating a GOOD breakfast (lowfat cottage cheese and strawberries).

Last but not least, in keeping with some of Judie's affirmations and meditations, I am not judging myself solely on my drinking successes/failures. I am so much more than my drinking! I screwed up last night, and I'm pissed off at myself. But I am still good and worthy of love:d and I'm going to love myself and try and do a damn sight better at taking care of myself than I've been doing!!!

If any of you have any thoughts or suggestions, I am very open to them!

Love and hugs,:d
Kathy

Good Morning all,

Judie, gotta love those meditations! 12 lbs from running your butt off huh?!! That is great.

Kathy, look at it this way, before the program, you weren't even aware of the amount you drank - right? Hang in there, you can do this!! I think I am running much more into my head game as opposed to actually feeling the cravings. It is for me that stinking thinking I am sure! Thanks for the gum tip. This is also a head game on smoking as I have stopped it in the car, outside my office everywhere except at home on the couch in the evening. No one except you guys and my husband even knows I still smoke.

No test results back on anyone yet, I am slammed today and will try to get back here later this afternoon. I am hoping that all you mods are doing well today.

Lots of Hugs and Love,
Mary

Hey Everybody, ... Well I must admit, I've been in a bit of a "Hormonal Headspace" the past few days... Just kinda blah...& headachy:( . I did get out & kayak yesterday afternoon, that seemed to help. Guess that's my "cure-all" for every thing! My doggie hung 10 on a little wave! It was pretty funny! He just stood right on the bow while we were surfing it!ol Sure looked like he was smiling!
I think I usually feel more like drinking when my "fun Gift-from God" strikes every month...:rolleyes ... Not looking forward to waiting tables while I have that to deal with... hopefully it wont be as bad as last month.:evil Better keep the steak knives outa my reach!ol
Don't I sound like the little "snivveller" today? :o

Ok ... hopefully, got that outa my system...

But, yeah Kathy, like Mary says, at least you're aware of how much you're drinking now. Rather than not even thinking about it...:rolleyes I'd call that progress. We still love ya!

Mary, I'm praying you get some great test results back. You sure have been thru so much lately. :d Thinking of your folks too

Ok, hope everybody has a great day, I'm gonna try & be more positive, from here on in!:p :P :d Judie

Wishing you all the best, and Kathy, just hang in there, I am new to this and have MUCH faith that it will work for me, it better, cuz nothing else has....I am hopeless if it doesn't so keep posting and doing everything we are supposed to and I am positive it will "kick in"|I
REMEMBER: you are not in this aone, that heps!!:D :d

Mary, I don't know what you are going through, as I am still new, but wish you the best..:d

Judie, thanks for the topic, self talk can take me places that are REALLY dangerous for me!:( :eek

Mary Anne

Yes, please hang in there Kathy. You have gone so long and done so well with the moderation. So many nights of abs or with a glass or two... one day where you had 4 or 5...yes, at least you were counting! And you are angry with yourself, and like I said yesterday, you know exactly what to do.
Now with the topa thing.... that's probably cuz the 250 wasn't built up in your system yet? I would imagine.
Don't backslide, girl! You can do this. One night of a couple more than usual is hardly cause for the rescue squad...(that's my warped opinion, anyhow!! )

OK, here's my count: Since sunday:
10.75 miles ran
11 drinks!! ha ha ha!! pretty dang close race, gang!
I looked at my diary, and by thursdays the last few weeks, I was into the high teens, so it's an improvement. And the running, that's way up there! yippee! Hold your hats now.. It's almost 6pm and I need to take my supps now. Been feeling quite blue really this week. Kinda feeling a cross between these guys:| >: :rolleyes :c . Some self esteem issues creeping up (I think prompted by some comments husband has made... I should just let them roll off or tell him to F off.... either way... guess I'm just not that strong yet or something).
ANYHOW. I'm gonna take my supps, wait a half hr or so, then I am opening some wine. I will behave! I'll be damned if I gotta run 8 miles in the morning to make up for itol
ACTUALLY, my 8 miler is planned for Sat AM to help keep my outta trouble Fri night. Don't wanna feel that guilt of missing another AM run cuz I have a dang headache:x . Do think it was a lot of my girly-gift too (Judie, thinking about you...keep the steak knife in the drawer...)

Love,
Becca

Judie, I sent you a message.

Well, Kid is going to Europe with back pack, knee brace, ice pack, and a list of physical therapy exercises! His MRI showed every ligament stretched but not one torn! WAAAAHOOOOOOO:rollin

My mom, didn't do so well. They are having her come back in this afternoon to go over her biopsy results. I am trying not to freak but if it was all good and clean I think they would have said, see you next week to get your stitches out.

thanks all of you for your prayers and loving thoughts. I better hit the CD's the second I get home tonight because I sure feel like drowning out the bad stuff going on around me.

:d :P Mary