can't think of a good title

[Skid Row]

Openheart (cool name) and clearly it applies to you. Thanks for the response. I know this makes sense, and I also get that his criticism is justified, what I can't get him to see is that he is actually heading down the same road. I have periods of abstinence, he never does, mind you he never gets off his head like me. I find that when he moans at me it makes me worse. I also know that I need to blame someone other than myself (lol). Always good to pass your failings on. I am serious this time. I have had so many close shaves, where things could have gone so terribly wrong that I look back with relief that all is still well. I awoke this morning (couldn't sleep at all last night) with a real feeling of triumph, really had a little run in with that Al guy last night, he lurks in my fridge and on my wine rack taunting me. I find boredom and loneliness kick me off as well. OMG is there nothing that doesn't make me want to have a drink :-).

[mollyka]

Skid, that is the scary scary bit for me. I can do today, tomorroow, etc ( don't give me that one day at a time shit of course its right but forever is sooooooooooo long) Al is so big in my life, it is my friend, it DOES make me feel brill loads of the time, i know the bad times, i know, i know, but that Molly that has three or four good drinks is alive! I'm 3 weeks today AF, feel knackered, bored, dead, pointless. The sad thing that is haunting me a bit at the moment is my family gave me a voucher for a weeks hol anywhere in the world as my christmas present, part of that is that my eldest will mind my youngest 15 for the week so nothing to worry about ............right.....................yeah,, I cannot think of anywhere in the universe I want to go with my husband ( he's ok by the way) for a whole week without AL. Am I for real!!!!!! I'm lookin at this garbage coming out on my computer and I feel appallled ............... but its true

[Skid Row]

mollyka, I completely understand what you say, I am about to go away - and half of me doesn't want to because I know that I will treat myself (if drinking yourself to death is a treat) and I don't want to. I just want to be a normal person who can have a few drinks and enjoy them, and then stop. But noooooooooooh, have to just have that extra 1 or 6. Messy, don't want to have any more cringey wakey moments in my life.

[toughintexas]

Wally22, that was a great post, and I think it makes us all stop and think hard about our "habits". My hubby drinks too, not as much as I do tho, he used to, and one day about a year ago, said I'm going without for awhile, I'm tired of it making me feel not as great in the morning....he put it down that day and went 6 mos! He'd watch me drink, and have iced tea, he still lots of times will have iced tea if we are on vacation, and I feel badly ordering wine. He may have a tad too much, but he just goes to sleep, I may also, OR I may start crying over something, or I might pitch a fit over something, just be annoyingly repetative, loud, or pass out. He never goes on a binge tho, and the last year and a half, due to some really bad stressors, I have....he says..."how would you like it if I couldn't get up and go to work?" We own our own pharmacy, he's right, I'm lucky to be able to help and market our vet compounding and answer questions on hormone therapy for peeps, from home. He is getting sick of it, and he wants me to just be "normal" too....God, don't I pray to just be "normal". I may be able to after doing a stint like he did, he's never drank that much again, and can take it or leave it lots of times. He's told me he never wants to come home and find me toasted, it scares him. He doesn't want me to not be able to function. He is a wonderful man, and loves me, and I know he is right, and I know he's put up with alot of crap from me because I drank too much. He is older than I am by quite a bit, but he is very active and loves to do things, and can't stand it if I'm just a basket case of hungover dookie. I drank too much on New Years Day, and he was leaving here to go back home to TX, I'm staying here with our pups for awhile longer, and he told me he was worried about leaving me here. He said he didn't want to call and hear my voice sounding crocked. I got a gift cert. for some affirm laser treatments and special facials that I'd been wanting, and he honestly said..."if you keep drinking like you are, you aren't going to keep your looks anyway, so you aren't doing yourself any favors, maybe you should just save the money"...and harsh as that is...HE IS SO RIGHT....and it really hit home that he thinks that. I look in the mirrow when I've even had that one bottle, and I do look aged! I've done alot of thinking about that...I'm a proud person, and pretty cute, and I work-out, and I don't want to ruin my looks, health and brain any longer. Its just soooo counterproductive to everything. I am a cancer survivor, and I'm going to kill my liver off this way! I eat organic and very healthy, and then poison myself and pickle myself with wine! I heard him this time, and it made an impact. I'd never binged before, its very scary, I overindulge and then can't stop sometimes, and it goes on for days, no more!!! I am just on day 1 AF, and I'm looking forward to seeing how much better I feel tomorrow, even if its just being proud of myself for making it one stinking day! Great posts everyone, thanks!

[shirazgirl]

Hi,
I too, agree with doggy girl. I could find a hundred reasons to drink and HATED it when my husband used to say "don't you remember what you did last night?" I was convinced in the end that he made stuff up because I was in wackadoodleville the previous night and blacked out and knew he could say whatever he wanted because I couldn't remember. I would give him the evil eye when he started to tell me how awful I was because, in quite honesty, deep down I knew he was probably right and didn't want to hear how unfavorable my behavior had become. I felt like I was functioning in a beast like state and was ashamed.

The bottom line is the reason why we drink is different for all of us. Mine was because I liked to be the "it" girl about town. When that turned into I must go home early so I can drink by myself and finish it off in private, that's when it became a problem. The only one that was privledged enough to see that was my spouse. Now isn't it ironic that I protected my friends from that persona but was happy to engage my husband in this turmoil and willing to turn our lives upside down from time to time. Says something about me. I am obviously comfortable with hurting the one closest to me. I now own this and take responsibility for it.

I can tell you this, it is nice waking up and not having to be defensive. It is especially nice not having to hear about my bad behavior the night before.

[mollyka]

Hi Shiraz girl. Yeah I so so agree with the going home early bit so I could pour the big drinks, no poxy little pub measures at my mates rate of drinking'. You sound so together tho: I just seem to be all over the place, good days ish bad days bored days, over 3 weeks AF this time but don't feel I'm going anywhere, can sort of feel the 'wonder could I slot in a little binge somewhere that noone knows anything about' sort of feeling comin on - just curious see you are Af since 10/2/2009 with a 'hiccup on 12/31/09' how did you get over the hiccup the next day? last time I had a hiccup it lasted 10 months!

[Doggygirl]

More good posts! And good to see you Shirazgirl sounding strong.

Mollyka, a couple of things in your posts really hit home for me. First of all, a "hiccup lasting 10 months." My original sobriety date was July 11, 2007. I made it 60 days AF, and then did the old "now I think I'm fixed and now I'll have just one..." routine. That "hiccup" lasted 8 months for me. I just struggled and struggled and struggled during that time and couldn't seem to string more than a few AF days together. That experience confirmed for me that I am an alcoholic and I cannot drink safely, ever. No more toying with the idea that this pickle can ever be a cucumber again.

I don't know about anyone else, but drinking occupied a LOT of time in my life for many years. There was the drinking itself. Then all the planning to drink. Do I have enough booze? When will I be able to commence the drinking today? Then of course there was time spent nursing hangovers, trying to make sure the world at large didn't see that I was hung over, and the mental battles about 'I'm never drinking THAT much again..." etc.

So when I stopped drinking, WOW I had a whole lot of time on my hands and not a clue what to do with myself. So it was particularly difficult to keep my mind from constantly wandering to desires for drinking, and making up reasons why it would be OK to drink.

I made a big long list of things to do. Some of it was "chore" type stuff but I made sure to include fun things too. Places I wanted to go see. (just local ones - parks, museums, etc.) Books to read. Closets to clean. Go to the gym. etc. When my mind would be consumed to the point of insanity craving booze, I could rely on my printed list to find something else to do. That saved me in the early days.

Some people can drink normally and will never become alcoholic. Some people can eat all the peanuts or shrimp they want and never become alergic to them. Some people have an adverse reaction to alcohol and others don't. I can't drink. I CAN eat peanuts and shrimp though, so life is good.

Strength and hope to all.

DG

[shirazgirl]

Hi Mollyka,
To answer your question, my minor hicup was self chosen. I had this question about moderation, since that is why I came to this website to begin with. I had been struggling with the idea after being sober for 90 days. I decided that on NYE I would have two drinks. If I didn't want anymore, there would be a chance I could moderate. Unfortunately, after two, there was a longing for a third. I didn't do it, but it put my mind at peace that I was not someone who could comfortably just walk away. I knew then that I should continue on my AF journey. My life is so much more productive and shame free this way. I sometimes miss the relaxed feeling al would bring, but I know in the long run, that this is the way for me. Hope I answered your question.

[mollyka]

Yes you answered my question. Stronger than me wanting the third etc but saying no, I'm inclined to say i've done it now lets make it worth while, wish I was you