failing sadly

[struggles]

I woke up early around 3am with the shakes and rapid heart beat. Took a xanax and went back to sleep. Got up again at 7:45am, showered, went to work. Sweats around 11am. Made it through until 5pm.

Began drinking and have consumed several beers. Promised myself I would not. I did not take the L-Glut...will it help now?

Tomorrow is another day....I am quitting now before I drink the whole 12pk.

Thanks to all of you....my priorities suck...I feel so MUCH guilt for everything...I swear I am unconciounsly trying to kill myself.....

Good night and tomorrow is at least 5 beers lighter than last!

[struggles]

I just read what I typed.

I DID NOT mean thanks to all of you that my priorities suck, etc.

I meant, Thank you all and I am focused on what sucks and my emotions.

SORRY.. I did not mean to offend anyone.

drink, gulp, swallow.....shit! every time I feel bad, I drink!

[river0123]

I've heard there are special angels just for children. . . I now believe there is a whole army of them specifically for children whose mother's drink too much. I am so ashamed of the many, many times I do not remember putting the kids to bed, or myself for that matter. I've woken up to check that they are still warm. Thank God and those special angels that my husband and I did not roll over them in our sleep when they were babies and shared out bed. So many of my friends are always racing to the emergency room (usually evenings) for the usual kid bumps and bruises. Knock on wood, I've never made a trip there, which is a lucky thing as I would have been too impaired to drive. I even managed to get the kids picked up for dances, school events, church so that I could stay near the liquor cabinet.

It is so liberating to know now that if I am needed somewhere, I can go and not worry about driving drunk (which I never did, I just stayed put). I remember every evening, every word said in my last 28 days AF, so that makes this struggle very much worth it! And it actually hasn't been as tough as I imagined. Sure, there were tough days, but keep checking back and you will find so much strength and support here.

Oh, and yes, the L-Glut does help even if you're already drinking. Before I started to try 30 days AF, I took that while I drank and I did cut down. But the last time I drank and didn't take it - Yikes. Begin of day one!

Be well, wishing you strength.

[AAthlete]

You know, it is okay to forgive yourself....

It sucks to be in the position that you are - most if not all of us have been there. I know it's easy to say and hard to do but don't beat yourself up so badly. Wake up tomorrow, and just focus on it. The past is history and you can't do anything about it so try and let it go.

You can do it.....

[madge22]

Hi Struggles... I am very new - just 3 days AF now. Sounds like you've hit bottom and are trying to figure out how to start working your way out. That's a really good sign! I'm guessing you don't like yourself very much at this point and you're in a spiral of depression, much of it brought on by alcohol and that feeling you've lost control. Been there! I am just beginning to learn that we have to learn to "live in the now"... as others are saying, that may just be the next 15 minutes when you reach for a sparkling water and cranberry juice or club soda or some chamomile tea instead of those beers... or you go do your nails for 15 minutes or put on some make-up... small choices that will help you see you can make choices. Each time you make a choice it will give you strength to make the next one and the next one. You say you have babies... have you talked to your doctor about post-partem depression? I had a friend who had two babies and had become quite depressed, couldn't sleep and was constantly tired and sleep deprived... it took years for the doctors to realize she had post-partem depression. Once it was treated, many of her other problems cleared. It's worth checking into. As others have said, lots of multi-vitamins, kudzu, milk thistle, etc. Add the exercise even 5 minutes at a time... just a short walk in the fresh air.

[Gyco]

hi struggles,good name,youve started which is good,your here,no better support,tht ive found,been ther and bak many times,im not on supps or any kind of meds,i guess im fortunate mayb,some people say you have to hit bottom,i think when you come here u hav,but as ive found you can come here and your not judged,good advise STOP,or MODERATE,the process has already started ,stoppinwith the amount your drinkin,could be scary,and unhealthy,id say see a doctor,but unless they hav the training in addiction,they havent got a clue,keep comin here just to talk and get support thts the 1st step,gyco

[bestlifeldms]

Struggles,

I came to check on you today and see how you are doing. Believe me when I say I have been where you are. You are aware of your situation, you are not in denial and you are not blaming someone or something else. That is Huge! You are trying! That is Huge, too! Because of that, you are not failing!

I always say that I was the queen of "Try and try again". That is not a bad thing. You have a great situation, in that your children are young and you have the opportunity to change this now. I wish I could go back, but we know that is not possible. So, I am grateful that I stopped when I did and can go forward from that day on.

Just keep trying. And know that you are cared for here!

Love and support, Best

[me145]

hey girl, i understand you. im down right now. drinking pretty much daily. feel so depressed, from the drinking mostly, but im depressed somewhat even if ive stopped drinking for awhile, partly why i find it hard to give up completely. the sad part is, ill take the kudzu for awhile, and it takes the fun out of drinking, so i eventually stop takinhg it. right now i feel ill take it and who cares, its not like drinking is fun anymore anyway, but ill stop again. ugh, this is horrible, and my dad is such a dick about it. im 26, still living at home so they are on top of me about it. ( he drinks daily also, but has it more under control)

[jessie]

Hi Struggles, all I can add is a conversation I overheard while at the supermarket about 30 minutes ago. A young guy answered his mobile phone and there must have been some invitation because he said loudly and clearly..." I don't drink anymore, but you can have the wine..." I nearly dropped my basket. And here I am still struggling to tell friends that I have a problem with alcohol??? What a wow moment. As simple as that...I don't drink anymore...!!!

[KateH1]

Jessie, It really is that easy! I have no problem telling anyone that I choose not to drink! No explainations, no apologising.

By the way.....thank you for sharing this!! I love it!!

Kate