I am just a basket case

[southernbelle47]

Beth
Just want to you and say never give up.
I watched "The Last Lecture" on tv last night.
What a spirit that guy has....he fought a good fight right up to the end.
There is Hope...
Don't give up....
Read and watch some inspiring stuff......turn off the news and down stuff...put on some joyful music and dance...get moving girl.

I love you.
Nancy

[4theboyz]

Well Beth, you are good company if you can call it that!

I guess if I had to try and put a finger on all this, is you are at the hardest part of abstinence from this crazy beast. I am saying this because of my own struggles and all the time I have spent here. I feel I have distilled down one very important component of ones life that I believe drives us to do the things we must not do or should do is not being honest with ourselves and more importantly, about ourselves.

We all know problem drinking is very bad, and it sure doesn't help having some say a glass of red wine is *good* for you. But for those of us struggling here *any* alcohol is every part of just plain not good for you *Period*!

Beth, you and the rest of us who have suffered the agony of withdrawal and those painful early days of abstinence know full well that we *can* do it and *not* drink alcohol. We did it and for many of us, we have done it for long periods of time. So here we are scratching our heads, "why do I still drink"??

This is where the being honest part comes in. I believe we end up drinking because we are not yet fully honest about why we are having that drink. Underneath it all there are these secret reasons we are avoiding or simply not yet strong enough to deal with those issues.

At least I know this holds true for me. Beth, like you I have a good life, great by many standards if you will. So as I sift through all these good parts, some unfun, less than good things are there. Some I can't do anything about or at the very least if I did it would greatly affect the good things in my life.

But after facing my own drinking issues, I am learning more about myself, facing and accepting these issues and feel that once I do come clean and become truly honest with myself about these issues, I will have the strength I need to never ever drink again.

I bookmarked a page from here that resonated with me and opened my eyes to this possibility of being honest and sober from a lady here who has arrive at a place I hope to be someday. When I get down or struggle I read it and gain hope. Read about it here if you wish...
Two years sober for me today

Beth I know we all can do this.

[time2change]

Beth
I just wanted to say that I am thinking about you today. I hope that you never give up and that you fight this for as long as it takes. Make a promise to your self that you will never give up. Then do whatever you need to do to beat this.
We'll be here to support you every step of the way.

[REPETE]

It is like there are two.........at least..different people living inside me. The one that wants to be a pirate and not give a shit, and then theres the one who wants to be sober, a high achiever, doing the "right things''and gathering an arsenel of self esteem. It has been called a YING /YANG by the chinese for centuries. No matter what you call it...It is two enemies living under one roof that are almost always fighting. lately it has been getting worse, and is turning into a real horror show. I barely make it to work some mornings, and more often than not I am very hung over and depressed. This is a reaL SHITTY way to live...I..We deserve to treat ourselves better. I also have attended many AA meetings over the years, been to rehab back in 1984, alcohol councelors, you name it. I will not give up. If I cannot completely quit I must come to some kind of terms with it. Everyone who has a substance abuse problem is in a very lonely place...no matter how many people are around you......GOD BLESS YOU.....

[Lucy Van Pelt]

Wow...

Amazing, incredible, support here. Capt...sorry, but I have to say that the hugs, offers to talk on the phone, etc. do not enable me but give me strength that I cannot seem to find in myself.

I woke up this morning and did not immediately remember that I even posted. Then when it occurred to me I got on and began to read. I do NOT remember posting a second time last night, but after all I drank I am not suprised.

I have really given thought to all your words. Some thing that resonated with me particularly was in regards to why I drink again after some period of abstinence. Yes, the beast tells me..."see, you are fine...you can stop, so have a drink". How incredibly stupid that is.

Also, about "how functional are you really?" Well, I do "function", and I do have so many blessings in my life, but I am wasting those blessings when I drink. I really can't appreciate them. I am either hungover or numb with alcohol most the time. And absolutely I am affecting my relationships with family members, who may not know the details of my drinking (how often, how much) but clearly know I struggle, have found hidden alcohol, etc. and so I know I am hurting those I love the most. The shame, horror, deep disappointment in and of itself is just horrible.

My kids are coming home from a trip out of state tomorrow. I don't want them to come home to this. I am going to start on Antabuse again today, because that is how I was as close to successful as I ever have been. Am I scared? To death. I have tried and tried and failed so many times, and with each failure, I feel knocked down a little further. But I have to do this. I don't have a choice.

Also, I apologize for something. I don't often post here. Well, I post when I am at very low points. I also post on those rare times that I am having success. But I don't come on and post during the more typical days of my life...when I am in the drinking cycle. I need to do that more. I am sorry.

Thank you so much to everyone who posted, pm'd me, etc. It means so much.

I will stick around here more regularly.

Well, here it goes.

Beth

[A Work in Progress]

Hey, Cap, I'm glad you said all that, it is actually somewhat along the lines of what I was thinking last night, but did not say... I am too new here to say stuff like that, but I sometimes get a bit frustrated with the drama and angst, too. Hard to find a balance between "support" and "challenge" ...

I hope you do get back on board here, Beth, I'd like to get to know you...

wip

[Gia]

There is always some sort of drama; that is the way it is with people and alcohol. It alters your personality, the way you react to certain things and situations, the emotions you go through. The important thing to remember is that everyone reacts differently to things; and that we are all going through different phases in life which lead us to act differently. There are people here from every walks of life and all raised differently, and to them it's not drama. To them it's their life and they are trying to get through it the way they know how. Afterall, all we want is to be happy and to be at peace with who we are.

[Noelle]

Ah, Beth...I'm there with you. I'm finding the older I get, the more urgent it gets to become sober. And it's hard.....and I'm one lazy bitch.

I also wish I had tried harder when I was younger. I've missed a lot of things because of drinking. I live with regret every day.

Please don't grow up like me. Because you will, ya know?

And BTW, I'm on day 4. Join me?

& Beth

[bestlifeldms]

Beth,

Agreed, the whole thing sucks! Our whole lives we achieved by listening to our internal voice say "I can do this, I can do this!". Because of that we are successful, well respected, blah, blah, blah... And as you say - functioning alcoholics. There came a time when I needed to stop listening to my internal voice. I needed to realize that "I can't do this! I can't overcome this on my own." That is when things started to come to a head for me. And believe me, right before I quit, I was drinking more than ever. As much as I may have thought that no one else realized, I have found out that everyone knew. I made my trip to VT. 8 days AF. I knew either way, it was over! You CAN do this. I agree with Cap. I spent way too much time analizing, reading, etc. It still comes down to a pretty plain and simple solution. STOP! Period! I'm sending you all the love and support that I have to give!

Sherry

[Noelle]

Good post Sherry! I agree (well, that's why it's good). I dislike all that reading and analyzing because it hasn't done *me* personally any good at all! Enough!!!!

Try it with me Lucy.....come on!!!!!!!!