I am so mad at myself.......

[universal]

Hi guys......

Okay, this is stupid.......but I need to vent.....

So. I started dating my BF in October of 2006. In the summer of 2007 he basically treated me like crap.....treated me more like a #$# friend than a GF. But I stuck by him. Anyway, since January of this year things have been amazing but I haven't really gotten over the way he treated me last summer. My therapist says I need to discuss this with him which I know I do but I just haven't gotten up the courage to do so yet.

Anyway, last summer he went on a boating trip with a couple of friends, I found out after that another girl went as well, it upset me, I knew that she liked him blah, blah. whatever. Well last night I found emails from last summer that his friend had sent him that had basically shown that they had planned this whole thing so that he and this other girl could be together. Shared sleeping quarters the whole nine yards. I know they didn't have sex because my BF and I had discussed this last year after I had found out they were on the boat together because I had found an email that they had kissed and I believe him that this is all that happened but he had also told me that it was an accidental thing that they had all "happened to be on the boat together. Now I find out that it was planned. So while I do still believe that they didn't have sex, I am feeling really upset because we had been dating then for 9 months and he basically had planned to be with another girl for a weekend. Like i said, he treated me horribly last summer, things have been great for the past 7 months but i need him to acknowledge how awful and hurtful he was to me last year and to apologize before I can move on in this relationship. When we met he had just gotten out of a long term relationship so I can appreciate that maybe he we got together too soon and maybe he needed some time to "sow his wild oats" so too speak before getting into something else. I just wish he would have been honest with me instead of acting like we were in a relationship if he needed time to figure out what he needed, you know? I don't know, I'm rambling here. It just hurt. Last summer hurt. I guess I just need to get over it. I dont' know. Sorry for the ramble. Just need to vent I guess.

[one2many]

Uni,

I can totally understand why you are so upset, it is perfectly natural to feel like that. You feel betrayed and deceit is never nice.In fact it can be quite damaging in a relationship especially if not spoken about.

I was in a situation very similar myself years ago and I know how things swim around in your head..the niggly little doubts...the fear that the doubts may have some truth..the hurt that he went behind your back and planned the whole thing......

I don't think you can move on unless you speak to him about it, your mind will always be wondering and the relationship cannot move along when there is this doubt and hurt in your mind.

I suggest that you sit him down, let him know exactly how you feel and ask him for just one thing...his honesty.....(write it all down if you want before you sit down with him..like where you want to start..how to broach the subject etc and have a look over this before you sit down to talk....get it straight in your head.)

I really hope this works out for you hon, God knows you must really be hurting but hopefully this "talk" will get everything out in the open, once and for all...you you can decide what to do.

Hope it all goes your way....let us know hon and ...good luck!

Love,
o2m

[lukalee]

I think you're going to get a lot of different opinions here. Do you think you might be sabotaging a good thing? You stuck with this man when he was a complete jerk. He treated you like a *&^% buddy; maybe that was what it was at the time; it was ONLY 9 months and a year ago. Your relationship has developed, and you state things are going really great.
You said that you don't think he had sex with her, so continue to believe that and let it go. Honestly, if a guy I was dating came to me about something that happened a year ago when our relationship was first developing, I would question the integrity of the relationship. I would always be looking for the what next?

[universal]

Thanks guys for your responses - Lukalee - I hear you. I know what you mean about the what next. I think the reason why it is hard for me to let go is that last summer he verbalized that he loved me and that we were in a relationship yet his actions spoke differently.........so I guess there in lies the hurt and the confusion. I dont' know. I do understand what you are saying. The internalization in my mind is hurting as part of me wants to just let it go but the other part of me can't because I do feel really betrayed and I'm just not sure what to do.

Anyone else have any opinions? Please feel free to share them, I'd really like to hear your thoughts, good or otherwise.

thanks,
Uni

[lukalee]

Uni, I just speak this way because I am the same exact way. I know how it is to want to let things go, but it just reels in the mind. Even though you have this new information, you knew about the lie a year ago. I can't imagine the pain of carrying something that long. Well I can because I do, but I just think that people shouldn't have the power to make us feel so bad.

[Gia]

I think you should get it out in the open before it really eats at you and it's all you can think about it. My past marriage was filled with lots of secrets, there was no communication and just a lot of misunderstanding which turned into nothing but resentment. If it's bothering you, you should talk to him about it. So what if it was last summer, you're still hurt and you want answers.

[AAthlete]

Gia hit the nail on the head...

By keeping it inside of you and not telling him how you feel you can build up a ton of resentments, which can affect your life in lots of bad ways. I would sit down with him and tell him exactly how you feel without bringing up the email thing. It is all connected with the same event and you need to talk about what happened and have him understand how you feel. His response will say wonders to where his head is at now - and it will then be up to you to choose to forgive or to move on. That is something you'll need to figure out on your own....

[jessie]

This is definitely going to provoke a lot of different responses. I would be very concerned about his integrity - Is/was he basically an honest person? Who then made a mistake. This is your life - a bad relationship can ruin a lot of that life for you.
All the best.

[universal]

Hi Jessie,

I think that he is basically an honest person...I am hoping for a lot of different responses as I am kind of in a turmoil as to different ways to handle it. I have had a lot of pain in relationships in the past and as a 34 year old woman I am looking for others experience to help me best decide the appropriate way to approach this with him as I do know that I need to discuss it. I think not letting him know that I saw things on his computer is probably best but i do think that I do need to discuss it with him as it is eating me up inside. Thank you so much everyone for your responses and advice, you have really helped me.

[universal]

Do you guys think I should let him know what I saw? Or just talk to him about the fact that I haven't forgotten about the pain from last summer? What do I do?