Warning...pretty pitiful

[JMT]

Pass...

[Chief]

Cuddles.....

I'm sorry to hear about your marriage problems. I hope you can work things out...

But listen to me......your marriage has nothing to do with whether you drink or not. Until now, you have allowed The Beast to use your marriage as an excuse to drink.

A few days ago, you decided you were going to quit drinking. That means you quit drinking. Do not allow drinking to be an option. The Beast just wants to put taking a drink on the table.......well, it's not on the damn table. Don't waffle.....being AF is being AF, no matter what happens in your life. There are millions of people who don't drink and go through life's ups and downs.

The first few days of AF are hard and I think you need to dedicate your thoughts and energy toward you.....be a little selfish.....this is a big thing you are doing....a great thing you are doing for yourself and your family. Don't try and fix anyone else's problems....you have plenty to do with your own right now....

If you stay strong and remain AF, your husband will notice. If you cave and drink, your husband will notice. Now, which way are we going to play this?......

Don

[bestlifeldms]

Originally Posted by bestlifeldms

Nearly three weeks AF and I blew it late tues. night before I went to bed! My husband has been so supportive, but says that if I don't give it up for good that he can't stay any more. I can't blame him or make this his fault. I know he is right. That would be turning things around to make an excuse so that I can keep drinking.

I don't want to keep drinking or I wouldn't be trying to quit completely! There are many reasons not to continue, more reasons to stop and really no good reason to continue. I am so dissappointed in myself. I am at work and the tears are just ready to spill.

How stupid this all is, to make myself feel so sick and sad inside! The world sees me as a successful person and I feel so inadequate, like an imposter. As long as I can remember there has been this empty, sad, place of fear and darkness inside. When I drink it is anesthetized, temporarily. Only to return made worse by the guilt, that I had failed, once again. Maybe that is how this cycle began. How and why is not the issue. Stopping is the my only option. Not forced upon me. It is my true desire. I no longer want to feel so bad about someone who I know is such a good person - Me! I am not being fair to myself. And I am certainly not repaying those who have loved and supported me with the same love, support and honor that they have given me. How cruel and selfish I have been.

Sneaking alcohol late at night is so disgraceful. It is such a contradiction to how I present myself to the world and what I truly feel myself to be inside.

Oh my, I am really putting myself out here, sort of like standing naked for all to see.

Thank you for listenting!

Best

This is a thread I posted over a year ago! I am now 74 days AF. I knew that I was jeopardizing everything that was important to me in my life. My husband supported and loved me, but try as he may to get me to stop, I continued to drink. There was a foundation of love, but I had erroded the trust in our marriage by my empty promises. I knew that time was running out on his patience. He looked at me at times with down right dislike, and he had every right to. He would still love me, but he would not be a part of me destroying myself. I was the only one that needed to change. Sounds harsh in writing, but, when we have an alcohol problem, we really know deep down inside, where the problem lies and what needs to happen to make it go away.

Your husband must really love you! He cares, that is why he is so upset! Cuddles, I will pray for that you find the courage and stregnth to do what you need to do. You really can do this!

Hugs, Best

[Evie.Lou]

My heart goes out to you.Alcohol is a real hard enemy to beat.I could have not done it alone.This forum saved my life.Have you tried Antabuse?If you are willing to do that it can help get you thru the early times of temptation.If hubby sees that you are serious he may be more supportive....If you can not be honest with your conselor then you need a new conselor.You can ph.211 from anywhere in the US and the united way will direct you to resources in your area.I would take him up on his YES to talk to someone about you.Any good conselor will help him help you....Evie

[JMT]

OH Best, I cannot thank you enough for posting that. What an inspiration you are as SO many of you on here are. I am SO embarassed to have shared that, like you said, I feel naked in front of all these people, my deepest, darkest, most horrible secret out there for all to see, I feel as though I am the only one but you posting that helps me realize I am not. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I see it can be done, I see I'm not alone, with tears streaming down my face the amount of gratitude I have for your strength and courage is amazing.
Thank you.

[katesm]

Hi Cuddles,

I can actually feel your pain coming through. There are just so many issues here that really need addressing.

Firstly though, I'd change therapists. I don't honestly know how someone can call themselves a therapist if they get upset about what you talk about. Is this not the point of therapy? You should be able to speak honestly and freely about anything you feel the need to express.

Secondly, regardless of behaviour, regardless of drinking, regardless of absolutely anything, nobody has the right to be physically rough with you. I absolutely understand your husband's pain, anger and frustration, and I can even understand the verbal abuse, but under no circumstances does anyone have the right to hurt you physically.

Cuddles, I don't know the extremity of your drinking, or the steps you've taken before now, but when you start talking suicide attempts or hazardous behaviour of any kind, it might be time to look at a stint in rehab. And I don't mean detox. I mean a full on educational, concentrate only on you, informational program designed to perhaps help you restructure your thinking. Because it sounds sort of like you're accepting a lot of stuff because you think you don't deserve any better. This is not true. What is true is that the more you think like that, the worse you will treat yourself. And so the cycle continues. You have to get off that merry-go-round.

I know how hard it is. I wish I could sit with you a while and tell you about me, and how hard it was to quit, and how hard it was to start thinking about the good things in me, about the things that had always been there, the things that I had let alcohol drown. These things are in you too. Good, kind, grasp life and love it things.

I know you can do this. I know, know, know you can do this. Get a pen and paper, write all the things you want to get out, seek somebody who specialises in alcohol or substance abuse counselling, make an appointment today, and go forward. Do not listen to anyone who says it can't be done. It can be, but it can only be done by you.

What we can do is be here to support you 100%.

Love to you,

Kate.

[bestlifeldms]

Cuddles,

Another thing I did was print out the posts that really helped me, that hit home! You can copy and paste only the parts that you want to keep. I have a binder that has those clear pages so that I can just slide the printed papers in.

Remember to print your own posts, especially when you are really in pain. I can't tell you how many times, when tempted to drink, I promised my self that I would read these. After remembering those feelings, I was disuaded.

Sharing for me, produced a feeling of cleansing. I purged all that pent up stuff!!! Share with us any time you feel that you are about to explode. Any load is easier to carry when there is a group, sharing the weight.

Better days are ahead!

Best

[JMT]

Evie, Kate and Best you just saved this poor soul from taking a drink, I mean that. Everything you each said just hit me like a wave of love, compassion, understanding and hope. I've been crying alot these past few days, today being day 3 I feel so much more emotional. Everything I've numbed and hidden from is coming to the surface and to get it out.....sigh....is just exactly what you said Best, emotional purging. I've opened up on here in a way I would not even DREAM of doing with my therapist and I agree it's time to find another. He does have a therapist in his office that specializes in addiction and rape survivors (yes, I forgot to mention I'm a rape survivor I think that is why what happened with hubby hit me so hard.) I could not tell him about the drinking because on my FIRST appointment he told me that if I was drinking around my daughter he would call child protective services right then. Talk about walking around REALLY feeling like you belong in the bowels of society. So, I do not talk to him about it. I've always waited to drink when hubby was home or when she was gone at daycare and hubby would pick her up on his way home from work but I see how damaging that is/was now.
GOSH, how awful I have been. But, you know, there is hope right? My urge to drink and numb this is gone, I'm having a cup of strong java in it's place.
I will print out the posting Best, fantastic idea, I need that to keep with me at all times right now. Kate, I will write my fingers off. I am not suicidal, I was and tried it but I see that I have a purpose here still so I will NOT do that again. I have a call into my Psychiatrist but she to is well, leary of dealing with a "drinker" she told me she finds them "uncomfortable" to deal with, haha imagine that! I heard someone say once, "There is nothing worse than a sober drunk." But I'd rather be sober than in the dark pit from where I have been for the last 10 years.
My love, thoughts and thanks to all of you. In a time of need you were all here, for that I am forever grateful.
Thank you, you all are angels in disguise. :0) So, off to the Zoo we go and I have a calm and peace I will take with me in all your words of wisdom and caring!

[bestlifeldms]

Oh honey! So HAPPY, HAPPY, HAPPY!!! You have a wonderful time at the zoo! Just a mention, though. I would keep those print outs somewhere secure. They should be confidential, while you are sorting things out. Just a thought!

Hugs, Best

[JMT]

Oh yes Best, only where I have access to them, heaven knows I'm the QUEEN of "hiding spots"! Not real proud of that but at least I have one talent right? :0)