Finally after 10 months

[cuckoosnest83]

To All My Friends At MWO, I’m writing this now because I have been on this site 10 months and have yet to really open up in the open forum about my drinking. Although I don’t like labels I guess I am best categorized as a functional alcoholic. I have maintained a position with the same company for 34 years while being promoted during that time. Sixteen of these 34 years I was drinking every night. My preference was gin and tonic. I had a willing partner in my ex although he could limit his drinking to 1 or 2 drinks a night. This past week and especially tonight I’m having a very rough go of it because it was one year ago today that my ex-boyfriend came home and announced to me after 16 years together “that we had a good run of it, but he thought it was time to end the relationship.” Despite our having our issues this came totally out of left field for me. He never once identified my drinking as a cause for the breakup even though I pushed him for an answer. I joined this site after he left and tried very hard to abstain from drinking but with only limited success. I do owe a huge debt of gratitude to this site for allowing me to obtain more AF days in 10 months than I had achieved in 16 years. Tonight I’m feeling very sad and lonely and wondering, but also knowing, what I could have done differently. When I joined this site 10 months ago it was with the intention that by this time of year I would be AF and that has not happened. I realized this weekend after much introspection, crying, feeling sorry for myself, and drink that I need to be held accountable for my sobriety. The reason I am writing this now is that, tonight I want to allow myself to cry and feel sorry for myself but after tonight I don’t want that any longer. I will have been on this site one year come the end of September and I want to publicly state that I want to achieve AF by that time. I will use any means within my disposal to do this. By stating this in an open forum I feel I will be held accountable by myself and each and every one of my MWO friends and I truly plan on not letting myself or you down. This has been a tough year for me but I have a very hard time opening up and letting people know when I am hurting. I want to thank RJ, MWO, but especially the members of this site for their experiences, willingness to share, understanding, compassion, but most of all their openness which allows us to express our feelings without worrying about being judged or condemned. Thank you all so much. I couldn’t do this without you.
Cucks

[Seacailin]

Thank you for sharing. It is not always easy to open up, but I'm glad u did. I am sorry that you are in such pain right now. I have been there myself, divorced after 17 years. I am glad that you feel ready to begin the journey. You sound strong. It is a tough battle, but one that You Can Win. I look forward to reading your posts and wish u well

[time2change]

Cucks
It really does sound like a hard year. I'm glad that you were here and had the support of all the great people here at MWO during this difficult time in your life. I know what you mean when you say for today you want to be allowed to greive. I also know that feeling sorrry for yourself will only lead to more of the same. So starting tomorrow (or tonight would be good too)pick yourself up and make yourself proud. We will all be here holding your hand and cheering you on. Many of us have been right where you are and we know your pain. We are so glad to have you as part of our MWO family and will be here every step of the way.

[lushy]

It sounds like you have made many great strides in those 10 months and I really wish you such success. Allow yourself a one night pity party and then move on and live life. Sober. You can do it!!!!!

[charlee]

Cucks
Thank you for sharing...I am sure putting those words down in writing was not an easy thing to do. We are here for you, and I too, will be cheering you on!!!

[cuckoosnest83]

Thank you for your responses and for not to much sympathy. It's funny but after posting this I no longer felt like feeling sorry for myself or grieving. I had bought a 1/2 pint of gin for the grieving process but just poured the remainder down the drain. I have this site to help pull me out of my grief and self-pity. I bought a book today titled "The Four Agreements" which I plan on going outside and beginning to read. I also have a journal on my bedstand that I plan on starting tonight. In my daily Native American meditation readings one of the quotes on Friday was "if not now, then when" which is perfect for me today. No more pity parties for me. Tonight I "will begin the journey" "pick myself up" and "move on and live life." Love to you all for helping me through this difficult period. I'm stronger for it.

[tlrgs]

sounds like a very good plan .you can do this and we are behind you 110%
wish you ...all the best..

[cuckoosnest83]

Thank you, Charlee.

[charlee]

Good for you!!.....I procrastinated forever before putting down the bottle....having a pity party all along the way, guess I was waiting for the right time, but I was just putting off life.....again. Kudos to you Cucks, remember those words.."a new journey", "move on and live life"..it's yours for the taking.........and so worth it!

[lukalee]

I am so proud of you!!!! It is your time!!! We are here for you whenever you need us!!!