hello

[Norman Second Time Around]

hello, where does one begin?

My husband of 23 years is an Alcoholic - I am struggling with this greatly. He has always drank beer and have been able to maintain the issue. However, over the last 2 years we have moved to a foreign country, he does not work, so I am sure he is some what bored - but I could stay home a day and not drink!

His poison of choice these days is Vodka - h hides the empties and half full bottle and tries to tell me he has not been drinking. It is such an insult to my intelligence and I am tired of catching him in lies- I believe nothing that comes out of his mouth. He actually has a friend whom he calls and tells him where he has hidden the bottle so they can drink the next day, Year I know what a friend.

And the sad part of all of this is that I know there is nothing I can do to help. We are going to the drs. tomorrow to see if we can find some help.

I really don't want to throw way 23 years of marriage but I am beginning to believe I don't really know this person whom is suppose to be my life partner.

Have you been in my shoes - what did you do - how did you get through?????

[luCKy]

I have not been in your shoes but there are lots of treatment options. Stay positive.

[Maisie]

I have been in your shoes, but I can only say I understand the pain you are experiencing and your ambivalent feelings about your marriage. I don't have an answer. I doubt there really aren't any. There was nothing I could do to get through. When he was ready to be sober, he did it for himself. But he couldn't stay away from it.

I"ll try to offer one thing because I went through it. You say he "tries to tell me he has not been drinking. It is such an insult to my intelligence and I am tired of catching him in lies- I believe nothing that comes out of his mouth." I felt the same way--even when D. wasn't stumbling and slurring, I could just see in his eyes he had been drinking even when he swore he hadn't. I was finally able not to ask him if he had been drinking. I didn't give him a reason to lie. I knew he had been drinking, so I squashed the need to hear him say it. Alcoholics are going to lie about their drinking--it's just part of it. So I decided to stop setting up the situation that he had to lie and then I had to be upset because he lied.

The codependent impulses are really hard to get under control. I got professional help with it. It didn't change him, but changed my way of reacting. I learned that my behavior was keeping unhealthy interactions in place that weren't helping either of us. I'm sorry if this wasn't much help . . .

[Maisie]

P.S. I wasn't trying to be a total downer.

I guess what I am trying to say is that you can't change someone else, you can only change yourself. And sometimes changing yourself helps the other person to see the need to change. But that's not the reason to do it. You need to make changes because you want to be emotionally healthy again.

[Doggygirl]

Hi Second Time. I wish you and your husband the very best. I hope the doc appointment goes well, and that hubby makes a decision to fix the problem.

In my own marriage (10 years on June 19) I am the drinker - my husband is almost a non-drinker. (just an occassional beer with the "boys" - and rarely does he have a second one) I am an addict to booze. Each of us is a different human being with different emotions, reactions, tolerance levels for crap, etc. For me, during periods of time where hubby nagged me a bit, it just made me work harder to cut back a little for a short time until "it" passed, and/or work harder at hiding the amounts.

I had to decide for myself.

Not sure if that helps at all, but that's how it is for me.

Hugs to you.....I know it can't be easy being on the sober side of the marriage.

DG
*******

[Cinders]

I was finally able not to ask him if he had been drinking. I didn't give him a reason to lie. I knew he had been drinking, so I squashed the need to hear him say it. Alcoholics are going to lie about their drinking--it's just part of it. So I decided to stop setting up the situation that he had to lie and then I had to be upset because he lied.

I am replying to this because this is one of the things I posted about today on one of the ways our lives are better by not drinking. Honesty.

However, I also said that if I slipped again, I would simply NOT lie about it.

From the perspective of an alcoholic, self-disgust is already bad enough, having to sneak and lie just piles it on higher and deeper.

I think Maisie's advice is very good advice.

Cindi